Show Me a Good Loser and I’ll Show You a Loser

I’ve never been a good loser. Ever. I’ve always HATED to lose. Whether it was playing board games as a kid with the family, running track in high school, or competing for employees and customers as a startup CEO, if I didn’t win, I didn’t feel good at all.  

There’s only one thing I hate more than losing, and that’s people who dribble on and on about how important it is to be a good loser — a good sport. Hogwash! We should banish the whole notion from our culture. 

My parents, my teachers, my coaches…they all taught the importance of being a good loser. I never bought it. Their admonitions seemed disingenuous at best; an outright lie at worst. They themselves never seemed to be very good losers when they lost. It wasn’t until I got into business and found good mentors that I learned that among truly successful people, there is no such thing as a good loser. In fact, I don’t know a single successful person who is a good loser. But I know a lot of losers. They all seem to be very good at it. 

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying it’s okay to be a bad loser, or a sore loser — where losing means throwing tantrums, treating the winners with disrespect, blaming others for the loss, or even disavowing the loss. People who behave that way when they lose aren’t sore losers, they’re assholes. The opposite of a good loser is not a bad loser. The opposite of a good loser is an unhappy loser – one who vehemently dislikes losing – especially in things that really matter.

It’s okay to be an unhappy loser as long as:

1. You respect the winners and give them their due;

2. You accept full responsibility for your loss;

3. You learn from it and figure out what went wrong — how you lost and what you need to do to avoid losing again.

4. You vow to win, practice more, do what’s necessary to win (fairly and legally), and only associate with people who are determined to win. 

Losing sucks. Don’t let anyone ever tell you it’s okay to lose. It’s not okay. Losing is a habit, just like winning is a habit. If you get comfortable with losing...if you start to justify it and begin to believe it’s okay to lose all the time... at everything you do...well, guess what? You become a perpetual loser.

When I was a kid I played pee wee football (what they call Pop Warner football these days). The first year I played we didn’t win one single game the entire season. Our coach taught us to be good sports...good losers. He believed in playing everyone on the team in any position they wanted to play. We all rotated through positions, never learning or getting good at any one position. “Just go out there and have fun,” he would say. “It’s not whether we win or lose, it’s how we play the game.” We were good sports!

I hated that team.

The next year I played for a different team and we won almost every single game. We were stars, we went to the regional championships. Our coach believed in winning...he demanded it! Losing was not an option. He would quote Vince Lombardi: 

“There is no room for second place. There is only one place and that is first place.” 

I didn’t get to play every game on that team, but I learned much more than I did on the team where I got to play every game. I learned what it was like to win. I sat the bench a lot because I wasn’t good enough to play the position I wanted to play. I got to play more as I settled on a position that suited me and that I eventually got really good at. 

I loved that team. 

We were winners. And by extension, I was a winner. I not only learned to be a winner as part of a winning team, I came to expect it in everything I did and everyone I hung out with. 

So, don’t tolerate losing....ever. Don’t tolerate it in yourself, your friends, your partners, your mate, your kids, or your employees. Losers attract losers. They give up. They make fun at everything because they can’t succeed at anything. 

This leads me to some of today’s Millennials. They were raised by well-meaning, but woefully wrong-headed Baby Boomers, who believed everyone should get a trophy – even when they lost. They perpetuated the myth of the good loser. Now we have a generation of crybabies entering the workforce who want everything to be fair, everyone to be a winner, and where losing is just fine. Please go work for my competitor!

If you steal my customers or my best employees, I will give you your due. I respect that, just don’t expect me to call you up and congratulate you. I will not be a good loser. I am planning to win – to put you out of business. I hope you will be a good loser.

Don’t be a good loser. Be a respectful, if not a gracious loser to the winners, but don’t be a happy loser. Dislike losing at everything that matters. Of course, as you get older, you shouldn’t even be playing if it doesn’t matter. When you lose, give the winners their props, and if you can’t ever seem to beat them...well, join them or a team who will whip their ass. If neither option is available to you, change positions. Find one that suits you...one where you win more than you lose. 

Just never become a good loser!