Should You Tell Your Employees Not to Work on Weekends?

Plus: Conversation tips for introverts and one easy way to be kinder to yourself.

Welcome to the latest edition of A Spark of Optimism! In this newsletter, we'll cover a range of topics, from how to practice more self-compassion to expert socializing advice for introverts (courtesy of a former U.S. Ambassador).

But first, Simon himself reveals why you should think twice before telling your team that they shouldn't work after-hours for the sake of work-life balance:

I have always prided myself on being the kind of leader that works to help those on my team maintain a work-life balance. I want people on my team to spend quality time with their families in the evenings and not work on weekends. Even when there are those times when we have to work late or on weekends, I try to give some time back. For example, I’ll try to give them a day off during the week to make up for their lost Saturday. And if anyone on my team sends emails at night or on a weekend, I encourage them to stop doing that.?

So you can imagine my surprise when I found out that I was actually doing damage to the morale of some of the best people on my team.

I’ve been advising a startup called Watercooler that uses machine learning to look for anomalies in company workflow to predict the risk of burnout, the risk of quitting, and gaps in training. On one of our calls, they were showing me some of their data and I was shocked by what it seemed to reveal.?

Below you’ll see a graph provided by the team at Watercooler:

In studying this chart, you’ll find that the employees who are most disengaged from work rarely if ever do work in the evenings or on weekends. Employees who are at high risk for burnout do too much work in the evenings or on weekends. But the best, happiest, and most engaged employees actually like to do some work on the occasional evening or weekend. And the reason is simple: they care. They care a lot. And they really like doing the little extra to help themselves, their colleagues, and the company stay on top of things.?

So when I told my best people to stop what they were doing, I was basically telling them to stop caring.?

I learned that, even if well intentioned, I can’t enforce my idea of what work-life balance should look like. If my best people want to do some work in the evening or on a weekend, and it makes them feel good to do so, then instead of telling them to stop, I have to show appreciation for their extra effort. Making someone feel good for the extra work they do does more to boost morale and good will than trying to force people to stop doing any work during their spare time.

Socializing Tips for Introverts from a Former U.S. Ambassador

Imagine a Red Bull-sponsored rock climber who suffers from a debilitating fear of heights, or a CEO of a global tech company who experiences such incredible stage fright that they can’t even put their second foot on the ground on the day of their quarterly presentation.?Some things, as they say, come with the territory.

Such was the plight of Matthew Barzun, a successful businessman and author, who was appointed as the United States Ambassador to Sweden in 2009 and then to the United Kingdom in 2013. He served abroad for several years while carrying a unique quality for a diplomat whose job requires holding court, entertaining foreign dignitaries, and rubbing shoulders with heads of state over champagne and hors d’oeuvres: he’s a big introvert.

Over the years, Barzun did what many smart, self-aware individuals living with a perceived weakness do: he developed his own proprietary toolkit for dealing with it. He created visualizations to help him de-stress before social events, compiled a list of conversation starters to break the ice when necessary, and ultimately found a way to thrive as an introvert in a world dominated by extroverts.

Recently, Barzun sat down with us to share some of his socializing secrets that any introvert can learn from. We’ve provided them below in the hopes that you find them helpful.?

Tip One: Create a Visualization to Give You Momentum?

Long before Barzun began his diplomatic career, he was a ski racer in his youth. Even today, he draws upon that experience to navigate social situations.

“I decided to apply a lesson from my time as a downhill ski racer in New England,” he explains. “When you’re nervous at the start, your instinct is to lean backward, which is actually one of the dumbest things you can do because it leads to loss of control and increases the likelihood of crashing. So, the counterintuitive approach is to lean down the mountain to slow down, even though it’s momentarily terrifying.”

However, once you embrace this technique, you gain more control than if you resisted it. “So, when I went to cocktail parties, I would visualize downhill skiing,” he says. “I would consciously lean forward, almost unnaturally, and remind myself to ask interesting questions. This momentum would carry me through the rest of the event.”

Tip Two: Come Prepared with Conversation Starters

It’s always helpful to have thoughtful icebreakers ready. Barzun has relied on several of them.

“One of the best questions is, ‘What do you not worry about?'” he suggests. “I’ve posed this question to prime ministers and people from all walks of life. The beauty of it is that the answer is entirely up to them. They can choose to respond seriously, like ‘I don’t worry about the rise of China,’ or on a more personal level, like ‘I don’t worry about how I look anymore’ or ‘I don’t worry about dying.'”

The key to this question—and to all great icebreaker questions, really—is that there is no right or wrong answer. It provides individuals with the freedom to share something unique and personal without feeling pressured to be overly clever.

Another question Barzun often asks is, “What is one superpower from one of your grandparents that you’d like to have in your life?”

“That question really resonates with people,” he explains. “Discussing parents can be tricky because our relationships with them are often emotionally charged. However, with grandparents, you have four to choose from, and individuals can decide which aspect of their grandparent’s life they want to share. It could be an immigrant story or something else. Usually, the answer reveals a lot about them because it’s usually not something they actually feel they lack. It’s more about what they connect with and would like to enhance, rather than a significant gap. But even in that, you gain insight.”

Tip Three: Reframe Your Small Talk as a Mission to Discover Something Interesting

Dread conversations? Change your perspective and view it as a “gathering game,” says Barzun. “As part of my technique, I’ve turned it into a game where I constantly try to collect interesting answers from people. It’s important to make it fun.”

During conversations, Barzun often poses weird questions to elicit unique and insightful responses. One example: “How do you visualize time?”

“Then it gets weird and you get all sorts of different answers,” he says. “For some people, the answer is that they picture a circle or a straight line. The point is, I like not only hearing them, but collecting them. I can’t remember jokes that people tell me. I’ve heard thousands. But if someone tells me how they visualize time, I never forget it.”

For more great communication tips you can use at work, be sure to check out our Optimism Subscription Library. There you’ll find 50+ courses covering a range of topics, including How to Deliver and Accept Feedback Effectively, The Leader’s Guide to Conflict Resolution, Communication Strategies for High Performance, How to Use Storytelling to Make a Greater Impact, and more.

One Easy Way to Be Kinder to Yourself Starting Now

“I’m such an idiot.” “I’m terrible at my job.” “No one likes me.” Sound familiar? We all have that pesky inner critic that loves to rain on our parade every now and then. While leading psychologists will tell you that you’ll never be able to kick your inner critic to the curb for good, you can certainly take steps to manage it.

It all starts with a little bit of self-compassion. One study published in the journal Behavior Therapy found having self-compassion can counteract the negatives that often come hand-in-hand with self-criticism—everything from stress and anxiety to depression. Another study found it can also increase your future happiness, even in times of adversity. But where do you begin on your journey of self-compassion?

Simon says the best place to start is confronting your inner critic head-on. “We can’t stop it. But we can manage it,” he says. And the best way to do that is to simply give it a name, which allows you to grow distance between yourself and your inner critic. “Call it Bob. Call it Stacey. I know someone who calls it the ‘Shitty Committee,’ he says. “That way, when your inner critic chimes in, you can be like, ‘Oh, the Shitty Committee’ is here again,’ and it helps you manage it a lot better.”

Naming your inner critic might feel silly, but the method is backed by mental health professionals for a reason—it instantly robs your inner critic of its power. A study published in the journal Frontiers in Psychology found when you become aware of your inner critic and how harshly you treat yourself, you’ll become more supportive and friendly toward yourself—something that, as the authors say, makes you feel more at peace and “better able to cope with everyday pressures and challenges.”

While labeling the voice in your head that criticizes you 24/7 is one way to be kinder to yourself, it’s only the beginning. If you make it your mission to show yourself some compassion—not just today, but every day—you’ll be well on your way to a brighter, more fulfilling future.

More Useful Advice from The Optimism Company

Simon’s Best Advice for When You Hate Your Job

5 Ways You Can Build a Stronger Leadership Presence

The Perfect Answers to the “Tell Me About Yourself” Question

Simon’s Tips for Starting Any Presentation with Confidence