A Simple Guide to Saying No

Admit it (to yourself, at least): Reading this post has nothing to do with learning how to say 'no.' You figured that out (quite well!) when you were two years old. The real issue: Risk aversion. And achieving the least-possible negative consequences. Own that. Be clear about that. Doing so makes all the other steps so much easier!

Reframe the situation. It's not "How do I say 'no?'" It's how to use 'no's as an opportunity to change relationships. This idea is no different from a difficult conversation with an unhappy customer — how one handles the situation and that person can completely change the relationship into something wonderful! Strengthen the relationship and occasional 'no’s won’t matter.

DIRECT: "No." "No. Thank you, though." "Too busy, I'll pass."

Use this about 25% of the time. WITH WHOM: Close teammates, friends, those who know how often you say 'yes,' and will forgive you for the occasional 'no.' OR, those you have little to no social connection with. While Direct Nos only account for about 25% of your exchanges, this is where most of us spend most of our energy and guilt. You've got to learn to let go of that guilt and worry! You've only got 1,440 minutes every day, and you need to start being far more vigilant in protecting those minutes. Start practicing guilt-free vigilance! Your buddies will understand, and those who don't really know you will just have to get over it!

INDIRECT: "Help me understand..." "Let's talk about this..." "Tell me more..."

Use this about 75% of the time. Focus on discovering what's behind the request that you'd really like to say 'no' to. More often than not, there's something flexible within their request that you can discover with some variation of "Help me understand more about what you want." WITH WHOM: Bosses, customers, leaders; those who direct your actions. AND networked teammates; those in the same company, group, or team, but not tied to your daily routine. GOAL: How you respond this time creates new future expectations. You may or many not achieve a definitive 'no' this time, but handled correctly, with EQ, this approach allows you to establish new criteria for the next interaction. Like... "Next time, what would really help me achieve what you want is..." Or "Next time, could we please follow SuchAndSuch process?" (And make sure you stick to that. It may take multiple times, but eventually you'll succeed.)

For three-quarters of your 'no' conversations, the most important step — (that most people miss) — is contracting for the next interaction, so that it's less likely you'll need to say 'no' in the first place. (See suggestions above for how to do that.)

For more details about saying 'no': See this great post, with the same title, by Julie Zhuo. Also, there's a cheap and detailed How To guide on my site.

It's an illustrated fable, based on real-world data of where we're headed, and real-world situations we will all face. The book, the community, and lots of bonus goodies will be going live through Kickstarter within the next few months. If you'd like to pre-read it now, for free, just email me: [email protected] (or lemme know with a message below.) I'll happily email it to you!