Sitting with People in Pain

What would you say if you had to describe what you did for a living in 5 words or less?

I was recently asked by an acquaintance to do just that. I’m a therapist. I could probably write more than one volume of a book on the subject. People outside of my profession or outside of the medical field in general have all sorts of opinions on the subject. I’ve heard some of those opinions. They range from positive thoughts about teaching people coping skills or helping them understand themselves better to very negative ones such as “take people’s money” or “give people excuses.” I’m sure people have had experiences in therapy just as diverse as their opinions.

Therapists spend years learning their craft. We spend 4 years minimum in college, 2.5 years at a minimum in a Master’s program, and the real gluttons for punishment like myself spend the next 5 in a doctoral program. There are state board tests in every state required to obtain your license. Even with a Master’s degree, you are a “baby therapist” for the next 2 to 3 years of your life until you develop the competencies and pass your 2nd state board to become independently licensed. You basically spend a decade becoming a fully functioning therapist. That’s the reality.

And that’s just training. On the practical side of things, have you ever sat with someone who was going through a hard time? It can be one of the more challenging social experiences to sit with someone experiencing hardship, without trying to fix it. In therapy, we have to guide people toward their own answers and their own solutions for problems. If we try to tell people what to do, we have created a very different problem: dependency. There is a quote by Edith Wharton that I think of when I think about what effective therapists do very well:

“There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.”

If I had to summarize my work, I would call it, “Sitting with people in pain.”

Pain is universal. Some refer to it as the human condition. In philosophical and religious and spiritual contexts, we call it suffering. It comes in many forms. Some of us suffer physical pain like broken bones, back problems, sprains or tears. Others suffer emotional pain like grief or depression. Still others suffer mental anguish such as anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, or addiction. Many people deal with some combination of those, stemming from traumatic experiences.?

Our suffering is is one of few guarantees in life, much likes taxes or death. But man, do we spend a lot of money and a lot of time trying to avoid it. We make ourselves too busy to feel our anxiety building. We bury ourselves in relationships that aren’t good for us to avoid loneliness. We find relief from pain in the form of pills to the point that 100,000 people died in 2021 from overdoses. We will go to practically any length.?

The things we do to avoid our suffering cause the most suffering.

Or as Henri Nouwen, the psychologist and Catholic priest, put it,

"Those who try to avoid having their hearts broken end up in hell."

Not only do most of us do a poor job sitting with our own pain, but we are even worse when faced with the pain of others. Grief is a great example of this. We all have responses that can be unhelpful, and you have definitely seen them in full effect at calling hours or funerals. Some folks completely avoid the event and don't show up. Others attempt little comforts, like platitudes in the form of sympathy. They say things like, "I'm so sorry for your loss," which to me sounds like, "I'm glad I'm not you." Even more callous versions involve problem-solving or trying to find silver linings and go something like, "Everything happens for a reason." Don't say that to someone who is experiencing something hard.?

It takes a lot of courage to sit with someone in pain and not placate, problem-solve, or avoid. That is the job of a therapist. That's what we are called to do. It's how we operate at our best. We don't always do it well, and if we're being honest, most of us aren't as consistent as we would like to be. But the best versions of us sit with and truly listen to our clients, without judgment or self-interest. The day I am unable to self-reflect and recognize my biases and judgmental views is the day I should call it quits.

So therapists do a lot of different things. But first and foremost, we help people in suffering by offering them something that is hard to find: unconditional positive regard and listening without agenda.

May we all be the best versions of ourselves as therapists this week as we sit with people in pain.

For a great viewpoint on suffering, check out this teaching by Henri Nouwen