Shushing the Inner Critic

Shushing the Inner Critic: by Karla Obernesser - LMHC & Cofounder: WeDO Relationships www.wedorelationships.com

Why do parents say the things they do? As a therapist, I have heard my clients tell me some of the horrible things their parents have said to them. Empathy avails herself quickly with a sudden gasp. As people process their parents’ words, they also, at the same time, are making up a story of why their parents spoke to them that way. Usually, its explanation does not flatter the client. In fact, it is very often the very worst version of the story of the truth.?

Why do we make up worst case scenarios to solve for?

The short answer is: our brains settle down once we can solve for something. If we are solving for too many unknowns, the brain shuts down. If we focus on one worst case scenario, our brain feels confident that anything lesser than the worst case will be able to be handled. For example, if I am going to an outdoor concert and the weather forecasts a slight chance of rain, I might solve for the worst case – I will bring my raincoat, a sweater, a blanket and maybe even a change of clothes. My brain might keep solving and urge me to pack the cool waterproof boots I just got – just in case it is muddy too. What if the night ends up being perfect – not a cloud in the sky and no need for even the jacket? Wasted worry and wasted effort. But if the worst weather happens, all will still be well. This is the cycle our minds might run through when processing feedback from a parent.

?When we become parents, we have experienced life a bit. We know things that our children have yet to experience. We dream of sharing our wisdom with our children so that they will have a better life than we did. We imagine that they will learn all that we have learned and then their own stuff too. All the pain that we have endured will help to improve the next generation. Often, when we try to share our wisdom, it comes out as judgment and criticism.

?The voice in our own head begins to try to take over and parent our children. The same voice that guided us, can bully its way into our parenting strategies, feeding worst case scenarios til the cows come home. Jumping to conclusions that forebode joy and stomp on the buzz and vitality of our own children’s journey.

I can remember this happening to me when I was a young mom. I had two daughters at the time, just 20 months apart and a newborn son. I learned fast that personality differences and birth order are the x factors that are difficult to solve for ahead of the game. As a parent of 3, you can assume you know what you’re doing, only to be corrected by your very small bosses. Olivia, my first born, was always following the rules. I often worried that she followed them too closely. It wasn’t until 2nd grade that she got into “trouble” at school and I was secretly relieved.

Then came Madeline – our fearless wanderer. She learned rules by breaking them. A typical scenario would be Olivia coming to ask me if it was OK if they jumped on the bed only to turn my head to see that Madeline was already fully enjoying a jump on the bed. If we went into a public restroom, Olivia would not touch the door, a wall or anything that might have germs. My inner critic parent coach was proud of how I had scared her into all of the worst-case scenarios.

My second born child, on the other hand, did not read the memo. I may have forgotten to share with her all of the fears my inner critic coach so generously shared with my first born. She touched everything in the bathroom. I remember vividly looking at my first born and saying, “It’s ok if you touch some things in here” while in the very next breath saying, “Madeline, DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING!” My inner critic coach had a difficult time with anything besides a “one size fits all” approach.

?When parents are under the most amount of stress is when the inner critic shines the most. The same force that has been wreaking havoc in your own head since the day you were born, really believes that the lessons you did not learn they would now teach your children through you. I couldn’t offer a better reason to go to therapy. When we notice our inner critic, we have a chance of not allowing it to boss us around and create the worst version of our parenting self. When we have awareness of the voice in our heads that helps to keep us on track, we have a better chance of shushing it too when it gets too bossy.

As an adult child, we can process the role that our parents’ inner critic played in our upbringing. The voice in their own heads that kept them on track may have become the intrusive and overbearing parent coach as stress was encountered. The inner critic parenting coach shatters the dreams of many well-intentioned parents who otherwise could have been the (almost) perfect parent.

The inner critic parenting coach leads with fear and worst-case scenario thinking. Left “unshushed” the inner critic can ruin relationships. When parents realize that they have an ability to shush the inner critic, they allow their best self as a parent to connect with their child. Instead of stating the obvious, a parent in their best version, might offer comfort and support.

When a child falls and skins their knee, the inner critic might quickly remind the child they shouldn’t have been running. The parent in their best version might first tend to the wound, comfort their child, be with the child in pain. This requires a shushing of their inner critic parent coach. As the child’s emotions settle, the aware parent has a better opportunity to guide the child in understanding the dangers of what caused the fall.

Learning how to tame our inner critic is a helpful tool in fostering relationships with our children – toddlers, teens, and fully grown. When we remember that our child’s experience is a better teacher than our own inner critic’s memory and fear, we have a better chance at maintaining a healthy relationship with our children. When we can be a partner on our child’s journey of learning about life, we can share our wisdom. When we shush the inner critic, we can connect before we correct and reclaim the role of parent to our children.

If you want to hear Karla and Richard discuss this topic on their podcast - please click the following link to WeDO Relationships - The podcast and listen on your favorite streaming service.

Karla is a professional therapist, coach, retreat master, podcaster and business owner. She co-founded WeDO Relationships to provide an online platform to?foster life-giving relationships that withstand adversity. She has been married for 35 years and she and her husband have four children.?www.wedorelationships.com?&?www.counselingwithkarla.com