Silence is a Superpower

So many of us want to know the right thing to say. The right way to say it. We often forget that silence is an option.

It is a common mindset we have: we want to add instead of subtract. Yet there is power in subtraction.?

Although we struggle to take action on things we know are important, like applying for a promotion, finally sharing our ideas on LinkedIn, or reaching out to an admired mentor, we tend to take too much action in ways that hurt us.?

We avoid things that are good for us with procrastination and overthinking.?

But we do things that aren't good for us by being impulsive.?

That's why I think it can be so helpful to create rules for communication that help you pause before you say something you regret.?

When it comes to communication, there is a fine balance between saying enough and saying too much. Although some of you are not saying nearly enough, many of you are saying too much.?

So this is for those of us who speak more impulsively (myself included) and could benefit from a moment of pause.?

7 Rules for Silence

1. Be silent if you are blind to your faults in the moment

2. Be silent if you feel too emotional (angry, tired)

3. Be silent if you are about to say something hurtful that you can be said in a less hurtful way

4. Be silent if your words will jeopardize the relationship

5. Be silent if you can't talk without yelling

6. Be silent when you have the urge to brag?

7. Be silent if you are using the other person to manage feelings (reassure me that I don't need to be anxious about our relationship)

As you see in many of these, we are using the other person to regulate our own emotions. And oftentimes, this is the basis of all communication that isn't helpful.?

?We want people to reassure us, to carry our negative emotions, to make us feel differently than we do.?

So we use communication to influence another person to make us feel better. To feel secure, accomplished, to feel less stressed.?

The problem with this is that it is a short term strategy that is strategically fraught.?

We cannot yell, blame, brag our way into success.?

Silence will allow you to start seeing your own role in the problem instead of projecting on others.?

It won't feel great but it will allow you to grow and act in a way that is best for your future self.?

So next time you encounter a situation like one of the seven listed above. You don't need to stay silent forever, but take an hour, maybe a day and ask yourself "what am I trying to avoid by engaging in communication?"?

Oftentimes the answer is taking accountability and at the same time feeling a difficult emotion like fear and/or sadness.?

Yet, only in taking accountability and feeling the difficult emotions can we truly grow.?