Should I Keep Fighting for my Marriage?

After 26 Years our Marriage was Over

By

mintsmichael070

July 29, 2020

The most significant decision I’ve ever made was to work as hard on my marriage as I have my career. — Michael Mints

Regardless of how you’re feeling right now about your spouse or your marriage, you cannot let your emotions determine what you think or do.

From my own experiences, I can tell you that your emotions want you to believe that it’s hopeless, that your spouse doesn’t care. Your feelings want you to be angry that they’re so selfish, leaving you feeling like you want to give up.

You just want to be happy, not to fight anymore, for it to be simple. Emotion wants your spouse to be what you need, for them to change, to make you feel the way you want to feel, loved.

Your emotions work like a warning light on the dashboard of this vehicle called marriage. The dashboard lets you know when something is not right, that something needs some attention.

Justin Bariso makes the following statement in his book, EQ Applied: The Real World-Wide Guide to Emotional Intelligence.

“You should never make a permanent decision based on a temporary emotion. Since most of the emotions you experience occur almost instinctively, you can’t control how you feel at any given moment. But you can control how you react to those feelings.”

Your emotions are there to serve as a means by which you recognize your need to make positive changes in your life and marriage.

Your spouse is also feeling hopeless. He/she is viewing everything from a very negative lens as well. Your spouse is most likely making decisions based on their emotions and feelings.

The problem with feelings and emotions is they change; they change quickly. When you get married, you both have hope and a positive outlook. Over time, hope can fade or is lost because your feelings change.

What you and your spouse may not realize or understand is that your feelings can and will change again. It’s true! I know because I’ve lived it.

I was in a place where my wife and I both believed that our marriage was over after 26 years. We started so happy, college sweethearts; we’d raised three beautiful girls. One in college and the other two were graduating from high school.

Even our family and friends believed it was over, with no possible way, that it could be resurrected. I thought that I would never feel love and passion for or from my wife again.

There is good news though, feelings and emotions can and do change depending on the amount of effort, commitment, hard work, and desire you use to move past today and on to greater things.

But we seem so Incompatible.

Everyone’s circumstances leading up to marriage are different, like the length of the relationship, length of engagement, previous family experiences, and pre-marriage preparation.

Pre-marriage and dating are not the same as post-marriage. What seemed cute often wears as real-life together happens. Real marital pressures build, disappointment happens, circumstances change, new situations arise, and happiness appears to be going or gone.

Your spouse may be trying to convince you to quit because he/she is tired of the struggle as well. They want you to make it easy, and the temptation is there to give in and leave just so you both can get some relief.

Before long, couples begin to think that they’re incompatible. Often the thinking goes like this, “We’re so unhappy, and we seem so incompatible; the best thing we could do for each other is just giving up on our marriage.”

This response is an excuse on many levels. The belief that you’re going to be compatible with no work, no effort, and no struggle is just a fabrication of our culture. Compatibility comes as a result of working hard to understand how your spouse wants and needs to be loved.

Success in life occurs as a result of hard work and dedication. The same is true for your marriage.

If you give up, no one wins.

“So, it’s not gonna be easy. It’s going to be really hard; we’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, every day. You and me… every day.”– Nicholas Sparks

In the heat of marriage frustration, struggle, and dysfunction, I understand that you want to give up. You believe you’d be better off to throw in the towel and start over with someone else. But here are the facts.

Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash

Starting over does not make life any easier or better for anyone. It takes enormous amounts of physical and emotional energy to be divorced. Divorce only adds more pain on top of the pain you currently have.

Divorce complicates the lives of the people you love and care about — especially your children and extended family. Divorce does change things temporarily, but there are no winners, only a trail of hurting and broken people.

It affects everyone, including your kids, your future grandchildren, your parents, your in-laws, and your friends. Yes, I know there are articles and books out there trying to convince you that divorce isn’t as bad as you fear it will be, but it is!

In her article: 9 Negative Effects Divorce Reportedly Have on Children, Lauren Hansen identifies the following: Smoking habits, Ritalin use, Poor math, and social skills, Susceptibility to sickness, the Increased likelihood of dropping out of school, Propensity for crime, Higher risk of stroke, and a Greater chance of getting a divorce.

A study recently published in the Journal of Men’s Health (JMH) confirms that divorced people, both men, and women, suffer higher rates of mortality, depression, illness in general, and substance abuse than do married people.

Divorce is the death of a family, and it is traumatic even to adult children. It takes a psychological toll that leaves a legacy of its own.

All Things Great in Life come from struggle.

Those who overcome great challenges will be changed, and often in unexpected ways. For our struggles enter our lives as unwelcome guests, but they bring valuable gifts. And once the pain subsides, the gifts remain. These gifts are life’s true treasures, bought at a great price, but cannot be acquired in any other way. — Steve Goodier

I need to remind you that you are going to have a challenging year, either way, whether you divorce or you end up working it out. If you divorce, you will have to grieve all that you lost.

You’ll have to start over, learn how to be alone again, make financial adjustments, share custody, and help your children grieve the loss of a parent and their family.

On the other hand, if you stay and commit to win this battle and stay focused on your goal. You’ll have to live in a situation that feels awkward and uncomfortable for a time as you try and get your spouse re-engaged. You’ll have to manage your anxiety and deal with hurtful things your spouse says and is doing.

There will be no immediate relief. Divorce will seem the easy way out, but it’s not. I’m giving you the benefit of 44 years of marriage and time spent counseling tons of married couples. It’s the beginning of a long period of grief, loneliness, fear, and doubt.

But there is hope.

Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash

Imperfect Struggling Marriages Benefit You, Your Spouse, and Your Family.

Conflict is rarely easy and never fun, but it can be used effectively to strengthen a marriage relationship if approached with a willingness to own your part, listen effectively to your spouse and work out the underlying emotions that may still be lingering.– Gary Gilles, LCPC

You may be wondering, “How can this true?” It’s true because difficult situations and circumstances in our lives help us learn and grow. It works the same way in every area of our life.

If you just run away every time you come face to face with difficult circumstances, you would never learn forward. Life utilizes struggle and pain to help you change, mature, and grow. It works the same for your marriage, as well.

When you embrace your marriage struggles and see them as an opportunity to learn and grow, your attitude towards those struggles change. Instead of complaining and living with constant despair, you start to notice that this is happening for you, you’re welcoming the challenges, and recognizing that amid the struggle is where you find the good stuff.

As you persevere, you grow, and your spouse and family benefits. You start to demonstrate calm and kindness despite all that’s going on. You begin to go first with patience and understanding.

You begin in small ways to love your spouse for free, with no expectation of anything in return, because you’re in a better place. Over time you look up and see those you love starting to do the same for you.

You increase your opportunities for happiness in marriage by learning and growing personally through the struggle, through the frustrations. A loving relationship is more about learning how to love the one you’re with than it is finding someone to love.

Love is not a feeling. Love is an action, an activity. Genuine love implies commitment and the exercise of wisdom. Love is the will to extend oneself to nurture one’s own or another’s spiritual growth. — M.Scott Peck

Over time you learn that love is an action that you commit to. Just like in my career, I was committed to being successful and took action every day to move toward that goal.

It worked the same in my marriage. As I began to make love a daily action and committed to being successful in my marriage, things began to change.

People who stay married depend more on their commitment to each other than they do with their feelings. They’re committed to staying together despite the struggle until they learn how to love each other the way they want and need to be loved.

Photo by Nagesh Badu on Unsplash

Marriage is a Gift of Life

Cartoonist and author James Thurber wrote, “Love is what you’ve been through with somebody.” It’s the struggle of doing life together — the fun times, hard times, joyful times, painful times, exciting times — that deepens and grows our love for each other in marriage.

Consider the bonds of friendship between soldiers who have been to war. They’ve been through many hardships and pain; they had each others back. They genuinely loved each other like brothers because of the things they’ve endured together.

You may be trying to convince yourself you would be happier alone, but that usually isn’t true. Of course, it would be better if your relationship were less stressful. However, we need companionship; it’s in our DNA.

That’s why you married in the first place. You want someone to grow old with and feel close. You want someone who knows your fears and shortcomings, yet loves you regardless. Someone that makes you feel safe and secure.

When you feel safe and secure in your relationship, you are physically and emotionally healthier than when you are alone.

Yes, my wife and I are still married. We celebrate 44 years of marriage this year. We chose to stay together, pay the price, and work hard through the struggle and pain to learn how to love each other. 

Is it perfect, no, of course not. Do we make mistakes, absolutely. Do we still work hard at loving each other the way we’ve learned each of us wants and needs to be loved? Every day.

Our marriage is a gift of life and happiness for both of us. It can be that for you as well.

Don’t Give Up!