Should we talk about Self Doubt?

Estimated reading time: Complete article, 12 mins. Each chapter, 3 mins??

“The less you talk about shame, the more of it you have,'' says Brene Brown. So If I am going to bare myself, I might as well leave it all on the floor.?

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger? Rough sea makes for a skilled sailor? Losing teaches winning? What a meaningless load of horse shit these quotes are when one doesn’t know how to deal with loss or pain or doubt! Simply psyching yourself up with motivational quotes can’t be the answer, right? Embrace vulnerability, process reality mindfully and take decisive action in these tough situations. Then we are talking!?

I am still learning to be comfortable with vulnerability. Day after day, I notice that I am becoming less pretentious, less needy and more my true self. I wish that for you too. It’s beautiful! Here are three stories of me dealing with self-doubt in the recent time. Let’s see if they contribute to some positivity in your life.??

The immature?

Seven years ago, a friend of mine and I were involved in a near-fatal accident in India. I was riding a motorcycle and my friend the pillion. We were going ridiculously fast when we crashed into a?car. My friend flew to fall on the other side of the car and I was unconscious for 7 hours. Over the years I had narrated the incident many a times: a thrilling story of a near death experience as eighteen year olds. We lived to tell the tale.

There is, however, a whole other side to the story I took for granted. I seem to have subconsciously chosen to remember the exciting parts of the past and conveniently forget some of the actuality behind it.?

This friend and I had lost touch in the past couple of years. Recently, out of the blue, he wrote to me. Following this accident, a metal rod had been inserted in his leg to enable him to walk. Now, after all these years, the doctors said he needed a surgery to remove the rod because of an infection.?

When I heard this, my heart dropped, knowing all too well that I had forgotten the incident had long term consequences for him and his family. All this because I was in a rush to meet a girl I liked. It only took a couple of seconds for me to realise that I had taken no real responsibility for getting us into this mess. This made me question the kind of person I was fundamentally. I wondered if I was a good person at heart. It was so overwhelming, words fail to describe it. This was as if I was trying to go through everything I was meant to process nine years ago and ever since, all at once.?

Taking a couple of days to analyse the situation, I put it into perspective. I was an immature and careless eighteen year old who wanted to make it up to the guy back then but didn’t have a clue how to go about it. As time passed, I was too uncomfortable to act on it. Then I consoled myself by saying it was too late. Thereafter, I was selfish and self-absorbed enough to remember only bits of the story.?

I would have handled the situation in a contrasting manner had I been able to think half as clearly as I do now. After giving it a lot of thought, I arrived at a choice. Either I can keep beating myself up or step up to the occasion. I picked the latter. So currently I am reconnecting with the guy and trying to be there for him in every way I can.????

The heartbroken?

Not long ago, both of us believed we were going to get married one day. Yet the relationship came to an amicable end after two and a half years. I was her first boyfriend. She wasn’t sure what she wanted in life and so decided to go on this journey of self discovery, without me in it. One thing was certain, she didn’t feel the same way about me anymore.?I understood.

This breakup was the toughest to process because a big part of me felt missing. My confidence was low and I was overpowered by an identity crisis. I doubted if I could ever be okay again. Some of you might relate to this.

My deliberation was to not spend too much time alone. ‘Empty mind is a devil’s workshop’. This lead to a series of extremely social weeks that I don’t usually enjoy. Meeting new people was nice. Spending more time with friends was surely nice. Seeing the view from Erasmus bridge past midnight almost everyday was undoubtedly nice.?

And then one day at work, my mind was racing at knots. The thoughts were profoundly negative. I left early.??

Once I got home, I took a pen and paper to the river and started to vomit my thoughts. What was really bothering me and why? What did I appreciate about my relationship with the ex-girlfriend? Were there things that could have been better? And finally, What would make me fulfilled? Then, I asked myself the same questions as a third person - ‘What was really bothering Adi and why?’?

While I found myself writing some obvious and some not so obvious things, one thing surprised me, to say the least. My answer to the question, ‘What would make me fulfilled?’.?

As I read the words scribbled across the page - I sighed with relief, then I smiled and then I laughed with amusement.?

With a rush of endorphins I read it out loud, “Adopting a kid”. That is what I wanted do most. Wow, I had thought about it a couple of times in the last 2-3 years but I never realised how important it was for me. It comfortably sat on top of the list.?

When I was ten or eleven years old, my mom sat me down and held both my hands. “Chinna" (translates to ‘little one’), she said, "One day I’d like for you to be in a position to adopt a kid”. I didn’t comprehend the weight of the question back then of course. “Okay, I will,'' I still replied without hesitation anyway. This exchange made a lasting impression on me it seems.?

It has now been a couple of months since the breakup. I am trying to see how I can base the most important decisions in life around this newfound purpose - adopting a kid one day. Couple of days ago, I asked my mom - what was going on in her mind when she spoke to me about it seventeen years ago.?She wanted her children to be in a position to be able to support 10 other people in need at any given point. "I still think it is one of the noblest ways to give back to the society," she said. It's something to live up to!??

The anxious?

Couple of months ago, I decided to leave a comfortable full time job to work part time for World Startup Factory and become a freelance entrepreneur for the rest. This is how I got involved in co-organising the first ever night edition of Capital Tour XXL in Amsterdam. In less than three months, the team put together an evening bringing together over 130 founders and 50 investors in Amsterdam for some carefully matched meetings. I am incredibly proud of what the team was able to pull off - each of the attendees had personalised matchmaking schedules, people were biking between five different venues, and there were so many moving parts!??

As a lead up to the event, we were a happy bunch. And then three days before the event, couple of things didn’t go according to plan.?

Anxiety, the devil on the shoulder, suddenly reintroduced itself after a long long hiatus. It was persistent, deliberate, and infuriating. Part of me doubted if the program was going to turn out alright even though most of it was under control. I started to question if I was good enough to lead the team and pull this off. There’s also this added burden of not unloading too much stress onto your colleagues.?

The morning of the program, I woke up with a forced smile and conviction to put on the best version of Capital Tour yet. Plenty still had to be arranged. 25 minutes prior to the start, I was a couple of kilometres away from the kickoff venue. The team could really use the extra hands to help set up the venues. Meanwhile, I was expected on the stage to welcome our guests on time.?

This cliché part is important to the theatrics of the story - it was raining when I started to cycle to the venue. People living in The Netherlands would know what I talk about next! As it would happen, the front tire of my bike got stuck in a tram lane. I almost fell flat on my face. "This is not a sign," I told myself. There was somewhere to be, no time to think. So I gathered myself quickly and tried to bike again. Only to realise that the chain on the bike had broke! "THIS IS NOT A SIGN," I repeated to myself.?

Seriously though, were these signs that hell was about to break loose? You know how things tend to spiral when you’re having a bad time. My heart was beating out of my chest.?

I stopped. Instead of hurrying, I actually took a whole minute to breathe and calm down. Then gave myself a pep talk about how hard my team worked on this project. There was no fucking way I was giving up on them! It just was not an option! Period. I asked myself, ‘Why did you start doing this in the first place?’.?

Only then did I call a taxi. And somehow managed to get to the location with just about 10 mins to spare. I was soaking wet from the rain. Nevertheless, I got there! Upon seeing over 100 entrepreneurs in the room, I believed it, we were going to be more than okay. We were going to make a difference by helping several of them get the right partners and investors on board! While we are at it, we were going to thoroughly enjoy ourselves. This is why we started doing this. This is why I started doing this.

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to a special night edition of Capital Tour XXL!!!…”?

There was plenty of appreciation for what we put together. I’ll cherish how it all went down. Perhaps we wouldn’t have learnt so much if everything went smoothly. This experience made us a stronger team and also stronger individuals.

??My lessons and hopefully your lessons by proxy?

Journey to self-belief actually starts with not stressing yourself out about self-esteem. Most of the world's problems are because we think too much or too little. These are my stories. What worked for me, might not work for you. However, I hope this inspires you to find your own feet.?

Let me try to summarise my takeaways from the experiences above.??????

1. In the most strenuous moments, one needs to have the courage to slow down. If only you could just remember to breathe in these fight or flight moments, you’d be giving yourself a better chance of winning. Pain is only too much information in too little time. When your thoughts slow down, so does your perception of time.
2. While ‘stages of grief’ is not an absolute science, it’s not bullshit. I strongly believe, we humans need a process to peel off layers of self-doubt before dealing with its complexity. Quick fixes will only go so far. Self-doubt is not a wound to be plastered. It is a disease. So I encourage you to allow yourself some time to come up with a process suited to your personality and needs.
3. Surround yourself with strength. Talk to your friends. Prepare them by explaining that you’re trying to go through a healthy process. There’s also nothing to be embarrassed about getting a therapist, if need be. Do we laugh at those who get a personal gym trainer? These people are committing themselves for personal growth. How is this different?

If you enjoyed this, share it with someone who might find it helpful too. I’d also love to hear your thoughts and stories in the comments. There’s an active movement promoting open conversation about mental health. Let’s contribute to making this the new normal, shall we? :)??

Credits

Editing: Parikrama Rai. Photos: Holland Park Media and Raz van Isac. Special mentions: Gerrit Jan van 't Veen, Simone Scoutens, Natalie Wang, Annelies Hoeneveld and Vincent Cohen.