There Should be a Privacy Master Switch

While checking my Facebook timeline this morning, yes it was early, I was presented with an ad which was better suited to a late-night infomercial than positioned just above pictures of my kids. Usually, I blow past these pesky ads but not today. What caused me to linger on the ad, was the description. Professional Ingrown Toenail Correction tool.  The picture on the left resembled the steering wheel removal tool, I used in my youth.  I examined the image a bit closer and was still having issues identifying how it worked until I looked at the picture on the right. That made a bit more sense but looked very painful, to say the least. I’m thinking “Please pass the bamboo shoots.” That would be less painful. 

Not satisfied that I fully understand the mechanics of the contraption, I immediately had to see if this might attach to my toes. I took my shoes off and examined my toes trying to visualize how this might fit my foot. During my examination, my wife walked by and made some comment about my resemblance to Clyde, the orangutan. To be honest, it didn't surprise her because she is used to me doing odd things. I briefly pulled up on the toenail currently residing on my right big toe. My body reacted to the searing pain racing from the toe above to every nerve center in my body by producing an impressive stream of coffee flying out of my mouth at a rate of 50 gallons a second. The frightening thing was that this was just my finger and not this medieval torture device.

 I'm secure enough in my manhood to admit that I get pedicures. In all my visits to the spa, I have never seen one of these contrivances in use. I have suffered many different torture techniques at the hands of the skilled, and not so skilled, nail technicians from time to time but they in no way ever tried to lift toenail off its bed. "It's OK Mr. Thompson. We'll lift it up, check the level of quick, perhaps polish the underside and then return it back in place."

My curiosity was piqued and only a trip to the spa later in the day would validate my speculation that this device was created by two sadists in a garage and not for use by the public. "Hey if we call it professional, people will buy it!". After choosing the deluxe pedicure with the coconut lotion, I showed the technician a picture of the said implement of torture. While I am not exactly sure what said, several of the technicians spoke in their native tongue, but I believe it had something to do with "The old bald guy will buy anything. Quickly try to sell him a luffa."

 Alas, I had no additional information on the usefulness of "the professional toenail torture device," but did have smooth feet which smelled of coconuts. On the way home, a scarier thought crossed my mind. Why did Facebook think I would be interested in such a device? Was this an actual product or some form of “Click bait”? When I got home, I launched the Amazon app and searched for “professional ingrown toenail correction device.” Low and behold Amazon had some for sale. So at least the device is real, but I am on Amazon almost as much as I am on Facebook so why did this not show up in Amazon’s suggested items list? Of course, now that I have searched for it, it shows up all the time now. Sigh.

 What had I been viewing on Facebook that would trigger the "secret algorithm” to show me this ad? I try to keep my privacy settings fairly restrictive. Certainly, it couldn't have anything to do with the "What is the color of the cape of your inner superhero?" or "What is your stripper name?" quizzes I took earlier in the day. I was again stumped but at least had pampered feet that smelled like coconuts. 

 The next day, to quote Yogi Berra, I had “De-Ja-Vu all over again.” It is better known as the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon. That is the phenomena where you learn something new, and then you hear or see the same thing all the time.  While I didn’t keep seeing the toenail jack stand, I did start to notice articles and stories everywhere about Facebook spying on us. It started when I stumbled across a LinkedIn posting where a reporter from CNBC explained the lengths you have to go through to limit what controls and Facebook use in its advertising algorithms. 

768 clicks and 30 minutes later I had limited what these trolls can use. Why is there no "Stop tracking me you troll" button to flush everything? Instead of a single Opt-out” action, you have to go through no fewer than 20 pages of categories and stuff. On each page, you have to click on each topic that FB uses to annoy you to turn it off. This level of obscurity that they use on these controls is nauseating. 

Over the past couple days, I have seen several more stories on just about every media stream with people appalled by this "big brother" style intrusion. Apparently, we are OK with them showing ads that are supposedly useful to us, but have this data be used by a political candidate and the feces hits the fan. Wake up, people! When a company makes the clear majority of their revenue off of advertising to make money on this  "free" service, expect that you are paying for it by sharing more than a little of your soul.  I’ll admit that I make a choice to use some of these services and am a big boy and take responsibility for this but expect them to keep it inside the company to only show me useful ads like “Professional Underarm Battery Powered Lawnmowers.” 

 My complaint is how damn hard they make it tell them to "leave me alone." Instead of the 768 clicks to turn stuff off, I want the master switch to say "none of your business!" If I thought those blowhards in Washington DC could stop investigating each other or protecting their cronies long enough to protect a citizens' privacy a bit better, I'd write them. Instead, I'm going to order one of those professional ingrown toenail correction tools and torture myself. Even though all my toenails are now beautiful and my feet smell like coconuts.