Sitting with People in Pain (2)

A local family of 5 tragically died this week.?

I didn't know or interact with them to my knowledge, but their loss was felt in a very real way by the community this week.?

There aren't any words that I or anyone else can say to make it better.

It made me reflect on the importance of what therapists do. Even moreso, it reminded me of the value of human connection. When tragedy happens, it becomes quite clear that people have been hurting, and it's hard not to ask some very practical questions about things transpired they way they did. How did a person get to the point that led them to end someone else's life or their own?

Suicide is taboo to talk about. It's also the leading cause of death in young people. It is one of the leading causes for men. It's happening to celebrities, pastors, teenagers, veterans, and the elderly. It is the 11th leading cause of death in the U.S. as over 48,000 people die by suicide each year here, which works out to be a little over 130 people per day. 70% of those are white middle-aged men. There were a total of 1.7 million suicides attempted in 2021. 22 veterans per day are dying this way. Just under 20,000 men who were divorced in the year prior die this way, every year. 10% of high schoolers reported attempting at least once. It appears to know no boundaries.

Yet here we are, 10 years into a rising trend in the data with no answers other than to say people need to seek help. Now, I don't want to diminish the idea that people should reach out when they are struggling because it is the most important thing to do. But passing out information and telling people to call or text 988 (the National Suicide Hotline) is raising awareness. Much like the opioid epidemic, we have raised awareness to such an extent that people would have to be blind to not know. The numbers just keep going up.?

Awareness is great but by itself it doesn't solve any problems.

I find myself frustrated with the idea that we can all offer a phone number, but few if any of us take the time or make the effort to sit in the pain with one another when the harsh reality is that many more people are suffering than we think.

I'm not pointing any fingers. I'm just as guilty.?

Sometimes I find myself in a hurry, or tired, or busy, and I miss it too. I don't lend my time or my ears when I can tell that someone needs it. We all do it. I just think, or hope, that we can do better.?

Tragedies like the one that happened here have ripple effects in the community. I saw 12 clients this past Sunday (I can feel those judging eyes after reading that, mind your business). 10 of them brought it up. These are the times I find it challenging to sit with people in pain. Not in the moment in session, but instead I feel the weight of it on my drive home. I see my kids' faces and embrace them a little tighter, wishing that I could protect them from the world. I see my wife's beautiful face, and I want to make it so she never has to feel sad again. I can't do either of those things. You could say that in instances like this, other people's pain bleeds onto me.?

Because I've worked in the addictions counseling field for some time, I've dealt with losing clients to overdoses. Because I was an addict, too, I've lost friends that way. I remember one client who was a very young adult who was doing well and relapsed and died. I got to know the client and the client's parents well. I went to the funeral. The client's father hugged me very firmly while his hands were shaking. He never said a word other than "thank you," but he wouldn't let go. It was the longest hug I have ever received. I don't think I've ever felt someone else's pain that intensely before or since.?

When I walked out of the funeral home that day, I could feel the weight of grief encumbering me. I walked to my car, opened the door, sat down, and cried. My emotions overcame me with sadness, then anger, then numbness. I felt overwhelmed in that moment. I hit my steering wheel several times, and I remembering yelling at God, asking him why this person had to die and not me. I felt like I deserved it and they didn't. I haven't gone to another client's funeral since.

Another client in an inpatient setting many times had tried suicide because their suffering was tremendous. They lived a tumultuous life and experienced awful things at the hands of others from a very young age that no person should endure. That client eventually died by suicide. Even though I was a part of a treatment team at that setting, I still sometimes wonder what I could have done better or more or differently. I don't blame myself–I've dealt with that feeling years ago when it happened–and I don't blame others. I just wish the outcome were different, and I wish that there was something more helpful we could have done, but I'm not sure there was.?

If you are a therapist and you've ever had a client pass away, I hope that you find healing and that you know that you're not alone. And that might be the answer to how did we get here: alone.?

Maybe the answer to how we do better is "together."?

If we spent the time and energy listening to and supporting each other that we devote to much less important things, I wonder how different our neighborhoods would be? If we came together on a regular basis as a community, I wonder if we would have to come together so often for tragedy? Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking for us all to hold hands and sing Kum Ba Yah, I just want us all to learn to sit with each other when we're in pain instead of suffering away silently.?

It's not just a job for therapists.

My heart goes out to the family and friends of that family that is now gone, as well as our community in Lake/Uniontown. I pray that we will take the time to heal the most necessary way: together.

If you or anyone you know is struggling, do reach out to someone. Talk to your friends, neighbors, family, therapist, doctor, or coworkers. Please don't suffer alone.