Should You Be Nice To Naughty Negotiators?

With the holiday mood in full swing, I found myself thinking:

  "Should you be nice to a naughty negotiator?"

My experience tells me that many people tend to be too nice when negotiating.  They fear ruining the relationship, they can't say "No," they tend to be happy with whatever they get, they don't want to seem greedy... and so they play it safe.

Now, being nice may improve your chances when negotiating with Santa.  But not everyone is Santa. 

Here are five tips to negotiating with less jolly people.

1. Be aware of manipulative tactics

Cheating, bluffing, psychological pressure -- it's been in the books for millennia, mastered through the generations.  You'll meet people out there who'll go to any length to get what they want, sacrificing their integrity, their relationship, and even their reputation for their sheer personal benefit.

Be aware of dirty tricks and don't be shy in calling out your counterpart on it.

2. Know exactly what you need...

Obviously you should step into the negotiation with expectations.  Yet time and again I've seen negotiators allow their counterpart to shape their expectations, tell them what they need and why.

You know your interests best, and while it's healthy to be open to persuasion, define your goals before you start negotiating.  That way you'll stay focused and won't be easily swayed.

3. ...And go after it

Sitting back and waiting for your counterpart to give you what you want -- and being happy with whatever you get -- is another trait of nice negotiators.  It should never be that way.  Think of this this way: if your counterpart is "nice" enough to give you what you want without you asking, imagine how much more you ca get if you're proactive.

It is your job to give your counterpart a good reason (or three) on why they should agree with you.  You should earn what you want, not be granted it.

"You should earn what you want, not be granted it."

4. Be ready to walk away

You have to be ready and willing to say "No."  If you're unwilling to do this and your counterpart feels it... or worse, knows it... then you can be used and abused until you lose your shirt.

Not only define your negotiation goals, but also your alternatives: if you don't succeed in this negotiation, how else can you achieve your goals?  Keep these alternatives in mind, and never agree to anything worse than that.

5. Trust, but verify

Popularized by Ronald Reagan during the Cold War, the Russian proverb "Доверяй, но проверяй" is as real and relevant as it gets, especially when you're negotiating with the naughty type.  Trust and relationship are the lubricant of great negotiations; without it, the friction can get so high that it heats up the situation.

Invest in building trust and maintaining it.  But don't be blind: check out this piece on 5 Ways to Build Trust for smart trust-building.

Wrapping It Up

Let me wrap this article up for you as you unwrap your Christmas gifts this morning.  There are many naughty negotiators out there, and being nice with them is not a solution -- they might walk all over you.  But neither does it work being naughty back to them, because eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.

Instead, be willing to call them on their tricks and even walk away, know exactly what you're going after and how, and trust them, but not with blind faith.

That said, I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a beautiful 2016 filled with successful negotiations, wonderful options, many alternatives, and, most importantly, trust and peace.

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Stepan Khzrtian (Cantab '11) is co-founder and Managing Partner of LegalLab Law Boutique (www.legallab.co) and co-founder of the Center for Excellence in Negotiation (www.cen.am).  Trained in advanced dealmaking at Harvard Law School, he has been engaged in coaching and consulting on negotiation for nearly 10 years, working with clients to successfully close deals with Fortune 500 companies and empowering officials and officers to best serve constituencies. 

He writes on law, negotiation, and strategy.