A Single Flame

I have not shared this story in many years. It really isn’t much of a story, more of a snapshot in time, a glimpse of a moment. With Christmas Eve upon us and Christmas Day hours away I find my mind wanders, when I let it, to one Christmas Eve that stands out in my heart.

Christmas as a child for me was very special. Growing up on Long Island with my family all in one town made the world seem close and safe. My Mom and Dad worked hard to give our family a home and when possible the chance to feel special, to feel loved, that there was a bit of magic in our lives.

As a kid we did not put up any Christmas decorations before Christmas day, beyond the "12 Days Calendar" in the kitchen. Instead, on Christmas Eve when I would go to bed and the house was dark and cold Saint Nick would come in the quite and put up the tree and all the decorations. In the early morning when I would wake up and rush into the living room it would be amazing to see. The tree all lit up, the room filled with toys, the stockings hung by the oven (we didn’t have a fireplace in the modern 1960’s home so they hung over the electric oven!) In many ways I always felt it was like A Christmas Carol when Scrooge would awake to the light and warmth of the second visitor, the spirit of Christmas present. The work my Mom and Dad would do all night to give me that moment of magic still impresses me. I can still feel those emotions and joy all these years later.

Over the years as I grew up the holidays and especially Christmas were special for me. My Mom worked hard to always find the right gift, the right decoration and the right food to make it even more special. As with many of us as we grow beyond the time of childhood wonder other things take its place. As we journey to find what our own path will be, beyond our house and family things can become distant and different.

As I entered the stage of college student I found new fun, new friends and things didn't always go as you had hoped or planned. For me the first years of college were tough, Southampton University was nice but I felt out of place. What I wanted to be was no longer clear and things seemed to get cloudy for a while. Classes, work, fun with friends – but in the back of my head was this gnawing sound of “what are you going to do with your life??? What is this all about??? What next???” In time I found myself working and going to school. My job was at Saint Joseph’s Catholic Church in Ronkonkoma. Somewhere between a Sextant (caretaker of the religious objects and set up of the Mass and Sacristy) and a janitor and a groundskeeper and a pre-novitiate all rolled up into one. It was a strange time.

Saint Joe’s was a good place, it felt like an extension of home and family. My new college, Dowling, was filled with interesting classes, but it all felt temporary – like a stop off before the next big part of a longer journey. At times I even felt a bit lost, but with a loving family, good friends and time I was confident things would become clearer in time. There was still this nagging sense in my mind – but who had time to think.

That Christmas season was a cold one, filled with ice, snow and a never-ending cycle of clearing the paths and walkways to the Church and School and Rectory. Up at 4:30 AM to get the boilers turned up at the Church for 6:00 AM Mass and get the school heaters on as well and get the milk in to the Kitchen for the kids so it did not freeze. Some days I would get home at 1AM and fall asleep for two hours and then have to get back to the Church. Many a night I just fell asleep in a corner of the Church basement, on the floor.

Part of this effort was setting up all the Advent decorations leading up to changing to Christmas decorations. The Church is a busy place most of the year but during this time even more so. Masses, Weddings, Confessions and the up keep. There is a never-ending flow of people into and around the Church. In my role I was not only keeping the Church cleaned (sweeping, vacuuming, keeping the bathrooms clean, the pews in order) and the out side walks and door areas clear of snow but I was also taking care of all the religious needs. From ring bells at the right times, to keeping the holy wine and wafers in stock, setting up all the objects for Mass.

In all this activity was the need to keep an eye on the eternal flame, the candle over the tabernacle on the Alter – this is where the consecrated Host is kept, the body of Christ. This is a very, very serious part of the job and I took it as such. The single candle was always on my mind.

On this Christmas Eve we were expecting a full house, standing room only for midnight Mass. We were going to do one of my favorite rituals – the light of the world – where at one point in the Mass all the lights are turned out and a single candle is lit, to represent the birth of Christ the light of the world. From this single candle flame row after row of smaller candles held by the people in church are lit. In the end over 2,000 candles will be ablaze and it is inspiring. So the larger candle needs to be set up, the smaller ones in every pew.

At around 8 PM I locked the church and would give it a good cleaning, about an hour before this all the poinsettias and Christmas trees were brought in and set up, the tapestries were changed from Advent to the birth of Christ. In many ways, just like my Mom and Dad did for me as a kid all those year back – a surprise of joy for everyone coming. The expectation was on what was to come at midnight and it was so exciting to be part of. I loved the idea of all the joy the people at Mass that night would receive.

At last everyone was out of the Church. The doors were locked and as I cleaned and set up everything for Mass, the Fathers were in the Rectory resting up and they all knew I had everything well under control. Candles, greenery, the best linens, crystal and gold were on the Alter. I had it all done and there was a good hour before the Choir and band was showing up, so I had the lights off and I sat way in the back of the vast Church. The only light was the single flame over the tabernacle. I sat there in quite, in the dark.

It took me a while to clear my mind and I simply prayed to God, asking for guidance, giving thanks and asking for forgiveness. In time I came to feel a great peace, warmth, an inner strength from that single candle. It filled the Church and my heart with a radiance that years later during some of the worst moments of pain in my life with the loss of my mother and soon after my father I would gain inner strength and peace just thinking of that candle, that night, the feeling of love.

It was on that night that I came to realize that there is a living God, who loves us. While we may journey alone and have moments of cold loneliness and desperation, of crosses to carry that we know not how we are going to carry them and fear they will crush us - the thought of that night and the feeling creeps back into my spirit.

That candle all those years ago seemed to blaze as a bonfire in that darkness still finds its way into my dreams and my heart. I knew that I was not alone and that I have a purpose in my life. Later while living in New Orleans I had the chance to be part of a Christmas tradition there, the bonfires along the river on Christmas Eve. In the dark, cold night to light the bonfire before you and then look left and then right and see all up and down the river these huge fires being lit as well – I thought of that night, the single candle and later the candles in the Church being lit one to the next.

After mid-night Mass I waited until everyone left, I slowly locked up the building, as I turned out the lights, and stood in the back looking at the single candle burning I smiled that I had this gift of peace. I locked the doors and walked home. Snow was falling and it is was so, so quite at 3AM in Lake Ronkonkoma all those years ago.

After that Christmas season my life moved forward in ways I could never imagine. Christmas has not been the same since that night for me. It was no longer about trees and gifts, or even the story of the birth of Christ. With the loss of my Mom Christmas changed even more so for me. Now, instead the love of people ,of being part of the world of helping where and how I could grew to replace the Christmas season. The idea that God wants us to love and help each other took its place all year long. The single candle burns everyday of the year and so should the search for meaning, for peace, for compassion for those we work with, love and care about.

Merry Christmas and in the words of Scrooge "may I carry it in my heart all the days of the year!"