Silence – the most important part of every conversation

Communication is invariably one of the most basic activities that we all engage in and perhaps one of the most significant ones. A lot has been said and written about the different types of communications, the dos and don’ts, the importance of communication, etc. However in my mind, one of the most important and underutilized aspect of communication is silence.

My earliest encounter with silence came at home during my early formative years without much of a realization. My maternal grandfather was a man of prominent gait and very few words.  Most of my memories of him revolve around people from all walks of life reaching out to him for his consult on a variety of matters. It stuck me that he allowed people to talk through things, never interrupting anyone. As odd as it was, he never offered any solutions, all he did was ask questions and follow it up with silence! A few years later, he explained to me – people have the answers they are looking for, I just give them the space to think it through!

My next encounter was not as comfortable. Some two decades ago, very early on in my career while working for a major financial institution, I had a very interesting experience.  My immediate supervisor was a very knowledgeable individual whom I respected a lot. As much as I enjoyed my role and working as part of his team, my 1:1 with him were something that left me quite puzzled. The flow was something like – he asked me how I was doing, I responded briefly that I was well and then provided an update of what I was doing, how the project was going, what help if any I needed from him, what I needed him to be aware ,etc. Invariably after a few minutes, I would run out of things to say. While I was hoping for some questions from him, I never got any. All I got was silence. This was a face to face conversation and he had the kindest of expressions, but he never said a word after the initial greeting. The silence was deafening and in my awkwardness to fill the vacuum, I would invariably start mumbling things, often airing my fears of things I think might go wrong, about people, processes, etc. He just sat there and absorbed everything I said. Often I walked away from these 1:1 feeling that I had not done too well for myself with all the mumbling. It took me a while to understand how he was able to get to the root of things by allowing me the space to speak and using the power of awkward silence to do the talking for him. While I may not necessarily agree with his method of conducting 1:1, I had definitely experienced first-hand the impact silence has on a conversation.

Today we are all rushed. More often than not we have too much on our plate, most of us are juggling multiple things, it’s not uncommon to find people completing sentences or thoughts for others just so that we can move on to the next topic at hand. In such situations – it is imperative that we recognize the situation and use the most powerful tool of communication AWKWARD SILENCE. Injecting silence appropriately in conversations as well as facilitated discussions requires a fair degree of emotional intelligence. When used strategically, it can be used to generate breakthroughs, break deadlocks. It allows people to process the information that they have just received, gather their thoughts, and maybe even think through their responses before actually responding. People in sales often use silence to negotiate better deals.

With this powerful tool in my toolkit, I usually pre-plan appropriate slots where I will use silence to stimulate the conversation, draw attention of the participants and even break deadlocks. A healthy sprinkling of four-second awkward silence helps me set up to better achieve my desired outcomes. One of the best ways to inject silence is to say “I will take a pause”. This allows everybody to be on the same page.

Using silence in conversations requires discipline and can be uncomfortable at start. However like every other skill, with practice it can be mastered. I would like to invite all of you to use the power of awkward silence to your advantage and let me know your experiences.