Showing Vulnerability in Athletics

“I’ve been better…”

That was how Ilona Maher described her feelings following her performance last night on Dancing with the Stars.

I’ve already talked about Ilona, USA Rugby Olympic Bronze Medalist, on Dancing with the Stars this season, but something about her on last night’s episode caught my attention once again. This week, she was to perform the jive with her partner Alan Bersten to Quiet Riot’s “Cum On Feel the Noize” for the Hair Metal Night. Immediately after the dance ended, rather than running to give Alan a big hug, as she normally does, she turned away with tears welling up in her eyes. My friends and I, who watch the show consistently, recognized it was not her best week. Throughout the dance, she had some footwork and timing errors that overwhelmed her with frustration.

The judges were pretty harsh… Ilona and Alan received scores lower than in previous weeks. Regarding Ilona’s spunky and energetic attitude during the performance, Bruno Tonioli said, “I love wild and wonderful, and I love to embrace it. But I’m sorry, my darling, you went wrong so many times. I appreciate that, but this is a dance competition very well. Everyone has to be treated equally, and if you make mistakes, you have points deducted.” However, the judges were also complimentary of the work ethic she has while also praising her for showing vulnerability. Despite her mistakes, Carrie Ann Inaba applauded her emotions, saying, “I saw you get a little teared up. And I just want to say, like, as a woman, I like that because you’re so emotional. You’re so invested… That’s why everybody’s rooting for you. That’s why we love watching you.” Derek Hough bounced off Carrie Ann’s comments, reassuring Ilona that, “You’re a competitor. When things go wrong on the field, you sort of regroup and come back next week, and you come up strong. Just take this as a moment, to be like, ‘Hey, I was a little off time.’ I have no doubt [you’ll] come back and be fantastic.”

As the judges gave their critiques of the performance and encouragement to not give up after the mishaps, Ilona broke down even more, mainly because of her partner Alan’s dedication to her. When interviewed by host Julianne Hough, Ilona responded, “This was a really tough dance for me, and this whole week’s been really tough… And you do it so well in dress rehearsal, and then you come out and you mess it up. So it’s really hard… Alan’s so good and knows I can do well and then I just don’t.” Alan quickly jumped to her comments, saying she did amazing.?

Ilona’s reaction to her poor performance really resonated with me, especially as a former athlete. I am a crier… Always have been, always will be. When I would make a mistake in a game or couldn’t seem to master a skill in practice that I’d been working on, I would become very frustrated and want to break down. My dad would always get onto me… “Why are you crying? It doesn’t matter…” he would say. I would try my best to not let my emotions get the best of me, but I couldn’t seem to help it. “Don’t cry… Don’t cry… Don’t cry,” I would tell myself. There were so many practices and games that I would get in my car and let it all out once I was alone.?

Athletes are taught to keep their emotions to themselves and not show vulnerability, and if they do, to take advantage of it. When I played volleyball, one of our strategies was to target the player that was getting upset with themselves and not able to recover… You can easily tell from the other side of the net what is going inside the opponent’s head.?

However, after watching Ilona last night, it gave me a bit of a different perspective. Ilona is an Olympic athlete, the highest level of competition against the best in their craft, who just won a Bronze Medal in Rugby, one of the most aggressive sports there is, and she still got upset after she messed up. No matter how tough you are, there are still going to be things that frustrate you to your breaking point. No matter how much and hard you practice something, there is still a chance you mess it up. No matter what you tell yourself to try to hold your emotions in, your mind and body don’t care, and they will come out.

I believe this is something that really is contributing to the mental health crisis with athletes. Coaches and staff instruct athletes to not show vulnerability… It is a weakness that can be exploited. Therefore, athletes have so much pressure for perfection and to not make a single mistake. NOBODY is perfect… Not even Olympic athletes. Everybody makes mistakes. Showing your emotions is NORMAL! Everyone has them, and if we keep them balled up inside for nobody to see, we will have nobody to relate to and work through them with. If we keep everything to ourselves, we will feel so alone… like nobody understands. In reality, everyone experiences this, and if we work through it together, we can help so many mentally.