Showing Up

Most people don’t know that I spent several days a week, since January, holding my godmother’s hand in ICU, as her health declined. She is my second mom and took care of me since I was 6 months old. Last month she passed away. This is my first Mother’s Day without her. I miss her dearly.

Holding someone’s hand as they die takes the absolute stuffing out of you. It makes you want to be anywhere else and nowhere else, all at the same time.

I told a handful of people what I was going through, and even fewer at work.?

Why?

I didn’t know how to process what I was going through, let alone how to share it with others. I didn’t want anyone to treat me differently because I was getting the emotional crap kicked out of me every other day. But it was nothing compared to what she was going through with stage 5??kidney failure, pneumonia, necrosis and a failing heart. I sat next to my godmother’s hospital bed for months, holding her hand, reading Michelle Obama’s “Becoming” while she was in a coma and on a ventilator. I didn’t know how to talk about what I was going through…especially in a professional setting.

Work was my armor. Without it, I was the Earth spinning off its axis. Work made me feel normal, strong and it was a semblance of control. So I dove in, perhaps too much. There were so many meetings during which I turned my camera off to coordinate ambulances and authorize surgeries. In my mind, the fewer people who knew, the more I had something solid to hold on to.

My “why” felt right at the time but what it didn’t do was allow people to be there for me, nor did it allow me the space to process. I never gave myself the grace to not be present. I focused so much on showing up, that I never gave myself a break.

As I think about wellness and my mental health, I’ve learned a lot.?

Be true to yourself

My godmother taught me to be an example…so there is no world where I didn’t show up for the people who depended on me. So, I cried in toilet stalls at the office, put on concealer to cover up the mascara trail of tears that ran down my face and attended hundreds of meetings across the last three months without revealing the 90-day gauntlet through which we trespassed. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be vulnerable. I just didn’t know how else to hold it together for the people I cared about, other than to shield them from what I was going through. I did the best I could.

Allow people to show up for you

I had a tribe of people supporting me. From care baskets to bouquets of flowers to checking in on me and my well-being…my tribe showed up for me. People will surprise you. Let them. Grant them the opportunity to show up for you.

Create, take, and receive space

Having a safe space where you can lean into the grief, let out the pain and be not present is critical to maintaining well-being during difficult personal circumstances. Grant yourself the grace to embrace this space. It is ok to not be ok.

Why am I writing this? There is no handbook for knowing how to show up as a professional while going through something intensely personal. I hope my story helps someone else navigate their rough waters.

In Michelle's words, “your story is what you have, what you will always have. It is something to own.” This is the first Mother’s Day I couldn’t give my godmother flowers or send a card. This post and telling her story is the next best thing.