A Simple Guide to Practicing Emotional Intelligence

Although the two psychologists, Peter Salovey, and John D. Meyer, came up with the notion of EQ, a clinical psychologist, Daniel Goleman, made it globally famous. Reading Goleman’s books was a true enlightenment for me. I remember being immediately convinced of EQ’s critical importance in my career and life.

In the following years, I worked with Goleman's EQ model until I finally learned about @Six Seconds and their 3-step EQ model around mid-summer 2019. Since then, I have been reading, thinking, writing, talking, and helping others with this practical and highly effective model.

The beauty of the Six Seconds EQ model lies in its simplicity and universality. It has three steps: Know Yourself (self-awareness), Choose Yourself (conscious choice), and Give Yourself (committed action). These steps can be practiced anytime, anywhere, and under any circumstances, making EQ a skill anyone can hone and apply.

SETTING THE TERMINOLOGY: Emotions and Feelings

An EMOTION is a neurotransmitter released in the brain in reaction to perceived stimuli. The word perceived is critical here. Our brain releases the neurotransmitters based on subjective and past-experience-based decoding of the situation.

Once released, these neurotransmitters (emotions) start circulating the body and trigger the sympathetic nervous system to activate neuro-physical reactions. Six Seconds uses the analogy of a key and a lock here: Each emotion is a key with a unique pattern looking for the fitting locks to unlock (trigger) a specific set of reactions in the nervous system, which are then sensed in the body as physical changes.

Ruminating on the incident triggers the release of more neurotransmitters, which enhances the intensity of the emotion. It is important to remember that an emotion's lifetime is about six seconds (hence the name Six Seconds). This means any emotion flows through our bodies for six seconds until it is recycled, provided we abstain from triggering the release of more by ruminating.

FEELINGS are sensations felt as emotions circulate in the body. They may be pleasant or unpleasant. For instance, fear causes an unpleasant feeling by elevating blood pressure, increasing heart rate, breathing, and perspiration. On the other hand, joy causes a pleasant feeling by decreasing heart rate and blood pressure and slowing down breathing.

THE ROLE OF EMOTIONS IN OUR LIVES

Each emotion, whether pleasant or unpleasant, is critical to survival. Emotions evolved primarily to protect us, but they also enrich our life experiences and help us achieve our objectives. Thus, there are no positive or negative emotions: All emotions are positive because they work for us.

Emotions are processed in the limbic system of our brains, also called the emotional brain. Within this section of the brain is an almond-sized organ named the amygdala, which was long known to be tasked with perceiving threats and triggering a fight-or-flight response when necessary. The latest research shows that the amygdala analyzes the significance of the perceived stimuli and then categorizes them as a threat or a non-threat before triggering a fight-or-flight response.

Each emotion has a specific purpose along with a message to deliver. For instance, the purpose of fear is to keep us clear from danger, and its message is “Beware! You are in danger!” While the purpose of happiness is to make us pay attention to what is good in our lives, and its message is “This is good. You should keep it in your life.”

WE CANNOT CONTROL EMOTIONS. WE CAN ONLY NAVIGATE THEM.

Attempting to control an emotion means trying to have an instant command of the sympathetic nervous system, which is impossible. Therefore, one can only try to suppress or ignore the emotion. But it is like pushing a ball underwater. It takes too much effort and only causes the ball to jump out of the water with much more power. Thus, trying to control an emotion is like planting a time bomb. It ultimately results in the emotion surfacing with a much bigger reaction later.

We may not control our emotions, but we can choose how we respond to them. EQ aids us in cultivating and giving that response.

Six Seconds suggests a three-step process for interacting with any emotion: Validate—Explore—Transform (VET). First, we VALIDATE the emotion (What am I feeling? How would I name this emotion?), then EXPLORE it (Where in my body am I feeling it? Which thoughts are accompanying it? What is the message this emotion trying to convey?), and finally TRANSFORM it into action (What will I do with the emotion? What is the best way to use its wisdom?).

SIX SECONDS EQ MODEL: Practicing EQ in three steps!

The Six Seconds Emotional Intelligence model is simple but effective. It has three steps: Know Yourself --> Choose Yourself --> Give Yourself.

Step 1: Know Yourself

As the brain translates any situation based on our scripts and past experiences, the first step is enhancing awareness of our translation of the situation and resulting thoughts, emotions, and feelings. This is a conscious, cognitive, self-checking process. Practicing this step helps us make emotions our strategic allies and prevents us from reacting to a situation without thought.

Awareness of our triggers and automatic Think → Feel → Act patterns significantly contribute to the effectiveness of this step.

A QUICK INSIGHT: What is an automatic reaction pattern?

When we face a situation, we observe it (collect the stimuli) with our senses to understand (decode) what is happening. This decoding process is highly subjective, meaning we interpret every situation based on, but not limited to, the culture we grew up in, our values and beliefs, and the inferences we made based on our experiences. These are like scripts affecting our actions. I usually refer to them as luggage. We all have luggage that we carry wherever we go.

When the decoding process is automatic, our brain jumps to conclusions based on the contents of our luggage. This automatic meaning-making process results in thoughts, which trigger the release of certain neurotransmitters (emotions). Then, we act automatically (without thinking) on those thoughts and feelings.

If a specific automatic reaction repeatedly helps us achieve the desired results, it becomes a pattern in our lives. We then tend to employ it in situations our brain identifies as similar.

The obvious risk here is that an automatic pattern is a reaction. Especially in careers and relationships, actions often require a carefully crafted conscious response rather than an automatic reaction.

Step 2: Choose Yourself

This second step in the Six Seconds EQ model invites us to consciously create alternatives to responding to a situation and choose the best one.

I am deliberately using the word response here as it signifies conscious choice and significantly deviates from the reaction, which lacks conscious thinking and consideration. The best response in any given situation is the one that provides us with the highest probability of achieving the objectives we seek.

There is a need for clarification here. The word objective requires a definition so that the last sentence of the paragraph above does not seem manipulative.

The objective is not short-term personal gain. It is ethical, empathetic, and energized by our inner wisdom. It results from careful consideration for others and helps us become a better version of ourselves (our ideal self, who we want to become when we grow old).

Step 3: Give Yourself

The third step is about heartfully acting on the chosen response, energizing it with our purpose (our WHY), values, and care for the well-being of others. Once we give ourselves to our chosen response, immense courage, confidence, and strength emerge. As a result, our bond with our response intensifies, and its impact multiplies. Thus, we stay committed to it even in the face of adversity.

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE INVITES US TO USE OUR EMOTIONS AND INTELLIGENCE TOGETHER.

EMOTIONS + INTELLIGENCE = EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Practicing EQ is a conscious activity. Pausing to gain a deeper awareness of our thoughts and emotions, creating alternative responses, choosing the smartest one, and then purposefully implementing it requires conscious cognitive effort. So, the thinking brain (prefrontal cortex) leads the EQ practice while continuously working on and with emotions.

As soon as this conscious cognitive process begins, ruminating—repeatedly thinking about what happened, which only escalates (triggers the release of more) emotions and creates more unhelpful thoughts—stops. Our minds cannot think about two things at once.

You may be skeptical about this. So, let’s give it a try.

Think about when you were last angry about something. It could be something you encountered in traffic, an argument with your boss, or a condescending email you received from a colleague.

Now, here is what I want you to do:

·????? Please close your eyes and return to the moment your anger was triggered.

·????? Try to relive the situation in your mind.

·????? Recall the thoughts you had and the emotions you felt.

NOW… DO NOT STOP THE IMAGINATION PROCESS!

DO NOT LET GO OF THE THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS!

At the same time…

·????? Try doing the following multiplication. (DO NOT use a calculator or pen and paper) 346 x 24 = ?

You will see that you can only do one of them and not both simultaneously. The moment your mind starts doing the math, the imagination process stops, and vice versa.

Practicing EQ helps us by opening a safe, nurturing, and growing space (like the eye of the storm), and in that safe space, it enables us to switch to a conscious flow of Thinking > Feeling > Acting. The more mindful we are of ourselves, our choices, and our actions, the better we respond.

Using our intelligence and emotions together makes us smarter, improves the quality of our decisions, and helps us achieve our objectives. This is why Six Seconds defines EQ as being SMARTER with emotions.

LET’S TO PRACTICE EQ TOGETHER!

Imagine this scenario: You are preparing to leave the office on a Thursday afternoon in a tiring week. Your boss rings and asks you to prepare an elaborate report about the past month’s sales. He says it is urgent and needs it for the Board meeting early next morning.

You cannot help but think that he does this all the time. His requests are almost always untimely and attached to very tight time frames. You stay silent for a few seconds on the phone but then feel obliged to take on the task with mixed feelings.

As you drive home, your mind is hung up on the situation. You cannot come to terms with it. The data to be used in the report is not newly published. The past month's results were finalized and released over two weeks ago; thus, your boss could have asked for this earlier. Because he did not, you will have to stay up all night and prepare it for him.

You arrive home fumed with anger. The incident brings up similar occurrences in your mind, supporting your perspective. Remembering and rethinking these instances (ruminating) intensify the unpleasant emotions you have been feeling.

The more you despise your boss, the more you lose motivation to prepare the report. You tell yourself enough is enough and seriously think about quitting your job. At one point, you even consider not preparing the report and calling in sick the next day.

After hours of fighting the situation, you have yet to start working on the report. Having less time than you had a few hours ago intensifies your stress.

What will you do?

PRACTICING EQ WITH THE SIX SECONDS METHOD

STEP 1: KNOW YOURSELF

You feel your anger growing inside you, but you decide to PAUSE before reacting (saying something you would later regret) and filling your mind with unhelpful thoughts that would intensify your anger.

You pour yourself a cup of freshly brewed green tea, lay on the comfy couch in your living room, and start playing the playlist with your favorite songs. You focus your mind on the lyrics for a couple of songs. ?

Then, you get up, look deeply at your thoughts and emotions, and notice that it is not anger alone. Anger may be the emotion on the surface, but you are also experiencing anxiety and disappointment.

You take a pen and paper and start writing down your thoughts and emotions.

Your note looks something like this:

Ruminating about what happened and reminding yourself of seemingly similar past experiences create and recreate negative thoughts and intensify unpleasant emotions. This will not help you. It will only push you towards REACTING; when you react, you will derail your career. Your awareness of this stops the ruminating.

Then, you try to see the messages your emotions carry.

ANGER warns you that there is a barrier to your objective, and it energizes you to remove that barrier. Spending your limited energy on removing the barrier is much wiser than exhausting yourself with fighting it (the situation and yourself, as you have been doing). ?

What is your objective here?

You want to be successful at your position to be promoted or receive attractive job offers from larger companies to advance your career. Success depends on your performance at your current job, measured by the quality of the work you create. Because your boss decides the quality of your work, you need him to agree that your work is of high quality.

What must you do to ensure that?

The answer is obvious. You must start working on the report by giving it everything you got!

What is the barrier that is keeping you from getting on with it?

When you dig deeper, you see that given the little time you have to prepare it, you are concerned about making mistakes in this critical report. You notice that the pressure you are under fuels your anxiety, which exacerbates your anger.

ANXIETY signals that something you value is at risk. Your future, career, happiness, self-confidence, self-esteem… There are indeed many things at risk. However, anxiety would also be the strong ally that helps you be conscientious, attentive, and (physically and emotionally) vigilant to ensure the report is accurate and up to your boss’s expectations despite these adverse circumstances.

DISAPPOINTMENT signals that something fell short of your expectations. It is a mixed emotion that might embody sadness, loss, and frustration. ?

Your disappointment arises from the gap between how your boss behaved and your expectations of him. It invites you to do a self-check and mitigate if possible.

If the process leading to the disappointment was under your control, you might try to mitigate it. Say you took the Bar exam and failed. You are disappointed at the result, but the process was within your control. You could have prepared better. You can mitigate the gap by working harder and retaking the exam. In such a case, disappointment would push you to study better and concentrate the second time by reminding you of the last time.

If the process was not in your control, ask yourself:

·????? What are the reasons behind your disappointment?

·????? Are those reasons facts or assumptions?

Take your beliefs about your boss, for example. You find him to be disorganized, uncaring, and indifferent. Are these facts or assumptions you made based on your experiences with him? Did you ever listen to his story to check your assumptions? Did you talk with him to check and understand the reasons behind his actions? Are you 100% sure that your assumptions are correct?? ?

In short, have you been authentically curious or automatically judgmental? (Hats off, Ted Lasso! [1])

You notice that your beliefs are mere assumptions. You do not know why he asked for the report on such short notice.

This insight weighs off your anger and disappointment.

EVALUATION: PRACTICING EQ

At first, your amygdala was in charge. It believed there was a threat, which pushed you toward a fight response. However, you managed to PAUSE instead of giving an automatic reaction that would cost you your career objectives.

On your way home, you kept ruminating, which intensified your emotions and resulted in your loss of motivation for preparing the report. Having left with too little time to prepare it increased your anxiety.

At that moment, you started practicing EQ.

STEP 1: KNOW YOURSELF

You stopped to look deeply at yourself, your thoughts, and your emotions.

This conscious self-check has activated your prefrontal cortex. The thinking brain has taken the control back from the amygdala. Thus, the release of new neurochemicals (emotions) has stopped. As a result, within six seconds, your body started to feel less tense, your heart rate slowed, and your breathing began to normalize.

You let go of the unhelpful thoughts and allow your anger and anxiety to pass gently. To aid the effort, you take a short walk in the garden, listening to relaxing music.

When you return to your apartment, you feel ready to choose your response to support your objectives consciously.

STEP 2: CHOOSE YOURSELF

You are cautious but at peace with yourself. This mood gives you mental clarity. Your intellectual ability to create options for responding to the situation is now unburdened. It is also energized by the messages that your emotions bring. ?

Considering the options and consequences, you choose to prepare the report to the best of your ability. Preparing the report with maximum effort and undivided focus would help you reach your objectives and reflect who you are, meaning staying loyal to yourself. This would reinforce your self-esteem.

You suddenly have the epiphany that practicing EQ could create new conditions out of the ones that looked miserable and unchangeable. You feel safer, happier, and more robust.

Now, you are ready to start working on the report.

STEP 3: GIVE YOURSELF

You spend the next few hours working on the report.

Your serenity and emotional climate amplify your knowledge, talent, and effort. You know your choice is aligned with your purpose and values while concurring with the sage inside you. It is also an empathetic one. It considers both yourself and your boss together.

When you are done, you are surprised to notice that the work took less than you initially thought.

----? ?

Life is full of challenging situations like the one above.

Reacting -acting without carefully considering the options and consequences- in these situations would lead to our demise in more than most cases. If our goal is to achieve our objectives, the best way is to use the wisdom of our emotions and intelligence together and consciously practice EQ to find the best way out of such critical situations.

I invite you to learn more about the Six Seconds EQ model and to become an EQ practitioner so that you can help us make this world a better place, one person at a time.

?

D. Kilic Arslanturk

EQAC, BPC?

For more information on the Six Seconds EQ Model, please visit www.6seconds.org

[1] Ted Lasso, TV Series, Apple TV+