The side of high functioning anxiety not everyone sees

I’ve known for such a long time that my mental health illness, emotionally unstable personality disorder means I work well, maybe even best, under pressure. But that doesn’t mean it’s good for me. However I have a tendency to see better results in my business and life when I do more than the average person would do. I’ll do long hours for days, weeks or months at a time. I wish this meant things became ineffective, but they don’t. Time and time again these occasions prove that situations around me improve. I see better results in work, I see more people, I nail a little more of the parenting world, I remember more events or birthdays and as soon as I realise I’m doing it, it can feel too late… and then I wait. And so do those around me who recognise it too. They wait for the crash.

The crashes I experience now are nothing like what I used to go through. Back before my treatment, a crash would mean not leaving my bed or house, not talking to anyone, not working or socialising, not washing or looking after myself, basically just sleeping so I didn’t have to think or feel or even try.

A crash now often a means I cut things out of my time. Not good or bad tasks or people, just everything. Sometimes for a short while, sometimes a long while. I have to push back from everything and do the non negoiorablea for my business and the rest of my time is took practicing the therapy and skills I have learnt and time with family and friends. It’s not forever but it can be for weeks or months.

I’m going through one of these times right now. I used to try and explain it to everyone but each time I did I felt guilty and I’d feel more anxious. I have now realised I don’t need to explain everything to everyone, every time. It’s not about doing minimums in life, it’s about doing the essentials and making sure that the time I focus on work is efficiently spent.

Some periods of my year are perfect for chatting and catching up, and there’s other times like now l, that I work and all my extra time is just saved for my husband and kids. I protect my energy and time. And therefore I protect me.

I still worry about what people think of me or my reluctance to book onto a quick catch up or additional zoom, but I have learnt to know what’s best for me at these times.

This is just a little reminder to those of you who will put others first because you’re kind, and you care what they think. You’ll spend time on people and things that are less important that your family or well-being to be the best you can … you can say not right now, later…you can take a break and you can say no. Choose well-being, choose health and choose your priorities over others. Be kind to you too

Sarah x