Showing vs. Telling: The Mark of True Friendship

Bakersfield is a tight-knit community and I’ve often marveled at the unique interconnectedness that makes ours a big city with a small-town feel. ?As we approach the one-year anniversary of my husband Darren’s death, I’ve never been more thankful to live among such supportive, caring, and connected people.?

The phrase “season of loss” accurately describes the past year for our family.? During this time, we also lost Darren’s mother and his father, and my special aunt.? One thing I know for certain is that my network of friends, some old and some new, helped keep me afloat during the most challenging times.?

After losing Darren, I was warned more than once that my couple-friends would likely begin to separate themselves from me because they would feel awkward or uncomfortable with my new state of being single.? I can’t express how thankful I am not to have experienced that added layer of pain to the “onion” that is grief.? In fact, not only did my closest friends come along side me and buoy me, several people who were not long-time or exceptionally close friends continue to reach out and support me with regular check-ins, invitations to coffee or lunch, and sometimes just an encouraging text message.? They demonstrated true friendship.

I’ve lived in Kern County my entire life, but you don’t have to be a lifelong resident to develop deep relationships with neighbors.? I’ve long heard comments like, “We’re 20 years into a two-year stint in Bakersfield.”? Many of our neighbors came here for a short-term career stop and decided they didn’t want to leave. ?

Rich and lasting friendships abound in Bakersfield and in our Seven Oaks neighborhoods.? For example, my neighborhood ladies’ bunco group was established 25 years ago and it’s still going strong!? ?After meeting neighbors Anna and Sylvia more than 20 years ago, they are still my morning walking and running pals.? This, of course, deepens our relationships as the early conversation is at least as beneficial as the exercise!?

Over the past year, my friends have demonstrated their love and support through subtle acts of care.? For me, it’s those regular and sometimes unexpected acts of kindness, rather than grand gestures, that deepen friendships.? Changing our “couples bunco” group name on Facebook to “friends and family bunco” is one example of friends showing me (not just telling me) that I’m still part of the gang…even after Darren died and I was no longer part of a couple.?

These special community connections are not new in Kern County.? Looking back through the generations, the people of this area were well-grounded and often came in search of opportunity and a better life. Many came as a result of the Dust Bowl, but my family came about a decade later.

Several years ago, I interviewed my late grandma and my dad and his siblings for a writing project.? I learned what life was like for them, growing up in Oklahoma, then Kern County.? Those family conversations helped me better understand my family’s history, and they also made it clear that long-lasting Kern County friendships are not unique to my generation.

Living among friends old and new makes the hard times bearable and the good times even better.? Writers are encouraged over and over to “show, don’t tell” as we put stories together.? As the one-year anniversary of Darren’s passing approaches, I am deeply thankful for the many friends and neighbors who have walked alongside our family, showing that they are here for us, rather than simply telling us.?