The Silence of Our Friends

Fannie told us to wave the banner high whenever there was a lynching.

Audre told us to speak up about our pain or we’d be buried alive and told we liked it.

Martin told us that what we'd remember were not the actions of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. He was right.

OWG's clients are some of the most powerful white men in the education reform business. Some of them run consulting firms or foundations, others CMOs and others growing or large non-profits. Some of them are my friends. 

I'm confused. And when I am confused, I ask questions. Here are my questions to you: Where are you as millions of hearts continue to break and parents clutch their children, husbands, brothers, uncles and friends HARD with fear in their hearts and desperation in their eyes in New Orleans, Baton Rouge, DC, New York, St. Louis, Oakland, Birmingham, Denver, Philly, Houston, Chicago, Boston, Madison, Minneapolis and the list goes on?

• Please tell me what line #Kalif Browder could have walked in that would have been straight enough or silent enough to prevent him from being sent to hell for 3 years without the hope of trial only to die from the destruction done to his spirit.
• Please tell me what common core standard would have saved #EricGarner from trying to breathe at the hands of the police.
• Please tell me how perfect the behavior of a black girl has to be before #BostonLatin thinks a white boy's threat of lynching is to be taken seriously. 
• Please tell me how high my brother Chuma's law school GPA would have to be to ensure that white police officers in Madison did not harass him for simply sitting with his white friends.
• Please tell me how many Ivy League schools my husband would have needed to attend before a cab driver decides that dropping him off in the middle of nowhere because he didn’t feel safe would not be wise.
• Please tell me how many night shifts an immigrant mom of six would have had to work before the police stopped trailing her all the way to our all white neighborhood. 
• Please tell me how white #Genele Laird's skin would have had to be for police to think that body slamming, tasing and putting a bag over the head of a teenage girl of 100 pounds wasn't just unacceptable but inconceivable. 

Some of you have reached out and asked what you can do. Here's what you can stop doing, start doing and keep doing. 

STOP

• Telling us when and how to protest. Stop telling us how to feel or, as one colleague did, when, precisely, you’d like to talk about racism (she told me not to talk about race in her home) and when you'd like a “break.” I remember when I was writing an article for work and a colleague said, “Well, you probably don't want to be that free.” Well, as a matter of fact, yes I do. Yes, I do want to be that free. You do not tell someone who is drowning, “Well, gee if you'd just wave your hands like this or not take in so much water or you know, just stop talking about drowning -- all our lives matter after all -- maybe you'd stop drowning.” To quote my new hero, Jessie Williams, “If you have no interest in equal rights for Black people, then do not make suggestions to people who do. Sit down.” 
• Making excuses. Stop telling me that the solution to #KalifBrowder's murder is to teach boys like him how not to steal backpacks the same way white girls have been stealing jewelry from JC Penny's since I was 12. Stop telling me that the solution to Sandra Bland's murder is to teach Black women how to speak to police officers politely, but not the hundreds of white girls on UW Madison's campus who routinely throw up on, curse at, run away from and threaten cops with lawsuits from lawyer moms and rich dads. Stop telling me that the solution to #EricGardner's and #AltonSterling's murders is to teach Black men to stop selling illegal things, but not teach cops how to de-escalate as they've been able to do with assassins like Dylann Roof who have the audacity to plead not guilty to the murder of 9 African Americans. Stop telling us that the solution to 12-year old #TamirRice's drive by murder by the men in blue is for moms to teach their kids about fake gun safety, not how to teach professionals -- paid with our taxpayer dollars -- how not to murder our children as they scream, “It's not real.” If you’re not careful, you’ll be telling me that the solution to Langston’s teacher telling me that she treats him like he is twice his age is for him to just be shorter and of course, less Black. As Jessie said, “Stop with all of that.”
• Looking away. From one mom to the many white moms who are “in the work” -- stop looking away. Stop letting your discomfort or imagined embarrassment stop you from doing what you would want your children to do if they saw a bully on the playground. Silence isn’t neutral.

 START

• Being the Good Samaritan. Instead of asking what will happen to you if you speak up, ask yourself what will continue to happen if you don’t?
• Being a Shield. Use your voice and your body and yes, your privilege as a shield. Wait when you see a young kid getting stopped by the police. Ask a police officer what is happening and why. There is little evidence that any harm will come to you if you interrupt the status quo, but much evidence that harm will come to a person of color if you do not. 
• Speaking with your colleagues of color and acknowledge their humanity. Imagine if the police were openly killing anyone who was blonde and your black colleagues said NOTHING as the slaughter was being televised. 

KEEP

• Donating to orgs like the Color of Change or Showing Up for Racial Justice (community of white leaders taking action). Donate to the Alton Sterling’s Fund, Philando Castile's Fund or the any number of funds for people who have fallen at the hands of a broken criminal justice system. 
• Being like Maxine Clark who sent me a note to tell me that she stands with us and that she's disgusted too. Be like Amber Jirschele who stood up to a drunk person harassing a Muslim family. Be like JW Carpenter who sent me a text this morning to let me know he was thinking of me. Be like my law school colleague Anne Fredrickson who spoke up about her own bias as a public defender. Be like Chris Davis who reached out to ask what he could do. 
• Asking why. Keep talking to other non-black and brown colleagues and family members. And then, sign up to be a part of Campaign Zero to learn how to combat police violence.

If history has taught us anything it is that fear, hopelessness and shame are the meals on which violence and oppression feast.

When my children ask me where I was, with whom I stood and what I did during this time to create a new world order, I need to have an answer I can be proud of. Do you?   

Let’s be the people who ended this – not some day – but in our lifetime.