Sitting at the feet of my parents - Lessons learned at the end of a tough week

This has been a very difficult week for all of us. I for one have been all across the spectrum with my emotions as it seems so many things have crashed together around us at the same time. I have been angry. I have wept. I have been couragous. And I have been a leader.  Sometimes all at the same time. 

Usually I find that when I face a big decision, or am challenged by something in life, the thing that gets me together is to “sit at the feet of my parents” and just absorb their words and their essence. This weekend was no exception and I am grateful for the catharsis that my conversation with them helped me effect.

The picture you see is of my parents at their 50th wedding anniversary last year. I could go on for hours about why that means so much to me but in summary, it was also the 30th anniversary of our immigrant story; our coming to America. My father is an electrical engineer and as a child he took great pride in teaching me how to estimate electrical loads for generators and how to design power supply systems for entire towns. We both realized very early that I was much more interested in playing with the adding machine and listening to his intense business meetings than I was in designing generator sets. My mother is a retired nurse and I truly believe she was chosen for that profession. She taught me very early on that there are three things nobody can ever take away from you: Your education, your experience, and your goodness. Over the years I have accomplished a lot in my life and career but I am always humbled by talking to mother who is more interested in hearing about how I helped someone in need than about another big deal that I closed.

I am using the picture of my parents on this article because I felt that looking into their eyes as I wrote would force me to do a few things: It would make me use my words and name my emotions as they have taught me, it would help me communicate in a way that would honor them, and it would allow me to focus on how I can use my power and platform to serve.

Over the past week, in the midst of what has been a gut wrenching nightmare, I have been overwhelmed positively with something I don’t remember seeing before when topics of race were discussed: the outpouring of active “ally-ism” and committment to act against racism. The question I am getting asked most often now is “how can I help?” I have thought long and hard about how to answer that question and I think I have my answer.

The most powerful thing an anti-racism ally can do is to first challenge their narratives: narratives that may have been taught by parents, teachers, presidents, bosses, neighbors, and friends...people you love and trust.

We feel like we can’t breathe because the pressure of the many biases in our country’s systems is weighing down on our necks. We have been begging for help for years but you can’t hear us because you may have been taught to filter what you hear through a narrative that led you to believe that it is “we” who are the problem.

As good citizens who want to live orderly we know that the idea of challening the criminal justice or any other system gives you pause, and we understand. But, in order to help us we need you to ask more questions. The media coverage of the last week alone could not be more variant depending on the narratives of your favorite news stations and personal social media circles. Some of you believe that the real and only problem is the “violent protests” and that the President should quickly follow through with his threat to mobilize the US military aginst the protesters to restore “law and order.” Much like the scenes that were real not too long ago in segregated America.

Others of you will believe that the many of the protests actually started peacefully and that white supremacist groups posing as supporters intentionally agitated the situation by themselves destroying property in order to promote chaos. I am not here to advocate for either side or to debate, but I do want you to ask more questions and to form your own narrative independent of a singular media view or of polarized election year messages. In order for us to solve the problem together we need to align on the same set of facts and the same definiton of the problem. You can’t help us if the only facts you have come from the system that benefits from or perpetuates the problem.

For those of you who have stepped forward to extend a hand, thank you for your courage and I promise to use my words to help you help us. For those who want to join physical protests, please do so safely, but let’s stay the course on avoiding violence and focus instead on using our collective voice - our words are our most effective weapon.

Mom and Dad - I hope I make you proud as I take a chance at using my voice in a very different way.