Simple Wisdom That Lasts

In the wee hours of this morning, I received a call from my sister in KL asking me to say hello to my mom for the last time. Then, she passed on. In a way, it was not an unexpected eventuality as my mom had been bedridden for a decade plus due to stroke. With Covid-19 situation and borders closed between Malaysia and Singapore, I won’t be able to return to Malaysia to see and pay my last respect. I thought I would immortalize my mom’s wisdom and how she lived her life in this article – wisdom that has been my north star. 

A little about my mom. She grew up in a port town, called Port Klang on the west coast of Peninsular Malaysia. She was a simple and humble woman who lived for a larger purpose and that purpose was family. Together with my dad, she operated a street food stall business and lived a modest life to provide my three siblings and I the education that she aspired for us. She took care of my grandparents too. She almost finished high school but she had to drop out due to financial challenges. Instinctively, she knew education was the way to a better life, for us. She would ‘force’ me to read English newspapers when I was growing up. Her wealth; the one that she deliberately invested time to build was my siblings and I. She had this simple clarity of purpose and for it, she had lived in full.

Well, my mom had always been wise with simple words. She spoke with me in our dialect, Hokkien, so I am translating her words as closely as I am able to with my limited fluency.

Roof above head is the sustainable success

Family was everything to my mom. After I finished university and was about to start my first real job, my mom had a conversation with me about family. She told me to always remember that family is the most important thing in life. She told me to build my career with the family at the center, never the other way round. She related to me our experiences as a family; the ups and downs that we have had. To her, each time she came back home and saw us was when she felt fulfilled; that every strive that she had to do outside of home was worth it. That was how she kept going. Roof above head is family above self. I think this intrinsic clarity has helped me recharge, focus and persist during my career so far – it is like my inner energy core. 

Perpetual comparison with another is futile

We all know the phrase ‘Keeping up with the Joneses’. My mom had exactly the opposite view. In her view, there would always be someone, somewhere who is better. We used to watch Chinese Kungfu drama series when I was growing up. In these movies, Kungfu masters would try to beat other masters to be numero uno and many made huge sacrifices that they regretted including losing their families and loved ones, and some their own deaths. She taught me the Joneses that I need to keep up with are me, myself and I. She had encouraged me to keep score with myself and strive to be and live better each day. Today, I still take time at the end of each year to reflect on how I have lived and become better during the year. I am who I am, and who I ought to be is a better me every day. There is no need for comparison, period. 

Do no harm to others

My mom had no idea of the Hippocratic Oath. In her own ways, mom had always been about staying away from making others look bad. There was no point in undermining another human being; there was no point in animosity. She ran a street food stall and there were other stalls selling similar food. When others made comments about my mom’s food, she had refused to say anything back. She focused on telling her customers the good stuff about her food. I have heard her telling customers about the ‘real potatoes’ that she used in her curry puffs, sweet potatoes that she used in her doughnuts, etc; but never about the other stalls. I learned early that life is not a zero sum game. I learned that focusing on our own competence is more pertinent. That way, we can live more peacefully, more gratefully.

I went to school and learned science, business, economics, finance, etc. It is mom’s wisdom conversing with these worldly subjects that has made the whole gestalt of striving and success meaningful. Now reminiscing, I would miss the moments when she shared her views and when she smiled, laughed and teared. Even the moments when she scolded and sometimes caned me (when I was much younger as a boy) seemed sweet. I love you, Mom.