Single Fathers: 3 Do’s and 2 Don’ts

by Matt Haviland

Early in my years as a single father, I was invited by another man at work to join a small group of guys he was hosting. Immediately I felt out of place: I was the youngest guy in the group, I was the only single father, and compared to the other attendees, I was lacking the most in all areas of life. About three weeks in, the group leader dropped a bomb that I remember to this day:

“What are you guys working on that will make a difference in those around you?”

In the moment, most of what I felt was doubt and uncertainty. But in the weeks and months that followed I found hope and inspiration through the leading of a few key men, and I went on to mentor other single dads for the next decade.

Though I have gained many insights into working with single fathers over the past 16 years, below are some that I consider to be the most foundational. Whether you find yourself struggling to see your kids regularly, navigating split custody with their mom, or enduring life as the sole provider for them, I believe these five principles—three “Do’s” and two “Don’ts”—will prove successful in your parenting.

DO: Love

Yes, we love our children through our words and actions. But be specific and intentional. Use words that convey why you love them. Examples include:

“… because you are my son/daughter.”

If our love for our children is truly unconditional, then it should never be performance-based (e.g. because of their accomplishments in sports, school, or other pursuits).

Another great tip from Michelle Watson Canfield is to use a dry-erase marker to write words of affirmation on a child’s whiteboard or mirror. Messages like, “You have a smile that lights up a room” or, “You are loved and prayed for” can skyrocket a child’s confidence and self-worth.

We also love our children through appropriate touch, healthy discipline and boundary-setting, and (wait for it …) the way we speak of and treat their mother. Yes dad, you set the tone with this. When you speak highly (or at least, not lowly) of her, your son learns to treat women with respect. Your daughter will see women are worthy to be valued by men. Treat her with disrespect, and the opposite is true.

DO: Learn

My daughter recently turned eighteen and graduated from high school. More times than I can count, people have said the old cliché: “It goes by so fast.” My response? “Actually, no, it felt like eighteen years to me!” My point is that each stage of parenting is a blessing and has its own challenges. Infant to toddler. Elementary to high school—and that weird age of puberty … what is that?! It’s all part of preparing them for adulthood and life on their own.

Through it all, keep learning, dad. Stay educated on how to parent young children and keep them safe from danger. Then learn about the potential risks of social media and cell phone usage. And before they fly the coop, have age-appropriate conversations about adulthood so you’re preparing them to the best of your ability. When we as fathers model for our children that we are truly interested in their lives at each particular moment along the way, it shows them we are invested.

DO: Lead

Single parents are already stretched thin on time, and often the same is true for your effort and energy too. Regardless of the amount of time you have with your children each week, leadership begins in the home. Setting healthy, fair, and regular routines and rules—ones that you are obligated to follow too—is one of your primary responsibilities.

But leadership goes beyond the home. After working in schools for several years, I will let you in on a secret: schools love having dads involved! Be sure to attend open houses and conferences. If you aren’t the primary caregiver, request that the school include you whenever they send out materials and information. Get involved in volunteering there; serve for a whole day or attend every father-child activity that you can. Consider volunteering at your church or in the community and involve your children as often as possible. Finally, always be aware that your words and actions are also parts of your leadership as a father.

DON’T: Keep score

Of all the years I spent as a single father (and in a blended family since), this has to be one of the top lessons I learned. It’s so easy to get caught in the trap of keeping a record of what you do compared to what your kids’ mom does, even if it’s just a general tally in your head. You remember who took care of certain responsibilities, who attended specific events, who was more involved in different areas of the kids’ lives, who has bended or compromised more, who pays which expenses (and who has paid more overall), and so on.

Yes, court orders should be followed, and it’s wise to make compromises when necessary for the sake of the kids. But when we become more focused on keeping score of what isn’t fair than we are on moment-by-moment parenting and the long-term well-being of our children, we take our eyes off our main objectives as parents and get caught up in petty competition that doesn’t benefit anyone. Dad, avoid retaliation at all costs. Worry about keeping your side of the street clean, not the other side. There will be times when it doesn’t seem fair and you’ll want to complain or make life more difficult for your kids’ mom but resist that temptation. Speaking from personal experience, I highly encourage you to keep your heart and mind focused on how any response you make will affect your son or daughter. That’s your top priority in all of this.

DON’T: Fail to recognize your significance

Dad, please understand: you are not the other parent or second parent! You are a father—the only one your kids have. Research has proven that when dads are active and involved in their children’s lives, whether they live in the same home or not, those kids thrive on a much greater level academically, socially, emotionally, cognitively, and behaviorally.

It goes beyond that, though. You have the ability to impact your child’s life in a way that cannot be measured with metrics or outcomes. A father’s love and influence can reach the deepest parts of a child’s heart. I don’t know your current situation, but I’m guessing that in many ways I have been there personally or I know someone who has been, and I truly empathize with you. Single parenting is not what we would choose or desire, but it is doable. And when it’s done with the love and support of others, it will bring us to a level of commitment that we may not achieve any other way.

Billy Graham said, “A good father is one of the most unsung, unpraised, unnoticed, and yet one of the most valuable assets of our society.” Keep loving, learning, and leading. Your children will see some big benefits when you do.