Showing Up

A few years ago, as I was preparing to send my oldest child off to university for the first time, I was spending a lot of time thinking about what he needed for school and living independently for the first extended time. Of course, there were the usual considerations, like clothing, personal hygiene items, adequate financial support, alarm clock, and other resources. But there was also the question about how to manage this new world of university, when high school had been so structured and supported. In high school, teachers check on homework. In university, not so much. In high school, teachers follow up with parents if the student is falling behind. In university, not at all. In high school, teachers come to your desk and make sure that you are understanding. In university, that's incredibly unlikely, especially in first-year lecture halls with so many students crammed in. It's an entirely new world, and I wanted to make sure my child was mentally and emotionally prepared.

We had spoken about some of the differences, and I had similar conversations with my younger child too when it was also his turn, but it's only recently, as I was cleaning up a pile of papers, that I came across a post-it note where I had scribbled down my late-night parental brilliance about how I hoped my kids would "show up", summarized in these 4 words: polite, punctual, performance, and pride.

Polite: be unfailingly polite in all of your interactions with other students, TAs, professors, staff, roommates, and everyone else who crosses your path. Be kind, be thoughtful, and be considerate. I know that this message continues to resonate, as my son just recently sent me an email that he wants to send to someone in a position of power, and asked me to read it over to ensure that it's conveying his message in the way he wants.

Punctual: not only be on time, but show up for everything. Yes, of course that means classes, but also clubs and other activities. Being at university is a world of opportunities and the ability to try new things. For my kids, that has meant sticking with some of the tried and true, but also new events and groups that they never would have considered before. It also means being a person of your word: if you say you will be there, then be there. And really be there, focused and intentional.

Performance: show up at your best, ready to perform. Most students notice that their grades dip - sometimes considerably - when they get to higher education. They were star performers in high school, and in university (or college), they are with other star performers and it's hard to compete. I wanted my kids to truly do their best. If that meant lower than typical grades, but they worked hard and sincerely to perform, then they could learn from that and move on. For one of my kids, that meant changing majors. Perfectly fine - a tough lesson, but better now than after years invested in a career that wasn't working for him.

Pride: be honestly and truly proud of your efforts and your results. Again, yes, in classes, but also in relationships, attempts, experiments, learning, and life lessons, including health and well-being. I'm certainly proud of my kids for how they continue to manage life's inevitable ups and downs. I hope they are too.

When I came across this post-it note now, years later, I didn't want to lose those four words, as they still resonated with me, and I hope they might encourage readers here as well. I wonder, what might you add? How else do you show up? How might you advise others to show up?

Thank you.