Siblings

A man and woman fall in love.? Sometimes the experience is a magical sense of love at first sight.? Something in the brain of each person recognizes the other in a way that makes an immediate connection.? Sometimes the experience is a building of friendship over time that bursts into a deep loving connection.? Sometimes the connection is arranged and over time you ?learn to love and appreciate the other in deep ways.

This couple will inevitably decide to have a child.? Some couples will stop there and enjoy an only child.? Statistics say that 20% of the population are only children.? That means the rest of us grow up in a gaggle of other beings.? Eighty percent of us have siblings.?

The Brady Bunch image from the late sixties and early seventies shows a blended family with a combined 6 children,? three girls from the mother and three boys from the father.? Their process of blending together covers awkwardness, rivalries, coalescing and adventure.? They present the “ideal” showing that even strangers can come together and form bonds that lead to support, comradery, pleasure, and sustainability.?

In my work with families, I have rarely, if ever, found this scenario in real families.? Often the oldest sibling is not thrilled with the ones that follow.? Many times, the family favors one child over the others.? Sometimes a child has special needs that limit the resources available to others.? When the oldest is jealous, depending on the number that follows, the oldest may become a substitute parent in large families or a distant member in smaller families.?? Our siblings can be difficult.? Jealousies can be present.? Hierarchies are established.? Alienation and enmeshment can be present.? Unlike friendships, we do not get to choose our siblings.? When a parent favors one child over the others, the emotional cost is high for both the favored and the unfavored.? Parents rarely recognize the price that all the children pay for this special treatment.? Something in the history of the parent draws them to favor one child over the other.? When the family has a special needs child, all members are impacted.? Priorities must be honored leading to limited attention and concern for the other children.

We are made to be in community.? Our family of origin is our first community.? In this system we learn about our value, our place, our expectations and our possibilities.? Take a moment and place those four words at the top of a page, heading a column.? Value, Place, Expectations, Possibilities.?? Be honest with yourself and list what you learned in each category from your family of origin.? ??Now draw a big thick line across the page beneath your writing.? Look at those words again and write who you are today.