Siblings: Our Favorite Enemies!?

Siblings: Our Favorite Enemies!?

Have you ever heard the joke "I am crying because I am your sister/brother, but I am also laughing because you cannot do anything about it?" Well, this joke could be a perfect description of many sibling relationships. While friendships might come and go, sibling dynamics are something we are stuck into almost forever. *cries in a corner*.

These relationships are easily the longest relationship you will be in throughout your life. You are born and raised in the same family, you have the same parent(s), share many common growing-up memories, have the same cousins, and also have the same "favorite" relatives. You are the two sides of the same coin.

You know that you are a product of your parents and your personality is a mix of the two. The current trend of throwing light on toxic parenting and families has taken the internet by storm. Individuals are now openly talking about the struggles they have had to face with their parents. But does the sibling dynamic influence individual personalities too?

When asked Shawn Whiteman, Ph.D. (professor of Human Development and Family Studies at Utah State University), suggested that “The sibling relationship has the ability to uniquely shape a child’s behavior, adjustment, and well-being, for better and worse. On one hand, siblings support and learn from one another. On the other, they compete for parental attention. Brothers and sisters do affect each other directly and indirectly". Here is our answer, they might just be our favorite enemies.

Through your experience, be it in your family or that of your close ones, you have always observed that sibling relationships are not always clear-cut and are often difficult to navigate. You might find sibling relationships build on intense conflict while also finding sibling relationships whose basis is intense loyalty and love. You might have a sibling who helps and protects you against negative outcomes such as loneliness and depression. Alternatively, you might have a sibling that is the host of negative outcomes. Despite all these complexities of sibling relationships, researchers and psychologists have tried long and hard to study the impact siblings might have on each other and the entire family.

Siblings during developmental ages

Children respond differently when they have a sibling. Having a sibling is psychologically beneficial. Their reaction, however, differs with birth order. Researchers have always stood by the fact that young children who have older siblings tend to look at them as their first role models, first friends, first enemies, and also first confidants. Some younger siblings might adapt to the older siblings' mannerisms, social skills, and temperament, whereas some might decide to choose the opposite path depending on their interpretation of sibling experiences aka learning from their mistakes.

For older siblings, however, this experience might be quite different. Depending on the age of the older child when the younger sibling is born, their reaction to the new birth in the family might differ. Many times, the older child might regress.

For example, they might kick, scream, throw temper tantrums, or/and even bed wet. I mean, who wouldn't feel that way? Imagine your best friend giving all their attention to someone new. You'd want to scream and shout too right?

How to deal with this, you might think?

Behavioral experts suggest that acknowledging the feelings of your older child as well as including them in the matters of the younger child is of key importance in times like this.

1. Ask them if they need more attention,
2. ask for help to choose the clothes for their baby sister/brother
3. what the color of the room should be
4. the toys they need to buy for the younger one as well as what the elder child would like to have.
5. Encourage older children to talk about their feelings and conflicts and if they express any negative feelings, acknowledge that.

Making the elder child feel like they will always matter helps reduce their anger and fear of being dethroned. Set aside time with the older child or children; every child needs one-on-one time.?

What Is a healthy sibling dynamic?

Sibling relationships are just like every other relationship. They work best when both individuals appreciate the similarities between them and are also respectful of the differences that stand between them. A healthy dynamic would be when the bond is strong not only when everything is on track but also when challenges creep up and they have to find a way to navigate through their differences. Most siblings share the same social setting and family environment. Thus, if the bond is healthy, they act as one of the best support systems in times of distress.

Nowadays, in newspapers or in media outlets, we see ample stories of discord amongst families. These experiences can be traumatic for children in their developmental ages (not any less challenging for adults). In situations like this, siblings knowing and sharing the same experience can help each other overcome the distress and trauma and grow up to become healthy adults.

Sibling rivalry is normal

• ?Disputes between siblings are normal. The popular notion in our culture that families will always be your safe space, is a myth. The cherry harmonious families they show in movies are a made-up notion. Conflict can come in many forms, the American Psychological Association suggests that in America, 85 percent of siblings are verbally aggressive, 74 percent push and shove, and 40 percent are physically aggressive, which can include kicking, punching, and biting.
• Among adult siblings, studies show that roughly half speak to or see one another about once a month; the other half communicate less frequently or not at all, and they are more likely to engage in competition and rivalry.
• Even in our country where we value collectivism, we have always seen siblings arguing and being physically aggressive as well. It is usually passed in the name of "fun banter".

In your culture that idealizes the potential of loving sibling relationships and perfect families is far beyond the reality. We know that sibling rivalry is a concept that exists but we often hide it behind the curtain. The reality often falls short.

What causes sibling rivalry?

There are many factors that contribute to sibling rivalry:

• First and foremost, the main reason seen in most cases is when the elder child feels a sense of dethronement upon the arrival of the new baby. (S)he is no longer the center of attention in the family.
• The parent is unable to give an equal amount of attention to all their children. One might often feel neglected, while the parents might feel they are old enough to understand. Many kids do not verbally share this disappointment but their actions would provide ample hints for us to understand.
• Behaviorists also suggest that sometimes kids might be unaware of when they get hungry or bored. This might make them irritable as they are not aware of why they are feeling uneasy and might pick up a fight with their siblings to let out their frustration.
• "It is just a phase". Many researchers have been seen to agree with this phrase because they suggest that children go through these developmental stages where they are trying to establish their values, ideals, and morals, which might be messy for some.
• Young siblings, just like adults, have a personality of their own. They might be from the same family but they might have contrasting views about the same situation. This could create conflicts among themselves as their point of view might clash.
• Studies have shown that children that are constantly put in competition with their siblings, develop a bitter attitude toward each other. Comparing kids is like breathing in our culture. Our society compares siblings for the marks they receive, and their social skills topped by their physical appearances. Not only outsiders but immediate family is also guilty of this. This can be harmful not only to the relationship those siblings share but can also be harmful to their emotional and mental health.
• "Children observe". Often when there is a new child in the family and the parents have their hands full, it is easy to slip up and burst out in anger. Some children associate this behavior shift with the birth of their siblings seeding the feeling id dislike. Children might feel for their beloved parents and this could be a cause of why they shun their siblings.

How can one help kids get along?

• Let me put the most important one out there first, Don’t play favorites.
• Avoid comparison in any manner. Be it in school grades or in appearance. Celebrate every child's achievement as their own.
• Let each child be who they are.?Don't try to mold them into their siblings. Every individual has different strengths. Explore what it is for your child and work on cultivating them "for the child".
• Give time to all your children. One-on-one time is essential.
• Set your kids up to cooperate rather than compete. It is important to give them individual tasks and promote their individuality. But it is also essential to give them a combined task to improve bonds and to work on their communication.
• Teach your children positive words or phrases when they want to get attention from their parents. Show them what an acceptable way is to approach their siblings, and how to share their belongings and toys.
• Being fair is crucial, but it is not the same as being equal. Older and younger children may have different privileges due to their age, but if children understand that this inequality is because one child is older or has more responsibilities. Expect this and be prepared to explain the decisions you have made. Reassure your kids that you do your best to meet each of their unique needs.
• Plan family activities that are fun for everyone.?If your kids have good experiences together, it acts as a buffer when they come into conflict.?It’s easier to work it out with someone you share warm memories with.
• Make sure each child has enough time and space of their own.?Kids need chances to do their own thing, play with their own friends without their siblings, and have their space and property protected.

Sibling relationships, being our longest relationship, deserve the care and attention we give to other relationships. We take them for granted.

There are numerous ways to have healthy relationships with your siblings, but it is important to know that all dynamics are different. Put in the effort, treat them with respect, and maybe argue a little.

It can be a difficult road but there is always help available. If you are faced with any challenges that you feel you might not get past, communicate them with each other. If the resolution still feels far-fetched, visit us on our website www.transformhappily.com, or reach out to us on our toll-free number 1800-833-8747.

Let us all Together Transform, Happily!