SIMPLE TECHNIQUES TO HANDLE CONFLICT AND LOWER RESISTANCE - USING BRAIN SCIENCE

Everyone understands the value of teamwork, the importance of relationships, and working together to achieve common goals.

When things are going well, this isn’t too hard to manage. 

However when we face challenging situations, conflict and stress can put a strain on those relationships. 

Members of the team may have strong but different ideas on how to proceed with a project.

Someone who works for you isn’t following through on expectations.

You are trying to gain someone’s buy in but they are putting up resistance. 

There have been times where I didn’t do a great job in these situations. 

Especially during disagreements, my competitive nature would take over and all I cared about was winning the conversation, not how that person felt about the conversation. 

Now I realize that I was only creating MORE resistance than I had from the person originally. 

I wasn’t actually achieving buy in. The other person was just shutting down. 

It is possible to handle tough conversations without fighting or retreating. The two most common responses when stress levels elevate. 

So what helped me improve in how I communicate in these situations? 

An understanding of what is happening behind the scenes. 

Why do people act differently at different times? What gets in the way of giving and receiving feedback effectively?

Even if you feel like you understand people, you don’t REALLY understand them unless you understand some basic biology. 

Brain Science

In Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone, Psychiatrist Mark Goulston, writes about the brain and methods he has used to break through to people as a business advisor and in his 30+ years as a clinical psychiatrist.

He also trains hostage negotiators. 

I will cover some of his techniques but first it is important to understand some basics.

There are three layers that I will cover; a lower reptilian brain, middle mammal brain, and an upper primate brain. 

Here’s how each of these three “brains” behave according to Dr. Goulston. 

• The lower reptilian brain is the “fight-or-flight” part of your brain. This region of your brain is all about acting and reacting, without a lot of thinking going on. 
• The middle mammal brain is the seat of your emotions. It’s where powerful feelings - love, joy, sadness, anger, grief, jealousy, pleasure arise.
• The upper or primate brain is the part that weighs a situation logically and rationally and generates a conscious plan of action. This brain collects data from the reptile and mammal brains, sifts it, analyzes it, and makes practical, smart, and ethical decisions. 

They all interconnect and can work together, but they can also act like three different brains at war with each other. Each one one fighting to take the lead. Especially if we are under stress. 

For information to be considered, you have to speak to the upper brain. You don’t want someone in a “fight or flight” mode during a conversation but it happens often during interpersonal conflicts. 

So what puts our brains in this state?

What makes it difficult to communicate effectively?

Amygdala Hijack

This is when the lower part of the brain takes complete control. Firmly in the driver's seat. 

This allows you to act quickly and bypass any rational thought.

If you are scared, this can completely shut out your higher brain and act on primitive instinct. 

Your ability to reason drops and hormones flood your system. This could take minutes or hours to fade. 

Is this Good? 

YES! 

In the right situation it keeps us alive. 

Imagine if a car in front of you slams on their brakes or someone tries to physically attack you. You don’t want your brain taking the time to consider a rational decision. You need a “knee jerk” reaction. 

Our brains don’t naturally do a great job at differentiating a perceived threat vs a real one. Again, part of your brain is designed NOT to think but act. 

But you can work on integration techniques that help. 

If you can intervene before the amygdala hits a boiling point, the person’s higher brain can stay in control. 

Managing Yourself

The first step is to recognize when this is happening to you.

You can be your own worst enemy when trying to reach other people in stressful situations.

If your natural response is “fight” you can manage your natural urge to win.

If your natural response is “flight” you can gather yourself and not back down. 

Research shows that when you put words to how you are feeling, your amygdala can cool down and the smart area of your brain goes to work and inhibits emotional response. 

Oh F#@& to OK

Dr. Goulston gives us some steps to handle a stressful situation.

• “Oh F#@&” (The Reaction Phase): Do NOT deny that you’re upset and afraid. Instead, identify your feelings and acknowledge them, silently using words to describe your feelings. (“I’m really scared. I’m so afraid I could lose my job over this.”) Say this out loud if you’re alone, because the physical act of exhaling as you speak will help to calm you. If you’re in a position where you can get away for a minute or two, do so. If not, do not talk to anyone else during these first few seconds. You need to focus entirely on acknowledging and working up from your anger or panic. If you’re in a position to keep your eyes closed for a minute or so, do so. 
• “Oh God” (The Release Phase): After you admit the powerful emotion you’re feeling, breathe deeply and slowly through your nose with your eyes closed and let it go. Keep doing this as long as it takes to let it go. After you’ve released your emotions, keep breathing and r-e-l-a-x. This will allow you to begin to regain your inner balance. 
• “Oh Jeez” (The Recenter Phase): Keep breathing and, with each breath, let yourself go from Defcon 1 back down to Defcon 2, 3, 4, and 5. It may help to say these words as you go through this transition: “Oh f#@&!”“ Oh God.”“ Oh jeez.”“ Oh well….” 
• “Oh Well” (The Refocus Phase): Start to think of what you can do to control the damage and make the best of the situation. 
• “OK” (The Reengage Phase) If you’ve had your eyes closed up to now, open them. Then do what you need to do.”

With practice, you can speed up how quickly you go through these steps. 

A few other tips in managing yourself. 

• Open your mind to listen and don’t rush to judgment. If you are having issues with someone, you have to differentiate what the source of the problem is vs the symptoms you are observing. Best way to avoid a misjudgment, is to take time to ask questions. 
• Be more interested than interesting. Spend more time asking about people than talking about yourself. 

Now that we have some techniques to manage our own brain, let's go over some techniques to having conversations with others. 

But first, more brain science...

Mirror Neurons

Have you ever yawned right after someone else did? Or cringe when you see someone else get hurt?

This happens because you have cells that allow us to mirror another’s actions in our own minds.

Meaning when you see someone go through something, neurons fire in your brain as if you were going through that same thing. 

As the name implies, these neurons mirror the outside world. 

This is what scientists believe allows us to have cognitive empathy. 

Dr. Goulston believes that since we are always mirroring the world through these neurons, we may have a desire to be mirrored back.

We can use our understanding of these neurons to help us connect with others. 

Using all the information above, here are a few points that can help you communicate effectively. 

Tactics

• Ensure people feel valued by making time to address their concerns. People will reveal, sometimes in subtle ways, when they have an issue. Don’t ignore this because you think they might be acting difficult or complaining. Schedule time and address it. 
• Ensure the person is feeling “felt” or understood. This can be done by putting yourself in their shoes and communicating how you might feel in their situation. “If I were you, I’d feel X.” 
• Allow people to vent and “exhale” how they are feeling and avoid interrupting. Don’t become defensive or get into a debate. Instead encourage them to “tell you more.” Confirm you listened to what they were saying by communicating back what you heard. 
• If an argument starts, catch yourself and pause. Reinforce that you are both on the same team and that the real goal is to solve the problem. Give an honest apology if you started to attack. 
• Show vulnerability by “baring your neck” and admitting your own mistakes and fears. When you show vulnerability, the other person will most likely bring their guard down. You come in peace!

Next time you have to have a hard conversation with someone who is showing resistance, try one of these techniques. 

If you work with people, it is critical to have an understanding of how our brain works and how we process information. 

It will make a big difference in maintaining your relationships.