Shut Up & Breathe: Six Techniques to Becoming a Better Listener

Speak the speech, I pray you, as I pronounced it to you, trippingly on the tongue...

Thus begins one of Hamlet's (and by extension Shakespeare's) most famous rants. Bill Shakespeare absolutely loved a good rant. We have that in common.

Receiving my degree in acting and directing from the University of Wisconsin-Madison provided me with access to some of the country's most renowned acting, directing, production management, speech and dialect, and design experts. While I am no longer pursuing dreams of artistic glory, I still use my theatre degree every day.

At the center of any great actor's performance is listening. So, as noted folk musician/child wrangler/favorite thing-haver Fraulein Maria would say: “Let’s start at the very beginning.” It is, after all, a very good place to start.

In this article we'll explore the power of listening and six basic things you can do to immediately become a better listener:

1. Be present, eliminate distractions
2. Keep a pen and notebook handy in conversation
3. Breathe
4. Shut the Fork Up, and Stop Interrupting
5. Imagine a Tennis Ball
6. Learn to Mind Map

*Before we begin, while there aren't really any hot takes please note the views and opinions expressed are solely my own. These views and opinions do not necessarily represent those of my employer.*

Let listening guide you

Comedian John Mulaney in his Kid Gorgeous at Radio City (2018) show describes a conversation he had with a friend, “Anyway… He was talking and I was waiting for him to be done so I could talk. So, he’s “talk, talk, talk.” It’s my turn next!”

How many people go into the office and experience this every day? Somebody else so wrapped up in their own brilliance, or waiting for you to finish, that they completely miss the opportunity to listen and react to you.

Our failure to listen effectively has even led to one of the most depressing statements any manager can be told by a team member, "When I speak to them, I don't feel heard." This also goes hand-in-hand with team members who don't feel seen.

I began my theatrical career, as so many do, as an actor - someone whose profession is to be both seen and heard. To the surprise of nobody who knows me, I am gifted with a superpower called Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) with an emphasis particularly on hyperactivity and impulsivity.

Acting became the perfect outlet for my kinetic energy, and while my impulsivity often led to my greatest discoveries because trying new things was a biological imperative, that same impulsivity and hyperactivity also presented me with some of my greatest challenges.

Constantly letting my brain run away, or thinking about the next crazy thing I was going to do frustrated my scene partners and limited my ability as a performer. I was simply unable to listen.

Listening gets you what you want

Every character has an objective, a thing they want to get out of the scene. Similarly, every interaction at work, consciously or unconsciously has an objective. We all want something; all the time, and we should avoid placing a value judgment on this fact.

What do we want? We want: to be heard, to learn new information, to get our boss to take action, etc. Businesses are just collections of people who want things from other people. Each day we use whatever means we have (influence, reporting relationships, bargaining, etc.) to get other people to go along with us. That’s okay! However, it is only through listening, through learning to quiet our own impulses, that we can understand our team members. Listening enables us to slow down, process, and then synthesize what we’ve heard and use it to get what we want, and help our teammates get what they want.

The great ones listen

Watch Denzel Washington in any scene he’s in and his face and body are completely still. The man is listening. He’s not just waiting to hear his cue so he can begin his next line. He’s processing what his scene partner is saying, and the way they are saying it, and balancing that with the objective his character has in the scene.

Intentional listening enables us to get what we want, but also so much more. Listening helps us anticipate when obtaining our objective is in jeopardy. A shift in tone, or rhythm can indicate agreement or disagreement. A drop in pitch can be a warning to steer clear of a topic. A whisper, even when it’s only the two of us in a Zoom call can tell me that something should be treated confidentially. The intentional listener picks up on these cues and then reacts and either plunges ahead, or tries something new.

How to listen more effectively

So, how do we listen in the workplace? It sounds absurd but so many of us are absolutely terrible at it. If we’re not interrupting then we’re taking the conversation where we want it to go instead of where our team member was headed. All of this leads to dysfunctional teams, ineffectual leaders, and lower employee engagement scores. It’s 2022 and our workforce doesn’t just want to be heard, they expect it. They require it. They demand it.

1.????Be present, eliminate distractions

Listening ends with distraction. If you cannot be present during a meeting, stop wasting everybody’s time. Instead, offer your apologies and reschedule. Speaking personally, eliminating distractions is maybe the hardest thing for me to do successfully.

Begin practically by taking your hands off the keyboard and letting team members see your hands at rest. You’re not a court stenographer. This is especially true in 1-1s with team members. If they can’t see your hands at rest, they can’t trust that you’re paying attention.

Shut your door, close your damn browser, turn off notifications, and stop looking at yourself in the little box in the corner. Microsoft Teams in particular has features in both their phone and browser to silence notifications when you are in a meeting. Take full advantage of them.

2.????Keep a pen and notebook handy in conversation

Put that keyboard DOWN! Pens are for listeners! Didn’t I just say to keep your hands off the keyboard? Yes, I did, and it applies to anything else that might be distracting you!

In my experience, typing distracts the mind far more than writing. Using pen and notebook we tend to write key words and ideas, rather than whole paragraphs.

Typing distracts the mind far more than writing. Using pen and notebook we tend to write key words and ideas, rather than whole paragraphs.

This technique allows you to remember something you wanted to say, and then return to it later while avoiding the John Mulaney scenario described above.

Highly-detailed note-taking is occasionally appropriate, especially for conversations requiring documentation for legal and other accountability purposes. However, it should rarely be our default unless that is the express role we’ve been asked to play in the conversation.

There is a technique called Mind Mapping I’ll endorse later on that combines active listening with note-taking. Mind Mapping is a different type of listening. It’s active and forward-moving, not retrospective. It can also be done using software, or just a pen and paper. Use it!

3.????Breathe.

In this series of articles, I will constantly reference the importance of breathing. Our power as listeners begins with breath. Breathing evenly slows our heartrate, dampening the manic energy that sends thoughts racing. Deep, even breaths send oxygen flowing to your brain thereby improving attention, reducing negativity, and reducing stress.

Deep, even breaths send oxygen flowing to your brain thereby improving attention, reducing negativity, and reducing stress.

However, short, shallow breaths lead to interruptions, perhaps the greatest obstacle to true listening. Take deep breaths throughout each interaction. You might even start calls and meetings with three deep breaths. Do this often enough and you not only train yourself, but also your team members to expect this and follow along.

Some might be reading this thinking it’s hippy-dippy nonsense. Try it for a day. Your team will thank you for it.

4.????Shut the Fork Up & Stop Interrupting

Seriously. Especially those of us with manager, director, or executive leadership responsibilities whose career trajectories have perhaps led them to a place where we think everyone else is expected to listen to us.

Stop. Talking.

Stop. Interrupting.

Start listening.

You're sitting a meeting with a peer or someone you manage. When was the last time the other person offered a reaction, question, or idea? If we can’t remember, we aren’t listening. Every moment spent talking is a moment not listening. Have something brilliant to say? Write it down, return to it. Have I made myself clear?

This is especially true of my fellow men. My guys, we have to stop interrupting. Man-terrupting is cliché, but that's because it continues to be endemic. I am as guilty as anyone, but I want to be better. My technique now is to take a breath and say, “Sorry, Jennie, I just interrupted you. Please finish what you were saying.” It’s that simple (except maybe replace "Jennie" with the actual name of the person, or don't and have some fun).

Additionally, shutting the fork up has the added benefit of demonstrating that you were, in fact, listening; and, that you value the thoughts of your team members. This simple expression of reasonable self-doubt can create deeper wells of trust that you will want to draw on later.

5.????Imagine a Tennis Ball

Weird, right? In the next meeting you have with 3 or more people (you can do this with 2 people as well), imagine the person speaking holds a bright green tennis ball in their hands. When they’re done speaking and people start responding, where does the ball go? Does that person pass it? Do they hold on to it? Is it forced out of their hands?

One of the great obstacles to creative collaboration is an abrupt ending to a streak of creativity through forced redirection or interruption. Be brave. Stop team members who steal the ball, or respectfully ask them to allow you to finish your thought. Hand that ball back so everyone can finish their thoughts.

6.????Learn to Mind Map

I adore Mind Mapping . I obsessively use XMind’s tool and there are a variety of other resources out there. Mind Mapping combines active listening with creative visualization and it is one of the best ways to enable active listening in a brainstorming session.

When brainstorming, it’s okay for the tennis ball to be tossed around, provided everyone is listening and playing as a team. Visual notetaking techniques beyond just “bullet point, bullet point, return, return, spacebar” can help team members listen and react when they see ideas re-organized. The Mind Map facilitator often has to be the most active listener in the room. It is an outstanding way to grow your own active listening abilities to the benefit of others.

If you’d like me to do a Mind Mapping session with you or your team feel free to message me!

Listen up!

I use my theatre degree every day. The corporate world has allowed me more opportunities than I ever thought possible to practice these skills. Chief among them, and the reason I am beginning this series with this topic, is listening.

Try the six simple things above today and be amazed at the difference in your interactions with team members, friends, family, and yourself.