Sitting in Shadows

You know when you’re in the depth of a dark night, and it takes a moment to adjust your eyes so you can see? I think it’s a little like that with the darker parts of ourselves. We’ve been taught and encouraged to dismiss or redirect the more uncomfortable feelings, with an unconscious expectation that we must live in the lighter more affable feelings of life.

The other day I was sitting at my desk and the sun caught me in its reflection on the wall. I quickly snapped the outline of the shadow. And as rapidly as I snapped it, it was gone. Much like the short lived allowances we give of such darker moments inside ourselves.

Recently, I had a couple of days where no matter what, I couldn’t shake the shadow emotions. This isn’t unusual for me, albeit over the years they don’t come quite as often for the internal work I do to see all of myself. But here I was once again in the shadows.

I’ve learned to recognise the difference between deep grief, and systemic emotions that surface begging to be seen, and healed. Versus the ones that are on repeat and triggered like an algorithm and not always entirely relevant to the moment.

With these deeper emotions, I put zero barriers on them and let them through the whole way. Feeling it all. No judging or blaming or expecting anything other than deep feelings. I validate the reality and let myself feel everything. Later, in a more centred and purposeful way, I do the cognitive work to understand the reasons to learn from what my body and mind are telling me.

When the thoughts on repeat come along, if I can catch them in time that is (not always successful!) I recognise they have been triggered like a sensor for some reason outside of myself, and I actively put them aside choosing different thoughts and feelings so to create a more purposeful experience in that moment and day. This takes practice to know the difference, but even knowing the difference is helpful. Slow and gentle discernment is the key to learning these nuances.

The more we deny shadows and want to shrink them, we deny parts of ourselves that are valid and real. Our job is to notice them when they reveal themselves, even when they are fleeting like this one of mine on the wall in the sun. Because as shadows they move around us in orbit, and still there none-the-less. When you see one, sense one, welcome it in like an old friend who has some troubles to discuss. Let’s face it, you wouldn’t turn them away.

Don’t turn yourself away either my friend.