The Silent Battle: My Experience With Panic Disorder

The thing about it is that no one sees it.

“Hey, how are you?”

“Good, how about yourself?”

“Good!”

Short and to the point. That’s how most of our human interactions go. It’s an automatic response. We’ve all done it and will continue to do it – it’s part of the human norm. Spilling out every ounce of every deep-rooted emotion is not realistic or expected in a conversation. Let’s be honest, we have no time for that. We live busy lives. So where do we find the balance?

We always hear about ‘Mental Health Awareness’, but what does it really mean? Personally, I’ve always seen it as a general awareness of anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, and panic attacks. People create posts, hashtags, and videos, which is great, however, once the awareness month is over, what’s next? People often move on to the next awareness month or simply put it on the backburner and move on to ‘the grind.’ People living with mental health issues, however, are more than just ‘aware’ of it. They live with it…they live with the symptoms (physical and physiological) every single day. I’ll be honest…I always thought it was something I didn’t identify with or something that I would never have.

You don’t walk around with a sign on your forehead saying ‘mentally ill’ or are allowed to get free pass just because of this invisible illness. At the same time, it’s 2024 and a lot of people are dealing with mental health issues. Thankfully, awareness is at an all-time high, I feel, and there are so many resources now than ever. A lot of people learn to live with mental health issues and carry on. Others may need some intervention, whether it be therapy or medication. Even though there is overall awareness of it, I also feel that people feel they cannot bring it up without being ashamed or embarrassed by it. Or they simply don’t know how to bring it up.

This is my story of dealing with probably the hardest chapter of my life. This was a chapter that forced me to take two months off from work to recover from something I never thought I’d be dealing with…panic disorder.

It started in February 2023, and it carried through all of 2023 and into 2024. I’m telling my story knowing I’m not the only one who has gone through this or is currently going through this. Everyone has a story, and some suffer in silence. My goals with this article are:

1. Make whoever is going through hard time to not be afraid to speak up. I understand some things we keep to ourselves. Let’s normalize being more open and transparent about this. Let’s normalize saying “I’m not okay, and I don’t even know how to bring it up,” “I’m feeling super down, can you talk?”, “I’ve been feeling empty”, “hey I just need someone to talk to. You got time?,” or “I’m having panic attacks, no one understands what I’m truly going through”.
2. Know you have a friend in me when it comes to this, as hard as it may be to talk about it. A friendship, conversation or even a smile can make a difference. Sometimes simply knowing someone else is going through this is sufficient.
3. To help you see that there is a solution to this madness! I feel that even though companies offer amazing resources for mental health, they don’t do enough to educate employees about their resources and benefits, including free therapy, Family Medical Leave Act or Short-term Disability.

My First Panic attack

2023 was off to a great start. I was coming off a huge high in 2022 winning a cool engineering award and starting a new job. It all changed in February 2023 at Cielo Vista Mall in El Paso, Texas. I was walking out of Dillard’s on my way to Bath and Bodyworks. As I was passing Build-A-Bear making my way to the main mall concourse, suddenly, I felt extremely dizzy – not in a vertigo-kind-of-way, but more so in a floating manner where you feel ‘drunk’ and an out-of-body sensation. I felt my heart race and a feeling like I needed to leave or hold onto something; this was an intense fight-or-flight mode. I was sure I was having a seizure, even though I’ve never had one. I was with my mom, but I did not want to scare her, so I tried my best not to show it. There was this extreme sensation of fear – a rush of whatever this was going through every single part and limb of my body. I did not want to cause a scene, so I continued walking and took a detour to JC Penney where I entered the restroom to wash my face with water to see if whatever this was would go away. That was my first panic attack – the first of many. And the start to the worst chapter of my life.

I felt a bit better after a bit and left JC Penney, and walked to Bath and Bodyworks, but instead of going in, I sat on the bench outside of the store where the dizziness came back. I pulled out my phone and began Googling my symptoms…and we all know the rabbit hole we all go into googling any type of symptoms. I finally entered Bath and Bodyworks after I calmed down a bit but left shortly thereafter without buying anything. I walked back to Dillard’s where my mom was waiting for me, and we left the mall. I left scared and confused, not really knowing what just happened. “Can I even come back to Cielo Vista Mall after this?” “What the heck did I just experience?” I asked myself.

Throughout 2023 and 2024, I got panic attacks all the time – at work during meetings or presentations, walking outside during lunch hour, at restaurants, at the grocery store, and anywhere where there were people. I got really good at hiding them, but it took so much out of me.

What is a panic attack?

Before I continue, I did want to define what a panic attack is. A lot of people get panic and anxiety attacks mixed up.

In short, anxiety attacks happen when you’re overly worried about how you’re going to pay the next bills, when you’re up at night scared of potentially being laid off, the night before giving a huge presentation, or when you feel worried about the future in general. I think if you’re a normal breathing human being with a pulse, you’ve had an anxiety attack. Anxiety is a response to stress and a very critical part of our lives – we all need it. It’s when it becomes excessive that it becomes a problem.

Panic Attacks are like anxiety attacks ‘on steroids’ (the way millennials describe anything that is tenfold of the original). They are rare and more severe than anxiety and can come without warning. It feels like you’re about to die. Feelings include impending doom, shortness of breath, dizziness, fast heart rate, feeling like you're going to faint, weak legs, shaking/sweating and nausea. It’s a moment where you feel like you can’t function and like you’re having a heart attack. Some people have to fall to the floor because that’s the only escape. Some go to the ER because panic attacks are very scary and traumatizing. Often times, the place/location where you get your first panic attack becomes a trigger and you avoid it.

No one knows how panic attacks truly develop. In short, it seems like prolonged stress is the main culprit. It’s when our fight-or-flight mode is always on. It’s when our parasympathetic nervous system does not activate and we’re always on alert – as if a pack of wolves is after us…at all times. Our sympathetic nervous system, which controls fight-or-flight responses is always on. It’s exhausting.

Another potential cause is drug and alcohol-overuse. When I kept seeing that during my Google adventures, it was frustrating because I don’t do drugs and I’m not an alcoholic, and at least those people had an “excuse” for their panic attacks.

Normalizing This Feeling

I felt this weird “dizzy/floating” sensation on a daily basis. Those who I am close to know this because I would tell them. I felt drunk every day…but not the good kind of drunk – if such exists. The most frustrating thing was that I did not know what it was, and I did not know how to fully explain it. In a way, I got used to it. This was my “new normal.”

I would get a panic attack at least once a week, and my body was in this floaty-drunk feeling every minute of every hour of every day.

So, what caused it?

A couple of weeks before my first panic attack, my nephew was admitted into the hospital and stayed there for about a week. It was a hectic time for my family and I, but everything turned out good with him, thankfully. It was stressful, but we ended up getting back up and moving on. My fight-or-flight mode was on for sure this time, but I figured it’d turn off after my nephew was healed. It seemed like I was pretty normal afterwards…like we would just move on from this bad experience. And I thought I did, until the other potential causes happened during time too.

Other potential causes were not sleeping, stress, and not setting boundaries. I cannot pinpoint one cause, but it just seemed like all the stress-causing planets aligned perfectly during this time, which caused my nervous system to become severely dysregulated.

Why was this happening?

Surely it wasn’t the first time I had stressed before. Being tired and stressed aren’t new to me. Anyone who completed a degree in engineering knows the beautiful mixture-harmony of sleeplessness and stress. I was driven by stress and loved the payoff. Engineering students run on adrenaline, caffeine, and the dream of one day becoming a Professional Engineer or a P.E.

In 2017, my father passed away one month after I got married and it was an experience I never want to go through again. In 2019 I got divorced, which wasn’t pleasing and ever-so stressful. I also earned Master’s while working full-time from 2018 to 2021. These specific times were stressful, and I wasn’t sleeping a lot. But I turned out fine. I had zero panic attacks during all these years. Why was I dealing with this now? I kept saying “man, I don’t have any kids, what’s my excuse for being stressed? I have a good life!” It just seemed like my threshold for stressing out was so low…anything would stress me out. Trying to find the reason for my panic attacks stressed me out. It was a never-ending cycle.

What was I feeling?

Panic attacked-induced-anxiety is like extreme nervous energy that cannot find a way out. That’s all panic disorder is – an excess in nervous energy/adrenaline that your body manifests in different uncomfortable ways. Imagine filling up your gas tank but instead of going into the gas tank it goes somewhere else that’s making the vehicle act up and you don’t know why…that’s what nervous energy feels like. I felt dizziness, heart racing, weak legs, and symptoms of low-blood sugar, even though I’m perfectly healthy. I would carry crackers and fruit with me everywhere because I was afraid I’d faint. I couldn’t even stand in line at a store or stand talking to a group of people because I’d be afraid I’d fall over due to my weak legs. These feelings caused me to feel like I had agoraphobia, which is fear of going to public places. I would feel severely exhausted during the day and at night. It was a new type of exhaustion.

March 2023 through September 2023

March through September were pretty stressful months. Work ramped up and I was traveling for work and personal reasons. I was going through life – as hard as it can be – putting on a mask hiding what I was truly going through. It was like carrying a 50-lb backpack during a hike while everyone else in your group is not wearing a backpack. It was like you’re in a race against others on a treadmill, except they’re at 0% incline and you’re at 10%. It put my life on extra-hard mode, but on the exterior I seemed fine.

I started missing luncheons, meetings, happy hours with co-workers and social activities in general. Being involved and attending social events was my passion…now imagine taking that away from me? The guy that once loved happy hours, volunteering, events with students, giving presentations was fading away. I would muster up the courage to attend some mandatory meetings and presentations, and it was a lot of work mentally preparing myself. If you saw me out in public or meetings/training, you couldn’t tell I was going through this. My people-pleasing-self kept telling myself “You have a great life! There are others struggling worse than you, yet you’re over here dealing with this?”

My love for social events was replaced with a bunch of “what-ifs”… “What if I get so dizzy, I fall to the floor?” “What if my legs buckle up from under me?” “What if I faint?” “What if others see me and they think differently of me?” It was all a hit to the gut.

Doctors and Specialists

I went to see numerous doctors and specialists. I saw two Ear Nose Throat (ENT) doctors, I got an MRI, blood tests, I went to an ear doctor, a hearing specialist, Urgent Care, a chiropractor and even went to physical therapy for vertigo. My main complaint was dizziness, but it just seemed like no one knew what it was. It was relieving to know I was normal, but at the same time it was frustrating that no one knew what was causing this. I thought I was going crazy. No one was helping me. Was it all in my head? It sure didn’t feel like it. Panic disorder feels so real.

It was tough balancing all these appointments with work and my extracurriculars. I felt guilty for having to leave work to attend to this, but it was necessary. People were very patient and understanding with me. Through all this, I was traveling for work for a once-a-month training March 2023 through September 2023. Instead of going out after our trainings in Austin like I normally would, I would go sleep instead. When I did go out, alcohol was a little escape for me because I finally felt “normal” and had an actual reason to feel buzzed. But the next day was always horrible – no, not because of a hangover, but because it took my body extra time to go back to normal after drinking alcohol.

I saw a quote one time that read “Those who suffer from mental illness are stronger than you think. We must fight to go to work, fight to go on vacation, fight to function in society…just to be normal” and it’s so true.

You won’t believe the number of articles I read on panic disorder, the amount of YouTube videos I watched on how to deal with this and videos of people’s recovery stories.

What used to seem like normal easy things, now seemed impossible and daunting. I prayed for ONE normal day. I do want to be clear that I did not have social anxiety. I did not have generalized anxiety disorder. I had panic disorder, although it’s often associated with anxiety too.

June 2023

In June 2023 – my birthday month – after months of not wanting to take medication, I started taking Cymbalta (duloxetine), which is anxiety/depression medication. I wasn’t battling with depression or anxiety, but it worked for me in terms of relieving panic attacks. However, it came with a lot of horrible side effects including extreme sleepiness. I would go to my truck to sleep every day during my lunch hour. Getting home I would feel so tired and sleepy. I figured it was a good trade-off, I guess. I knew this was not sustainable. Sure, it relieved my panic attacks…but at what cost? I gained weight during this time, and I just wasn’t myself. I eventually got off the medication in September 2023. I managed to finish off the year without medication. I did not want to take medication. The panic attacks subsided a bit between September through December. The feeling was still lingering there but wasn’t as bad as before. In November/December, the outside stress came back, and the panic attacks came back.

December 2023

In December 2023, I broke my left arm/elbow. It happened at 11:30pm while standing on a computer chair with rolling wheels to put up an LED light in my room. As physics (and common sense) would tell you, the chair rolled up from under me and I fell back and landed on my elbow. I was in sling and cast for over a month and the worst part wasn’t the pain or the fact that my elbow and forearm were not connected. No. It was the fact I could not scratch due to an itch under the cast. Worst. Thing. Ever.

The broken arm was a blessing in disguise. Sure, I was bummed out, but it was a bit of a distraction from my panic attacks. My broken arm was visible to others. People knew I was dealing with a broken arm because it’s visible. My panic attacks were not visible.

December was one of the toughest months. I got my biggest panic attack at Walgreens one night in December that forced me to leave the store in a hurry. I was frustrated, I was done. I didn’t want to live like this. I called my girlfriend that night almost crying. She, like many other times, lifted me up and gave me the strength and motivation to fight, and so I did…as defeated as I was. I took a picture that night to remind me in my panic-less future what I felt that night:

Prevalence of Loneliness

People with mental issues walk around with a smile, and when you ask them how they’re doing, they say “good”. Sometimes they don’t want to “burden you” with their issues. Or, heck, they have no idea how to even bring it up in the first place.

You always hear about people that commit suicide…about how normal and happy they seemed days/hours before they committed suicide. Robin Williams, Alex Bourdain, Kate Spade, Tim Bergling (Avicii), Chester Bennington, Chris Cornell, and many others. Anxiety does not discriminate…anyone can have it. These people seemed fine on the outside, but I’m sure they were facing dark times alone. Could they have been saved by speaking up? Maybe. But one conversation can change anyone, one smile can change anyone, one “oh, man you’re going through the same thing as me?” can change everything. Speaking up is important. You’re not a burden, your story makes sense, how you’re feeling makes sense! A simple “have a great day” in the elevator to a stranger can lift them up from the rough morning they were having. We can all do our part.

When professional tennis players Naomi Osaka and Amanda Anisimova and took a mental health break in 2021 and 2023, respectively, I thought to myself…you have to be in a really dark place to get to that. I’ll be honest, when Naomi took a break in 2021, I asked “why?” “can’t she just rest and get back to the grind? She’s got a good life and a lot of money”. But I learned that it’s not that easy. It’s not easy to bounce back from this. Michael Phelps, 28-time-olympic-medalist, also battled with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. One of my favorite lead singers Chester Bennington committed suicide. Just a couple days before, he was in a picture with his family smiling.

Leagues like the NFL and NBA are also spearheading mental health. The NFL has a program called the ‘NFL Total Wellness’ that provides NFL players and their families with wellness and health resources. In 2019, the NFL agreed to have a licensed behavioral health clinician on every single staff.

The NBA has the ‘NBA Mind Health’ that is “guided by the central idea of humanizing mental health. We promote overall wellness and optimal performance through education, proactive care, mental skill development, and direct support.”

Kevin Love was one of the first NBA players that was very outspoken about this as he dealt with a panic attack during a time-out in a game. He reminded us that even a successful all-star basketball player like him can be suffering. He mentioned that he was embarrassed and scared to tell people but was surprised at how supportive his coaches and teammates were, including LeBron James. His article and video interview are a very good read.

February 2024

Months after getting my cast off, in February 2024, I went to physical therapy for my elbow. The day of my appointment, I made an on-the-spot change from elbow therapy to dizziness/vertical therapy. I thought it was another shot at fixing this. I was hoping this was it – this would help me get over all of this. This was my last resort.

On one of the walls in the therapy place, there were large letters saying, “LOVE YOUR LIFE”. I vividly remember thinking “I don’t love my life right now”. It was true. I was miserable. I was not loving my life at all. This was controlling my life. I remember telling my mom this and she cried a lot. I did too in private.

They said the dizziness issue stemmed from my neck, or called cervicogenic vertigo, and I ended up going to about 5 different appointments, taking time off work to go during a busy season at work. They would have me do neck stretches, back workouts and breathing exercises. The last two times I kept thinking “What in the world am I doing here?” I appreciated what they did for me, but ultimately, it wasn’t my solution. I felt the absolute same. I also went to a chiropractor complaining of vertigo. I was adjusted, and although it felt good, it didn’t help me out. Ironically, I had a huge panic attack in the waiting area at the chiropractor. Go figure.

March 2024

In March 2024, people became more aware that I was going through ‘something’ when I started missing work more, working from home more, and more so when I canceled a trip to Amarillo, TX to visit my girlfriend for our one-year anniversary in early March. Up to that point, I had never canceled a trip. I learned to travel with my panic disorder, but I knew this time was serious. I was scared to travel to Amarillo. It was really affecting me and could potentially affect my relationship. We celebrated our anniversary virtually, but I could not help but feel frustrated, angry and sad that this panic was getting in the way of more personal things now. This was the final straw. During this time, I also started taking natural vitamins/herbs, but unfortunately, they made me feel even worse. The natural vitamins/herbs that were supposed to help me, were actually making me feel worse. Again, go figure.

Therapy

It was after this when I decided to go to therapy. Why did it take me so long to go to therapy, you may ask? I just thought this panic/anxiety would disappear. I wanted to rule out anything physical and medical before going to therapy. But…why did it take so long? The answer is, I don’t know. This started in February 2023, and I didn’t go to therapy until March 2024. That is over a year of dealing with this. Panic disorder and anxiety bring on VERY physical symptoms that I even questioned, “is talking to anyone going to help?” during that time. I didn’t want to take medication, but I figured after a while the panic will just go away. But it didn’t…it was getting worse.

I started therapy in mid-March 2024. I was officially diagnosed with panic disorder. I did cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), and it taught me:

1. I’m a people-pleaser. I said yes to a lot.
2. How to reframe my thoughts, especially when feeling a panic attack.
3. Panic attacks are just nervous energy through your body.
4. The cause of panic disorder branches out into several different reasons, including things that have happened in the past. It helped me peel off many layers of myself.
5. To love myself more and be kinder to myself.
6. I am responsible for my well-being. I cannot change others or the world.
7. The power of meditation and deep-breathing.

In total I saw two different therapists and one psychiatrist from March 2023 to June 2023. They truly helped guide me through all this. My psychiatrist gave me as-needed medication, which I took only once. I wanted to do this without medication but did want to have something there just in case. I put in A LOT of work during this time, led by their knowledge and wisdom. They gave me homework, which was known as exposure therapy. I had to go to public places, including Cielo Vista Mall, to face my fears and defeat them. I was going to these places, not so much to enjoy them, but to prove to myself that I could do this. It was like learning to walk again. Exposure and acceptance are the way to defeat this. I did it over and over – as uncomfortable as it was – and slowly I taught my body that…it really is just in my head.

My Two-Month-Break From Work

When I started therapy, and during the worst part of all this ordeal, I educated myself on short-term disability and the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA). In short, mental health is covered by these two, meaning I could take time off to fix myself and get paid by the disability insurance. I had no idea this existed, and quite frankly not a lot of people knew. I figured disability was for people in a wheelchair or if you got major surgery. I encourage people going through this to look into these benefits. Don’t abuse them, of course, but if you need them…you need them!

You can see all that I went through just to get to this point. I didn’t want to stop working. I didn’t want to take time off. I love my job, I love my co-workers, I love being involved and I love what I do. I didn’t want to leave…for crying out loud, it took me a year to get to this.

Thankfully, I was approved of Short-Term Disability and FMLA from April 1, 2024 to May 31, 2024. I did not work during this time, and I was getting paid 2/3 of my regular pay. I took this time to heal, to go to therapy, to explore the outdoors and nature, and to reset my mind and body.

My co-workers playfully said “man, go to Disneyland! Go to Europe! You got so much time off”, but honestly, that was the last thing on my mind. This wasn’t PTO or vacation. This was time off to heal – to get me back to baseline, or normality. There was no way I could even go to the Happiest Place on Earth in the condition I was in. My goal was simple: be back to my old self…maybe better. To not feel panic anymore. To enjoy the things that I once enjoyed. To go ONE day without feeling like this.

I am so thankful to my company for making this process so seamless and my bosses for allowing me to take this time. I was almost embarrassed/nervous asking for this time off, but they made me feel so comforted and understood. I wanted to be at work my 110% self, not my 25% low-battery-self. They fully supported me and have continuously supported me now that I came back to work. A huge shoutout to HNTB for making this process so easy and making me feel that... IT’S OKAY TO TALK ABOUT THIS.

When I told friends and colleagues from other companies I took time off to heal using short-term disability and FMLA, they said “man I want to work where you work!,” to which I responded, “you don’t have to work where I work. They offer it at your company too. This is a benefit provided to you by the government, not a company.”

Do not embarrassed asking for this. It’s just not as normalized as it should be. Again, do not abuse it…use it if you truly need it.

Your Health and Work-Life Balance

I do want to emphasize that I believe in hard work. I got to where I am at because of hard work (in my humble opinion). I believe in hard work. I believe in the grind. Waking up early to go work out to MAKE TIME for your productive day. I believe in volunteering and becoming a well-rounded engineer and person. I believe in giving back to the community. I believe in putting in the time, but there is a fine line between that and becoming a workaholic. What is that fine line? I know better now than before.

1. Prioritize what’s important at your job. Work hard, but also have fun. You’re at work 40+ hours, learn to have fun at work while getting things done. You can still get business done, while talking to your co-workers about fun plans for the weekend in the breakroom. The break room is for talking about non-work stuff, but once you’re at your desk, it’s game-time.
2. Turn off e-mail notifications on your phone. If something is urgent, they’ll call. We’re all guilty of subconsciously checking our emails without even thinking – even on vacation.
3. Please do not work on your PTO. Not only is it bad, but it indirectly sets the example for others. I get there are major exceptions, but still, try your best not to.
4. Gym in the morning. It sets the mood and energy for the day.
5. Be your true self…but I know this one is hard. You’ll work with a lot of different personalities. Learn from others, but ultimately do it YOUR way. Be your unique self. Don’t be afraid to propose new ideas or new ways of doing things.
6. Your family and kids will remember you being a workaholic.
7. Although I prefer working in the office, working from home is a luxury every company should offer when needed.
8. Go for walks during your lunch hour. A five-minute meditation does wonders too.
9. Diet and eat right. It makes a huge difference mentally.
10. Be involved in organizations! It’s always nice getting others’ perspectives and meeting so many people.

We all want to live a good life. We all want to have a sense of belonging, to feel productive, to feel accomplished and appreciated. You cannot control others. You can only control yourself. Mental health is your responsibility. The world will be the world, and people will be people. It’s your job to put up boundaries, learn to say ‘no’ and be an example for others. For example, learn to be appreciative. A simple “hey great job” goes a very long way and becomes a win-win situation for all. You can set that example with your team and others. Taking a break, saying ‘no’ and putting up boundaries does not make you a lazy person. The projects will continue, the company will still be…the company. You are not lazy, you’re smart. Work hard and work smart!

Road To Recovery

I’m a Christian. During the months of March and April 2023 I did not attend church in person, rather I attended virtually. The panic disorder truly had a hold of me. I prayed endlessly for God to help me with this. God knew the challenge I was going through. I will admit, after a while of going through this I was just angry. “Why is this happening to me? I’m so tired of this.” “God, what are you trying to teach me with this? I trust Your plan, but I’m just so confused” God works in the most mysterious ways. He will challenge us in ways we may not always agree to. I always sensed that God was working on this great plan behind the scenes for me that only He knew the purpose for. I feel that God wants me to be a leader and pioneer in mental health. He, out of anyone, knows I am very outspoken and a born leader. I never lost my faith in Him, and I am here because of Him.

It’s easy to say “I’m here if you need someone to talk to” however, I bet you 4 out of 5 people wouldn’t take you up on that offer because…how do you even break the silence on this? I had a tough time being open about this up until this year. It’s like I was ashamed of my condition. It was like this secret that I didn’t want anyone to know about or else they were going to see me differently. And now, I’m going public with it.

I hope, even if we never talk, that I can reach at least one or two people with this article.

In summary, this is what helped me:

• My trust in God – that whatever I was going through was somehow going to make sense some day.
• My family and my girlfriend for always understanding me even when I felt misunderstood or a burden. My mom, who I live with, shared this experience with me. I’ll be forever-appreciative.
• Being able to take time off to reset my mind.
• Therapy – specifically CBT therapy. It’s good to have a therapist that listens and challenges you.
• Acceptance – accept that you’re going through this and that it’ll take time to recover.
• Exposure Therapy – recovery is hard and scary. It may take a while and you may have setbacks but keep going.
• Putting healthy boundaries for myself at work and in general
• Working on my people-pleasing
• Going on hikes and outdoor walks
• Meditation. Even a five-minute deep-breathing session works!
• Social interactions with others
• Eating healthy and going to the gym in the morning
• The book and phone app called ‘DARE’ by Barry McDonaugh

One thing my therapist told me that stuck with me was, “stop saying you’re healed or that you’re going to be healed” because that infers that there is something wrong with you to begin with. And it’s true. As real as panic disorder felt, I never had any true vertigo, my limbs were working fine, my heart is perfectly healthy, and I never once fainted or fell to the floor. I still get this rush of nervous energy every so often, but I am so much better-equipped now to handle it. I feel very confident in moving forward and getting my life back. I am also healthier, lost weight and people have said I just look happier overall. My mindset has shifted dramatically.

My mindset is driven by my goals in life and fueled by this eagerness to live life to its fullest and to show people that if I can get through this, they can too.

If you see me, don’t be afraid to ask me about this. Don’t feel sorry or bad, celebrate with me! I’m not shy or ashamed to talk about it. I hope my vulnerability throughout this article inspired you a bit.

Now, in June 2024, just like the words on the wall at the physical therapy place, “LOVE YOUR LIFE”, I can safely say that I love my life again. This is still a work in progress, but I am so much better now than I was this time last year.

Thank you for allowing me the platform to share my story.

the end.