Sincerely, Your perfectionist direct report

"Perfectionism is a twenty-tonne shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it's the thing that is really preventing us from taking flight". - Brené Brown

After over two decades of perfectionism weighing me down across all aspects of my life, I am slowly but surely working to transition into the headspace of healthy thriving. And in your workplace you probably know a person or two like me (or perhaps you and I are kindred souls). I recently shared my personal journey with mental illness as an MQ Ambassador, but in the blog did not get into the origins of the depression and anxiety I have experienced in the past and still manage today.

When I got stuck into understanding how to navigate my affective symptoms, it became very clear that the rigorous academic environment I grew up in, alongside being a competitive athlete, contributed to unhealthy feelings and behaviours linked to relentless perfectionism. Not to mention I grew up in the Deep South where expectations for women's physical appearance are simply unattainable. I was almost always praised for my pursuit of perfection, but underneath that perfectionist badge of honour, the symptoms of depression and anxiety were lying in wait and my self-worth was as fragile as it comes.

Now fast forward to my corporate career and I'm one of those high performers you have to keep an eye on. I'd like to share some insight from my lived experience as a recovering perfectionist, as well as what I've learnt as a professional development coach on how to support the ambitious, high potential talent you recruit.

How to spot us, and what we need:

• Demand language (a concept taken from Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy)

'This timeline is far too tight, but I must get this piece of work completed nonetheless at all costs. I should’ve delivered my last project better so everything is riding on this – I have to do it perfectly. I really shouldn’t be getting so stressed out though… My manager will think I can’t handle it. I must keep it together'.

Sound familiar? Perfectionists often fall in the trap of making unhealthy, irrational demands of ourselves and the world around them and it can lead them to catastrophise and internalise a lack of meeting these demands as being a failure of a person. Neither of which set people up for success to deliver!

Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy is all about reframing demands into healthy preferences. So let's rephrase the quote above...

'This timeline is far too tight, so although I will give it my all to adhere to it, I accept I may not have the capacity to do so. I wish I had delivered my last project to a higher standard so this time around I really want to smash it out of the park! I'm going to give it everything I have. Whilst I want my manager to be confident I am prepared to take on anything (s)he sends my way, I appreciate sometimes I will be stretched and experience stress. I strongly prefer to come across as someone who can maintain equanimity despite the circumstances, but I'm human and if it shows that I'm stressed, it won't be the end of the world'.

If you can challenge perfectionists to change their self-talk to reflect preferences and acceptance that humans are made of all things good, bad, and neutral, it can have a big impact on the emotions that come off the back of it. Rather than depression and anxiety, we move into the space of sadness and rational concern, which fall into the category of healthy so-called 'negative' or uncomfortable emotions, rather than unhealthy ones.

• Perfectionist Overcontroller mode (a concept taken from Schema Therapy)

"The Overcontroller is a coping mode designed to create as much distance as possible from feelings of vulnerability, through cultivating a sense of being ‘on top’ or ‘in control’.

In circumstances where the Overcontroller is present you may distance yourself from your feelings and needs through a number of processes, including perfectionism, obsessional rituals, rumination/over-analysing, superstitious thinking and a focus on rules and regulations at the expense of health, happiness and relationships" (Sally Skewes and Dr. Susan Simpson).

Moral of the story? Look out for behaviours that indicate perfectionists are clinging to maintain control and have an open conversation about it. My manager modelled this beautifully with me in the midst of a heavy workload this past year: 'Kendelle, I've noticed when you're stressed out you make yourself very busy and try to take on everything (ie. not delegating work to others)'. This simple acknowledgment led to a fruitful conversation on how I can cope more effectively and ask for support.

• Procrastination or indecisiveness

If perfectionists believe they have to deliver to a ridiculous standard, it can lead to anxiety that presents itself in the form of procrastination. Equally, if they feel they need to have every single one of their ducks in a row to move forward with something, it may present itself as indecisiveness.

Helping someone who struggles with perfectionism in this regard could be helping them break up the work they are taking on into digestible bits and pieces, and clarifying what good looks like. If you hear them setting unrealistic expectations, tackle it from the get go and reinforce this along the way as you check in and offer support.

One reminder I tell myself that has been very helpful is what I call the 70% Rule now. 70% is a distinction, isn't it? So if it's 70% there, go for it. Reminding myself of this enables me to tackle indecisiveness born from perfectionism.

• Low self-esteem or dismissing success

Perfectionists love to taint the learning opportunities that come from failure by turning it inwards. 'I didn't do the task as I envisioned = I'm an incompetent no good failure'. Once again, it's about helping to reframe: 'I really wanted to smash that out of the park, but just because I didn't perform as I envisioned does not mean I'm a failure'. In short, the part does not equal the whole, so it's about breaking down overgeneralisation and self-damning beliefs (another concept from REBT).

Perfectionists also love to kill the joy of success. We manage to focus on any negatives available, or worry about not being enough in the endeavor we are taking on next. Putting simple structures in place to discuss what went well are a great starting point. And whatever it looks like in your workplace, show them gratitude for their hard work with a gesture, even a small one like a thank you note. I want to accentuate thanking them for their hard work rather than the quality of the work, which reinforces the goal being healthy striving, rather than the best possible work ever (as we know this doesn't set people with perfectionist tendencies up for success).

So to conclude: To our peers, managers, and senior leaders, we can be such a great asset to the business so please look after us.

Sincerely, Your perfectionist peers/direct reports/employees

At Acre Frameworks, we support individuals and teams with their professional development through psychometric exploration, professional coaching and training. Follow us on LinkedIn to get ongoing personal development content and reach out if you're looking to improve your non-technical skills to learn how we can support: [email protected].