Silence Isn't Deafening, Silence Is Defining

In writing people talk about reading between the lines. I think talking "reading between the lines" is when we ask a question and silently wait and listen for a response. Silence is one of the most challenging tasks that a leader has to take on.

But great leadership requires shutting your mouth. In a previous post, I wrote about asking the AWE question and in another post, I wrote about a listening challenge. To get a little more background on this post, take some time to read the other two.

Silence Isn't Deafening

Silence isn't deafening, silence is defining. Your leadership is more defined by your ability to listen than by your ability to talk and always have the answer. Listen to the needs of those you lead, listen to the needs of customers, listen to the input of others, etc.

But not all silence and listening is the same.

One of the hardest tasks we have as humans is to get our minds to rest and be quiet as we listen to others speak. To not prepare an answer as the other person is speaking. Instead to attentively listen and reflect on what is being said.

Do you remember the last time you had to focus on what someone was saying but your mind kept wandering to solutions, a different situation, or the fact that you were starving?

In this post, I want to work with you to come up with some simple ways to quiet your mind so you can truly listen.

Silence Isn't Just Shutting Up It's Engaging

It's true we do need to be quiet when we listen to other people but that doesn't stop with our mouths. The next time you're in a conversation with someone, I want to challenge you to observe your own thinking.

What are you thinking about while your friend is talking? Is your mind blank? Are you thinking about your response? After you do this, the simple ways I've listed below will become even more helpful and effective.

Three Simple Ways To Improve Your Listening

1. Here's an obvious place to start (but really hard for me), just talk less. I shoot for 30% talk and 70% listening in everyday conversations and 20% talk to 80% listening with coaching conversations. If these percentages seem challenging, that's okay but you (like me) probably need to work on talking less.
2. Start conversations with a question instead of a monologue. One of the easiest ways to improve your listening skills and become comfortable in silence is to ask questions. But don't just ask a question for the sake of it. Also, you don't have to be the one that starts the conversation, sets the direction of it, or ends it either.
3. Try to find something in common. I love the challenge of finding something we have in common or I am curious about and then diving into what they know about the subject with a bunch of curious questions. In other words, get curious about the person you are talking to.

I have a few other ideas, but I want to hear yours. How do you practically practice silence and being a great listener? Please comment below.

Listening As A Defining Characteristic Of Leadership

Earlier I mentioned that silence isn't deafening it's defining. I want to explain what I mean. When a leader listens, his employees or followers are empowered. When a leader listens she can begin to empathize with those she is leading.

Silence and listening doesn't necessarily equal weakness or not having an answer. Too many people struggle to see that advice-giving or problem-solving isn't what most people want when they start talking to you. People want to be listened to. Especially in face to face contexts!

Silence and listening mean a leader is humble enough to know he may not have all the answers and believes the person they are talking to is smart enough to figure it out but just wants some guidance (i.e. questions) and support (i.e. to be listened to).

Do you know a leader that is defined by his ability to listen and empathize? Do you know a leader who is humble enough to admit she doesn't have all the answers or may not have the right ones?

I don't know about you, but I would want to follow a leader that allows listening to be a defining characteristic of their leadership. If you want your leadership or your relationships to be defined by how great of a listener you are, it starts with asking powerful questions.

Questions To Help You Improve Your Listening

The key to great listening is by asking great questions. We all know this but I have a couple of questions for you. Do you ask questions to move people in the direction you want? Do you ask questions to get the information you need? Or... Do you ask questions to pull out from the person what THEY need?

Here are some examples.

Have you considered talking to Sarah about the problem? vs. Who can you talk to that could help solve the problem?

What bank are you going to talk to for a loan? vs. What ways can you fund this project?

I would do it this way. What do you think? vs. What approach do you think is best?

Great Questions You Can Ask To Create Powerful Listening Opportunities

• What progress did you make since our last conversation?
• What aspect of that problem do you want to focus on now?
• What do you mean by...?
• What else to do you feel or think about this?
• How can you measure or observe that?
• What other options have you considered?
• What if money weren't an issue?
• What role is company culture playing in this situation?
• What would achieving that do for you? For others?
• What actions can you take to move forward?
• What could you do differently?

Obviously, we could go on like this for a long time. The important thing is having powerful questions available to you when you need to listen. Too many of us think when there is a problem to solve we need to provide advice and answers.

Instead, what if we saw the problem as an opportunity to ask questions and empower other people to solve their own problems? What would that do for your leadership? Your organization?

In your listening, if you focus on sprinkling in more what questions and some who questions people will feel genuinely listened to. Instead of responding with advice-giving and veiled questions to get at your agenda.

Where Do You Rank?

Think about how much time you spend listening vs. talking. Now think about how good you are at deploying the skills of silence, asking great questions, and being present.

Take the time today to rate yourself on a 1-10 scale of how good of a listener you are. It may be different depending on the situation so do this a couple of times today. After an extended conversation (5-10+ minutes) sit down and quickly rate yourself. You can ask a couple of the questions below.

• What was I experiencing as I spoke to this person?
• Was I distracted at any point in the conversation?
• Did I have to fight off an urge to give advice?
• Who talked more? Me or them?

I'd love to hear your comments below on being a better listener and how you would rate yourself. I'd give myself a 7-8 depending on the situation.

If you are interested in learning more about your communication style and improve your listening skills, click here to sign up for a Leadership Assessment.