It used to be that you squabbled over whose turn it was to clean the dishes or rake the leaves. Now you are mature adults negotiating the care of your aging parents. But it may feel just like old times. All the old rivalries are revived as if they'd been frozen in time.
As author Francine Russo points out in?They're Your Parents, Too!, what's happening is that we hear the clock ticking on our parent's life. As Mom or Dad's time runs out, so does our chance of getting some particular kind of parental attention. Attention that would resolve some long-held, unconscious need. Perhaps it's a need to feel as important as another sibling. Or to feel forgiven. Or to feel capable.
When old issues such as these get scrambled into the process of negotiating a parent's care, the result can be a confusing tangle. Lots of emotion and little progress. And a lack of understanding about why the process is stumbling.
- Check in with yourself.?Are you overly engaged in caregiving out of the hope Mom will finally approve of you? Or perhaps you shy away from an active role because you expect everyone still sees you as "the baby." Recognize how your beliefs may affect your role in your parent's care and influence your response to your siblings.
- Don't blame your sibs.?If you are feeling that Mom or Dad overlooks you, you may be right. Your parent may, in fact, be unfair. This is not the fault of your siblings, however. Similarly, if you are the "favorite child," try not to abuse that privilege. Your parent may or may not be aware of the impact of their actions. And they may not be able to change. Instead, look for opportunities to join together with your siblings. As adults—perhaps parents yourselves—you may be able to acknowledge your parent's foibles. If you can communicate amongst yourselves, even make a joke of "Mom liked you best," you will be well on the way to a more sane and comfortable eldercare journey.
- Treat your siblings as adults.?If you don't operate according to old family patterns, your siblings are less likely to do so as well. Meet them as they are today. At a minimum, agree to put aside sibling issues to focus on the care of your parent.
- Call a family meeting. Use a "family meeting" forum for discussion and decision making. Consider hiring a facilitator if problems among siblings persist. An Aging Life Care? Manager?is trained to lead discussions in a way that enables everyone to have a chance to voice their concerns. Then together you generate a workable plan. A professional can save everyone time and regret. Especially in the context of a parent's failing health, you do not want to be wasting precious time in conflict.
- Review the advance directive. If your parent has prepared paperwork concerning end-of-life care and who will be their healthcare decision maker, find those documents now. As a family, each sibling should read it through. This represents your loved one's thinking at the time. If they are unable to communicate now to update it, assume this is what they want. Support the decision maker and honor your relative's wishes.
- Get support to move forward.?You may not ever receive the appreciation, love, forgiveness, or recognition you deserve from your parent. And your siblings may not budge from their old patterns. A support group for family caregivers can be very helpful in coming to terms with these realities. Hearing from others in a similar situation can make you feel less anxious or alone. Or consider individual counseling. A counselor can help you grieve and let go of the hope for a different kind of relationship with your parent or siblings. And of course, invest time in your own family-of-choice.
Do you find yourself at odds with your siblings?
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