Should first impressions count?

It’s often said that first impressions count.? We spend a lot of time and energy worrying about how we appear to others.?? ?

You’re a busy person.? You’ve lots of demands on your time.? You’ll want to know all that effort is worthwhile right?? So let’s find out.

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Our natural pursuit of perfection

How many of us feel we’re carrying a bit more weight in places we shouldn’t?

Or would like a nose a different shape or a different size?

Or would prefer our face not to be an illustration of the hours we’re working?

Or would like to be taller, have a different voice, the list goes on

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We are surrounded by images of perfection.? From the unblemished skin of TV presenters even in 4K resolution to the filter enhanced unreality of Instagram.?? It’s easy to believe.

Most of us feel less than perfect in at least one aspect of ourselves.?? Let’s be more brutally honest, most of us are less than perfect in at least one aspect of ourselves.??

Your rational brain may say you should work on what can be changed and accept what can’t.? In reality we ignore the rational brain and do the opposite.

We focus on sizing ourselves up against others for things we can’t change.? We spend energy judging ourselves for not meeting that unreasonable expectation.? And some of us then spend more energy compensating for having made ourselves miserable.

First impressions are rarely the sum of who you are.? And if you’re a busy person and maxed out on your to do list, what’s the point of spending energy on things you can’t change whilst then ignoring the things you can?

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FIRST IMPRESSIONS COUNT – BUT HUMANS ARE PRETTY TERRIBLE AT IT

They say first impressions count.?? Which suggests that we humans are pretty good at sizing people up within a few seconds.? I have met lots of people who claim just that.

Most of them are right.? All of them are wrong.??

It is absolutely true that humans reach judgements on people within an amazingly short time.? We now have tiktok, Instagram reels.?? See a classically attractive person and we stop.? See an ordinary person and scroll on by.

First impressions happen fast.? It is absolutely true that people can arrive at a conclusion about someone pretty quickly.

But most of the time that impression is short on facts and a terrible predictor of the true person.?

There are lots of recruiters that claim they can assess a person within the first three minutes of a meeting.?? Consider this.? Research amongst FBI profilers found that despite having more training and spending longer on an evaluation than a typical recruiter, they go the profile right less than half the time.

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HUMANS ARE WIRED FOR CONFIRMATION BIAS

Why are humans so confident in their ability to read other people and so adept at getting it wrong?

Eric Barker who wrote The First Impression Paradox explains that when we start to form a first impression judgement, our brains are wired for confirmation bias.? What’s that then?

Well confirmation bias in this circumstance plays out in two ways.? Firstly, our brains are excited by the things we favour or like, or already approve of.?

We are therefore prone to bias for example in meeting someone who is tall, and associate height with power or leadership.?

We are prone to seeing someone we perceive as good looking as friendly and personable.

Our brains get excited by things we already believe and separate out the good and the bad this way.?

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ARE TALL PEOPLE BETTER LEADERS?

Research by Stulp et al in 2013 showed that if you want to become president of the United States you’re in with a good chance if you are tall.

Now you might think that many Americans might want their president to have experience, great leadership skills, be a super communicator.?? But when researchers looked at how voters actually considered candidates, it turned out that taller candidates were seen as more decisive, commanding and strong.

It’s been a very long while since an American president has had to literally lead their troops into battle so you may wonder therefore what’s the link between height and perceived strength.

No one’s likely to want to pit a president in a physical battle with a US serviceman.? Just as well because we’d have to go all the way back to 1896, William McKinley to find a president who was elected who was actually shorter than the average US serviceman.

Even in the age of television, Americans like their presidents to be tall.?? Despite us knowing objectively that height has absolutely no bearing on capability.

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WHY DO WE TRY SO HARD TO BE SOMEONE WE’RE NOT?

We’re often so focussed on how we can improve other people’s perception of us that our true essence and the real value that we can bring gets lost in the process.

And that is a shame because our estimation of what people want and prefer is fickle and subjective.?? Sooner or later we get found out anyway.

And our estimation of the flaws we want to fix is often subject to bias as well.

Research shows our brains hold a negativity bias.? It’s thought this was a trait designed to keep us safe by focussing on flaws and vulnerabilities.?? But it means that we’re more receptive to negative feedback than positive.

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HOW DO YOU FEEL WHEN SOMEONE IS PAYING YOU A COMPLIMENT?

So far we’ve talked about negativity but how do you feel when someone pays you a compliment.

It should feel good.? But for many of us it’s something else.?? It’s that sense of bring softened up for the ‘but’.? It’s that sense we cheated our way to the win.? It’s that feeling of being raised up so that when the fall comes, it’ll be even worse.

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SHOULD WE ALWAYS SEEK AND ACT ON FEEDBACK?

Everyone has room for improvement.? But before you start chasing your tail trying to close the gap between what you think someone wants and you think you are, do a reality check.

Our negativity bias as humans means that typically we need four good experiences to overcome the hurt of one bad one.?? Most of us are wired to fixate on things that go wrong, it’s a way our brain tells us that it can protect us.

They say feedback is a gift.?? In a way they’re right.? Because some gifts are just an unwanted pair of socks that don’t fit you anyway.?? Some people buy gifts for themselves and give those away to people that don’t need them.

Many of us fall short on understanding the value we bring to others.? We fall back on unsolicited feedback instead.?? If that’s you then just take this week to consider all the times people came to you for help when they could have gone to someone else.?? That’s feedback.

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FOCUS YOUR ENERGY ON WHAT’S HELPFUL AND IMPORTANT

There are a lot of us humans on the planet.?? And if I bring my strengths and combine them with yours, we’re stronger together.

This season I’ve been talking to lots of people about Imposter Syndrome.? And one thing’s clear.? Whatever you call that feeling, it comes from a sense of comparison with others and a feeling of falling short against expectations.

We are wired to see strengths in others and weaknesses in ourselves.?? The way through this is to hold up your magic mirror.?? The magic mirror shows you more than your physical appearance.?? It shows you the essence of who you are, the good you bring, the happiness and joy, the way you enrich the lives of others.?

Why devote so much energy to a first impression, when a lasting one is so much more valuable?

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If something’s resonated and touched you about this article, reach out and let’s talk.??

We can all be better every day.

www.ianbrowne.com