The significance of snow...

This was the 2nd blog I wrote 5 years ago in February 2019. The photo had been taken a month before Harry died. It was his last time to experience snow and one of my most memorable moments of being Mummy to Jessica & Harry x

February 2019 A Snapshot in Time

When photographs like this pop up on social media, it's like someone is forcing me to look back! It's not a conscious decision like pulling out a box of old family photos. I log into my profile and there it is in my Facebook memories feed. I'm torn between looking or turning away.

I can't not look though,.

I know that looking is going to hurt and knock the scar that has built up over time, layer on layer, year on year. I feel the bubbles in the pit of my stomach, and the feelings flood back. I would often wonder 'am I a good mum?' it sends a wash of guilt over me because when I see the mum I once was, not only do I feel cheated, for me and Harry, I also feel that my boys and my now teenage daughter, have been cheated out of 'that' Mum!!

We spent hours making that igloo. The kids buzzing around me and Nanny as we built it up just enough for 2 little 5-year-old bodies to fit inside. They run so fast back to Nanny's to gloat to Daddy that we had succeeded against his doubts, while he sat in the lovely warm, drinking his tea. I don't remember hating the snow back then, I don't remember the cold or wet, I don't even remember feeling the same excitement the kids did that we had made an igloo BUT I know I did feel that same excitement.

Grief has taken those feelings away, now all I can think of is that Harry would never feel the snow again....and I will always question where that Mum went, who she was and who I am....This snapshot in time, creates waves of other 'snow' memories. The twins were 7 months old when they experienced snow for the first time. We took them out in it with their snow suits on, blue velour, pink velour, thick and cosy, laying on the soft bed of snow. Snap, snap. Pictures back then were taken with cameras. This frustrates me in some ways because I don't want to think about where I've put them; in a cupboard? In a box? Mixed with a million others. I haven't got the energy to look through them all, just to see that one picture. This is the love/hate relationship I have with technology. Instant access would satisfy my need right here and now.

10 years on and we get snow at almost the same time! I hear the reports and dread the thought. I annoy myself that I'm not interested and am secretly hoping it doesn't come. It hadn't started when I went to bed at midnight yet when I wake, I can sense the fresh white flakes pushing their glimmer through the windows. You can't beat seeing the untouched snow settled like a freshly washed cotton blanket over everything it touches. There is something so beautiful about the quiet calm it brings. For a moment I appreciate it and know the boys will burst with excitement the moment they wake I and try my hardest to push away the pain that threatens to sap my energy.

May 2024 reflection

Wow, this brings me to a very special moment in time that has a huge snow reference. I wrote about it last year (2023) and have copied it below.

"Receiving my award (MBE) during the month of Harry’s Anniversary feels particularly poignant but the coincidences of the day did not stop there.

As I woke at 6am, the light streaming through the window felt brighter somehow, clearer, and as I looked beyond the paned glass, I could see why: it was snowing! Despite apprehension as to whether this would upset our travel plans, I was transported back to 14 years ago to a memory of my son Harry, making snow angels. Him shouting “look at me, Jess, Jess, look at me !! I’m making a snow angel! It’s a snow Angel” as he lay criss-crossing his arms and legs through the snow. Little did I know at that time, this would be the last taken video footage of Harry, and the last time he would get the chance to play in the snow.

The journey to Windsor wasn’t too bad considering, and though he was a confident navigator, Lee decided to follow google maps, just in case of setbacks. The twists and turns we were being taken on weren’t dissimilar to a journey of grief, with some very unfamiliar roads, then we soon realised that we had approached the junction, leading to the old offices of the bereavement charity we had travelled to regularly after Harry’s death, in 2009. We would typically go early on a Saturday morning, a minimum of an hour’s drive away, to access the combined family support they provided.

We reached Windsor in plenty of time to find a coffee shop, where we sat and had a light breakfast, trying our best not to spill coffee or crumbs, before driving up the long walk to the magnificent castle. As we neared, snow drifted with urgency around our car and it felt as though we had been transported to Narnia (with the exception of many a uniformed police officer).

Inside the castle was incredible, and the children were fascinated with the incredible art and décor. The palace staff were so friendly and welcoming, each one directing us to our destination and sharing interesting details. One told us that the room I was to be invested in by The Princess Royal was adorned in 22ct gold walls and ceilings, built in King George 4th’s reign.

Princess Anne opened the conversation with her acknowledgement that there was a lack of services in Milton Keynes before Harry’s Rainbow existed, and we talked about the importance of memory boxes for bereaved children. She asked about the facilitated support we provide and was impressed with how many groups we hold for our beneficiaries.

Despite having known about being a recipient of an MBE since last April, the past year has been a whirlwind of emotions and I’m not quite sure I’ve processed or accepted the magnitude of the honour. It’s been incredible time for and I am incredibly grateful for this experience of a lifetime."

Thank you for reading my blog. I will release them bi-weekly am am happy to hear your thoughts and comments.

Odette x