shrinking your circle
Justin Castelli, RLP?, CFP?
aligning your finances with your authentic life, founder RLS Wealth, co-founder of The AGC? and founder of PRST?
Dunbar’s Number suggests we can only maintain relationships with up to 150 people.
Over the years, thanks to social media, I’ve built up an extensive network of tremendous people I am lucky to consider friends. When I first started getting active on Twitter and LinkedIn back in 2015, I never would have imagined that I would have the opportunity to meet the people I have met over the last ten years, let alone call so many of these people friends; mmy network continues to grow, especially as I venture out into new areas while exploring the authentic life and all things spirit, mind, body, and money, I continue to meet more and more amazing people.
I’m pretty sure when you factor in family, clients, friends, and professional acquaintances I have exceeded Dunbar’s number—in fact, I know I have.
Last week I told a couple of friends that I realized I needed to shrink my circle–reduce the number of people I’m giving my energy to. I don’t mean this negatively, but when I said this I had been reflecting on relationships that I felt I was grasping to hold onto; I felt in these relationships I was constantly giving energy and not receiving any in return. Meanwhile, there are plenty of people giving the same energy back, and maybe sometimes even more, that I should be spending even more time with. Or, I can reserve the energy I take back from those “forced” relationships for the next great person I am introduced to that is better aligned with the current version of my Self and I reciprocate that alignment.
While it might seem easy to let go of old relationships with the understanding that doesn’t mean those individual become enemies—I know whenever we see each other it’ll always be all love, but that quick moment will pass, and that is okay–but giving and not always receiving has been so good to me so far.
I don’t have the friendships, relationships, and even experiences without giving without expectations of anything in return for so many years.
So why shrink my circle if it’s been so good to me?
Well, I think one reason it was actually good for me to be frivolous with my energy was that I was in a stage of life where I was searching. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was seeking my purpose, my role in this world, and I needed to meet as many people as possible to learn what was possible—pouring into others allowed me to understand the their journeys, their obstacles, their dreams, and more about how I complement the world. I didn’t grow up in a bubble, but I only had the experience of a middle class kid in Indiana…so kind of a bubble.
It’s also time to shrink my circle because who I was when I began to build that circle is not who I am today; me ten years ago was not into meditation, spirituality, journaling, or connecting finances to our authentic Self. It might be that I’m shrinking my circle so that I can grow it again with more people who are better fit for the current version of me and me to the current version of them.
And finally, I noticed a bit of frustration of feeling like I’ve supported people and the support is no longer reciprocated—the weird thing is, I have never and will never support someone expecting to get support in return. It’s in my DNA to be a hype man and bring attention to others that I believe in; however, as relationships grow and evolve, it’s nice to get the same love in return. When I realized the frustration brewing, I decided I didn’t want to allow it to continue because I didn’t want the frustration to jade the relationship I once had with that person, and, more importantly, I have people who are supporting me, and I should be showing them more love
If you find your Self in a similar situation, I think it’s important to understand that letting someone fall out of your circle, especially if they are not reciprocating your energy, doesn’t mean you have to hate them or never talk to them again. It just means whatever energy you have been giving them, even if it’s mostly the energy of your thoughts, gets allocated to those who are reciprocating your energy, or even save it for someone new who will come into your life.
It’s also important to understand that you don’t become a jerk and closed off to people who reach out to you. You never know who the next person who will make a major impact in your life will be and you don’t want to miss that connection because you’re closed off.
This thought exercise also made me think about who I might not be returning an equal amount of energy to–I don’t want to be someone who is only receiving energy and love and not returning it to someone. I’ve spent time thinking through who I might be short-changing and maybe not realizing it so I can begin to meet their energy and keep them from getting frustrated with me.
It would be great to be close friends with everyone we meet forever. But the truth is, we don’t have the energy or capability to do that and be a good friend to all. Plus, not everyone will always be aligned with who we evolve into (and the same for us to others).
So when you realize a shift in the relationship, I think it’s best to allow it to continue to take its course and fade and reduce the risk of making future encounters confrontational or awkward because you kept trying to keep it alive and developed negative feelings towards that person.
A smaller circle with higher energy and love-filled relationships is better than a larger circle with weaker and one-sided relationships.
See you tomorrow and keep pursuing,
JC
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