The Silent Ache: Navigating Relational Grief Outside Professional Spaces

As an executive and wellness coach, I often encounter a particular form of suffering that goes largely unacknowledged: relational silent grief. I must be honest; I haven’t found any specific research using this term. Rather, I came up with it to acknowledge how I've witnessed the quiet, stoic pain experienced by individuals navigating significant life changes – family conflict, divorce, or breakups – often feeling unable to share their struggles outside their immediate space. While bereavement due to loss of life typically elicits compassion and support, the grief associated with interpersonal changes is often minimized or dismissed, leaving individuals to cope in silence, potentially impacting their well-being.

It's almost like the world expects people to keep being productive and efficient, top of their game, when they are silently and painfully grounded to their lowest. Anyone with a keen eye can notice how unrealistic that sounds! Unfortunately, this expectation is often rooted in societal stigma. Breakups and divorces can be viewed as personal failures, leading individuals to internalize shame and fear of judgment. The fear of being perceived as unstable or unreliable can prevent them from sharing their experiences, even with trusted partners or colleagues.

Many of my clients - and it's been my own experience as well- resort to emotional suppression and even denial. The need to armor up and maintain composure while suppressing manifestations of grief can be incredibly taxing, emotionally and physically. Honestly, I don't think that we perform at our best, or contribute at our most inspired capacities, when we are heartbroken. "Emotional suppression has been linked to increased physiological arousal, decreased immune function, and a greater risk of developing mental health problems," notes Dr. James Gross. In this light, I can only imagine how can temporarily undermine people’s sense of hope, possibility, and authenticity.

In the end, while I research more about this fascinating topic and find a framework for this term that I just coined, I would like to share some approaches I use in my personal life and my coaching conversations that allow clients to experience some relief and anchor themselves in much needed self-compassion as they navigate their losses and professional challenges.

1. Pause to Acknowledge and Validate Your Emotions: The first step is to pause to acknowledge and validate your grief. Recognize that experiencing a breakup or divorce is a significant loss, and it's okay to feel sad, angry, confused, or overwhelmed. Pausing to acknowledge that all doesn’t mean you will stay stuck forever. Practice self-compassion, treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend. Research by Dr. Kristin Neff has shown that self-compassion is a powerful buffer against stress.
2. Establish Healthy Boundaries: While you may not feel comfortable sharing details of your personal life, it's important to establish healthy boundaries to protect your well-being. This might involve politely declining social invitations, limiting personal discussions, or taking short breaks to decompress. Setting boundaries allows you to conserve energy and prevent burnout.
3. Seek Support Outside Professional Environments: Find healthy outlets for expressing emotions and seeking support. Talk to a therapist, share with your Forum group, join a support group, connect with trusted friends and family. Prioritizing your well-being can help you cope with the challenges of silent grief and maintain balance.
4. Actively Seek Micro-Moments of Joy: The sun on your face, a smile in the elevator, a small act of kindness. Actively seek small glimmers in your day, and record them before bed in a gratitude journal (or your phone). Feel free to review anytime when you feel your resilience battery is low.
5. Protect Your Sleep and Physical Activity: This is the time to prioritize rest and movement. Get support, enroll in a sports club, or commit with an exercise buddy. Silent grief can become a magnified emotional state leaving biochemistry imprints in your body; norepinephrine leads to increased heart rate and blood pressure, arousal, and affects the sleep-wake cycle, mood, and memory. Cortisol may increase your blood sugar levels, keeping you up at night. Physical exercise will help you counter all that.

Sources:

• Practicing Yoga Nidra, a sleep saver for those insomniac nights, from the Andrew Huberman lab: https://www.hubermanlab.com/nsdr
• My favorite and most impactful resource on self compassion - science validated by Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101.

Finally, remember that you are a human living a human experience. Whatever the circumstances of your challenges, they are only one facet of your rich multidimensional life.

You got this!

Fiorella