Silence Your Inner Critic: Stop Negative Self-Talk and Soar to Success!

Years back, I attended a silent meditation retreat. All I was required to do was observe my breath. When the mind wandered, I was instructed to bring my attention back to my breath. I realised then that there were many conversations going on in my head. All of it was negative, mostly scolding me for letting my thoughts stray. My self-doubt about my ability to complete the 10-day program grew steadily. Since I couldn’t compare notes with anyone, it just ballooned inside me and by the end of Day 1, I was certain that I was going to fail miserably. (By Day 4, I was much better).

Since then, I have watched that internal monologue, and for some reason, it is always negative.?

I wondered if others had it too and it is a question I ask my coaching clients – “what is your self-talk? How does it impact you?” Sadly, in over ten years of coaching leaders and returning women, I have never heard of one positive mental voice.

The Inner Critic – the source of Negative Self-Talk

Bharti is a coaching client. She has been a successful finance leader for close to two decades and has won multiple industry awards. Her husband and she are often called ‘the power couple’ and both her children are doing well academically. As an only child, she is also responsible for keeping tabs on her parents’ well-being.

When she signed up with me for executive coaching, I was puzzled as to what I could offer her – she seemed to have it all under control. When I asked her how I could help, she said she wanted help in building self-confidence. That was a jaw-dropper!?

As we talked, she told me about a typical day and a typical week-end – work, home, time with family, handling her parents’ home and health, entertaining her and her husband’s friends and business associates, personal care… - this list just went on and on. And then came the kicker – she said,?

By the end of the week, there are so many items left on my to-do list, that I’m constantly beating myself up for being lazy, inefficient, inept – you name it, and I’ve called myself that name. I’m just tired of constantly finding myself wanting

And Bharti is not alone. I’ve heard men and women achievers talk about their inner critic who never lets up and constantly makes them doubt themselves.

Negative Self-Talk - where does it come from?

Successful people, whether it be students or leaders, develop an expectation that they’ll always do well. And they do - for a very long time. They do well in their studies, and they excel at work and climb the career ladder faster than their peers. And they begin to believe that whatever they choose to do, they will do well - because they work at it and they give it their all.

But, they forget one thing. A day has only so many hours.??

The figure above is a rough allocation of hours across all things we do everyday. Family time, home chores and caring for parents are non-negotiable and probably cannot be cut any further. Entertaining friends, family and business associates is also not something that can be controlled.?

So what is compromised? - generally, it is sleep or personal care. But, both are essential to physical and mental well-being.

Instead, after a certain point, for every new goal or even just a task, that we add - or start, we must give up an equivalent item. We must stop doing something in order to start doing another thing, or often just to make room for the things that we truly want to do.

When we don’t, the to-do list grows and grows. It then morphs into a must-do list. Lingering task fatigue, when unfinished tasks weigh on our minds adds to the stress of the day..

Productivity guilt sets in, triggers the inner critic who starts the negative self-talk.

Consider the following situations:

Personal Care

As part of her personal care routine, Bharti enjoyed a walk with a group of friends three times a week for an hour in the morning. A few months before we met, a project at work required her to be at her desk by 6 AM for a couple of weeks and she couldn’t make it to the walk. A friend called and joked, “Feeling lazy?”. One response could have been, “Sorry - it is a busy time at work”.?

But Bharti’s mind went into a spin. This was her mental self-talk:?

"Maybe I'm lazy-after all, I could have walked in the evening, but I didn't".?

The next day that thought changed to, "I'm lazy. I can't even be disciplined enough to walk".?

And the next day, it changed to. "I'm lazy (in all aspects of my life)”?

With Family

Around the same time, she asked her husband to accompany her mother to a routine doctor’s appointment. Her mother called and said, “So busy that you’re delegating your responsibilities to your husband?”?

The response could have been, “Sorry Ma - it is a busy time at work”. But Bharti’s mind went into a spin. This was her mental self-talk:?

“I’ve to prioritise better. How can I put work before my mother?”

The next day that thought changed to, "I'm selfish. I’m putting my career growth ahead of my mother”.?

And the next day, it changed to. "I'm a terrible daughter”?

At Work

And what about at work? Bharti decided that she’d leave office at 6 PM everyday, so she could prioritise family time. Her colleagues would ostentatiously look at their watches as she walked by - it was unheard of for a senior management executive to leave at 6 PM.

Bharti’s mind constructed the dialogue, “All of them think I’m getting by on past performance. Maybe it is true? Am I taking advantage of the company?”

The next day that thought changed to, "I’m going to miss that opportunity. And I deserve to. I’m worse than the bad performers.”.?

And the next week, it changed to. "I don’t know why the company even keeps me - I’m a slacker”

And this is how it builds. Constant self-criticism and self-deprecation creates a negative self-perception - over time, this solidifies and becomes the view that we see in the mirror. When we’re praised, we don’t feel good.?

Research shows that our thoughts tend to move to negative self-talk than positive. We seem to remember the bad things that happen for far longer than we remember the good. And as this accumulates day after day, our mental monologue consists solely of the things we haven’t done or done well. Our mind forgets the ‘thank-yous’, the “well-dones”, the promotions, and the awards.

COMPLIMENTS DON'T STICK; CRITICISM DOES

Over time, as Bharti said, we become “tired of constantly finding ourselves wanting.”

Negative Self-Talk - the impact

Negative self-talk can have a number of negative impacts on mental and physical health, as well as relationships and cognitive ability.

All the anxiety, self-doubt and low self-esteem caused by negative self-talk can lead to depression and burn-out. This impacts cognitive ability, leading to reduced productivity and performance and poor decision-making. Stress can impact physical health resulting in poor sleep, a weakened immune system.

When I asked Bharti to describe how all the negative self-talk had impacted her, she reeled off just about everyone of these.?

She was definitely doubting herself, wondering whether her success thus far had been a fluke (imposter syndrome), she was losing interest at work (burn-out), she was thinking of giving up her career (poor decision-making),? she was falling sick more often (poor immune system) and she, who was called “Captain Cool’, was snapping at people on minor issues.

If you have experienced this in any form, please do leave a comment below.

Given all the harm it causes (often without us being aware of it) and given that it is entirely within our control, wouldn’t it be a smart way to be free of it? At least turn down the volume of the chatter if not mute it altogether?

Here are some recommendations - please do try these at home!

To Soar, Mute your Inner Critic

As “Compliments don’t Stick, Criticism Does”, how do we hit the mute button on that negative voice, so we can replace it with a compassionate, positive, and encouraging voice?

Research says that we literally have to work harder to see situations in a positive light.

As Bharti and I began our coaching engagement, we discussed personal growth strategies that could change her inner voice. Here are three?ideas that we discussed that worked for her?

• Talking to a friend - she reviewed her list of friends and identified one that she felt she could trust implicitly. They agreed that each would be the other’s sounding board and they would talk Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 8 AM during their commute to work without fail. Each would listen and restate the inner negative monologue in an objective positive light.

For example, Bharti’s mind voice after her mother’s hospital visit would change to, “Missing one routine doctor’s visit with your mother makes me just a woman juggling multiple responsibilities. And it was her son-in-law taking her, just as caring a gesture as I being there myself”.

After two months of these chats, Bharti says she feels herself emerging from a dark, claustrophobic tunnel and that she is able to breathe better. like she is letting go of the self-blame and self-doubt. She feels After all, as psychologist Havelock Ellis says,

“All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.”

Talking to yourself doesn’t seem to help as much. The act of articulating it aloud helps to tell the story and often makes you view it objectively.?

Bharti says she finds herself nodding to herself even as her friend starts speaking.

• One evening, Bharti attended an event that I was speaking at. As an ice-breaker, I asked volunteers in? the audience to talk for one minute each about something good that happened to them that day. She said the mood in the room went for being quiet to being ‘infectiously bubbly’, and she herself felt more positive and cheerful.?

Since then, she and her husband ask each other “what good thing happened today?” at dinner everyday. They’ve shortened it to WGTHT as a WhatsApp message when one of them is travelling.

Ask yourself WGTHT and you’ll feel your mouth stretching into a smile automatically and unconsciously.

Remember, the mind cannot hold contradictory thoughts simultaneously.?

If you’re remembering a pleasant experience, the inner critic is silenced

If you can mute it for a short while, then you can turn it off for longer. When you do it with another person, the number of good things doubles and the voice is silent for a longer while.

• Bharti has started maintaining a gratitude journal. I know it sounds hokey, but it is just another thing along the lines of WGTHT. She writes down three things that she is grateful for in a little notebook - she says putting pen to paper makes it more concrete for her. It takes maybe 5 minutes and leaves her feeling happier.

Each of these techniques is portable. If it works for you on the personal level, it can work at the professional level as well.

So start the morning team meeting with “What Good Thing Happened Yesterday?”

Wrap up the day with three things you’re grateful for on the work front.

Conclusion

Neuroscience research shows that the brain can rewire itself, with practice, over time. Let us break those negative thought patterns.?

We don’t have to be stuck with that negative voice in our head running us down. Let us transform the inner dialogue and replace it with one that is peasant, and appreciative. One that gives us credit for our accomplishments and achievements and gives us a thank you or well-done from time-to-time.?

Let us show gratitude to ourselves while we remain grateful for the good things in our life. Let us practise self-acceptance.

Try out these methods. Break those self-limiting beliefs!?

If any of these techniques work for you, please leave a comment here. If they’ve made a difference to you personally or professionally, do share your story in the comments. Many others will take heart and silence their inner critics to soar to success. If you’ve found another technique that works for you, please do share it here.

Rajani Seshadri is the cofounder of indePenn, a company that brings women with college education back to work. indePenn provides learning, coaching, confidence building and upskilling guidance to its members to return to the workforce.?

She works with companies and industry bodies to retain and grow women in their workforce and advises on gender parity policies.?

As an executive coach, she helps leaders transform their careers. All coaching stories used in her posts are shared with the permission of the client. They are carefully anonymised and she doesn’t @ mention them anywhere.