Show, don’t tell: How to facilitate relationship-building at work

I barely recognize myself In this photo. I was so happy.?

As an introvert, it has taken me a year and a half to miss physically spending time with people outside my family.?But now I do. So, post-vaccine, I started to venture out. One of the first things I did was volunteer to lead songs at my daughter’s Girl Scout/Daisy campfire event. (Daisies are kindergarten and first-grade Girl Scouts.)

But after so long without socializing, I realized I’m out of practice. My small talk is abysmal. I feel awkward and struggle with how to make friends. As I sat there, watching these first-graders facing the same lack of practice, something dawned on me.?

A little background

Earlier this summer, my daughter had a virtual Girl Scout camp—and as awkward and sad as I thought it would be, it wasn't. Her experience far exceeded my wildest expectations.?

I theorized that if I could recreate that positive experience at our in-person event, I could (hopefully) give my kid an experience that her childhood so desperately needed. And since this was one of the very few opportunities I would have to do so, I designed the experience from beginning to end.

First, I chose to sing a song with actions, a song I learned to sing in American Sign Language when I was a kid: "Make New Friends." By involving their bodies with the signing and singing, the kids would be more engaged. I also chose the song because it would feel safe and predictable to the other moms—and I printed copies of the lyrics for them to be sure they could sing just as loudly as me. I did it around the fire pit, to capture that magical feeling of camaraderie a campfire creates.?

Next, I took the whole group, mothers and daughters, to the deck where we sat in a circle and sang "Down by the Banks." They had to sit knee to knee. They had to clap each other’s hands, and the person whose hand gets touched as the song ends has to stand up. (Think musical chairs, but with song lyrics.)

The first time around, the short song's last word landed on a girl who felt sad to be “out” for the next round. By the end of the second verse, though, I realized my plan had worked. I hadn't heard a group laugh that hard in a long time. I felt a part of me come back to life. At the end, we all cheered for the winner and also, probably, for the joy of sharing joy and laughter. ??

The third song was my daughter's favorite camp song, "Boom Chicka Boom." It has sass, was easy for them to follow the call-and-response, and it requires silly voices. ?? This song would keep the girls' guards down a little longer.

The last verse we did in what I called the "Daisy-style.”?Daisy-style reminded the girls that they were all there for a common purpose, that they all had mothers who went out of their ways to give them the chance to make friends in the middle of a pandemic.?

On many levels, it all worked, and I’m glad it did. I've tried so hard to help my daughter have enough fun that she lets her guard down. This was the first time it worked.

The difference between this time and all the other times I tried? I orchestrated it.?I set up the processes and established how they would interact with each other.?

That’s when the light bulb went off. ??

I am a marketer. It’s my job to study human behavior and analyze situations so I can understand why people behave the way they do. So I started thinking about how employers encourage us to build relationships and tout the many business benefits it brings. But they expect us to figure it out on our own.?We’re all so out of practice, though, I don't think most of us even know where to start.?

We need to be told.

We need leadership to give us explicit instructions. For companies to improve productivity right now, the C-suite needs to lead this transformation like they mean it.?And I have a few suggestions about how they can:

• Encourage participation in a “virtual coffee,” where employees are randomly matched to have coffee with each other at a regular cadence (something we do at JLLT that I love).
• I would also recommend every team have a vision statement, approved by each member.?
• Run a team Health Monitor, and run the Roles and Responsibilities “play” (from the Atlassian Team Playbook).
• Teams need a weekly happy hour in the last hour of work each week where they can imbibe (or not) and just unwind and vibe with the team. Ideally, it will be less work-focused and more interpersonal.?
• Managers should encourage and reward collaborative and kind behaviors—and they have to have compassion for their teams and their struggles. Not everyone is handling the pandemic and the changes it brought well.
• They should schedule an off-site that accommodates everyone's locations and travel preferences.?
• Attend their meetings to ensure the narrative is healthy and to reinspire them about the importance of their work, if needed.?
• Leaders should frequently remind team members why they're important and what they will accomplish together in the next five years.?

My last bit of advice if you want to enhance your people's performance: Do it now. Humans are social beings, and we need human interaction. Our job as leaders is to facilitate a culture that’s productive, collaborative, creative. We must nourish that culture so our teammates can bring their best selves and do their best work.