Should boys always be boys? Can they be more 'equal' in Mental Health?

There’s a substantial amount of conversation on how women suffered during the pandemic – managing the home, the children, the in-laws, stuck at home, abuse, etc. While there’s no doubt that this is true for many women, on World Mental Health Day this year, with the theme of ‘mental health in an unequal world’, I would like to consider the boys and men.

Growing up in an Indian context, I was always told what I should do – dress a certain way, get home before dark, don't speak loudly. My brothers, on the other hand, were always told what not to do – don’t get drunk, don’t smoke, don’t stay out late, don't get into the wrong company. While I was given a certain set of rules that possibly shaped my thinking, my brothers - much like many men in our society - were not provided this framework. A lot of what they should do was left to their own interpretation. When a person is told what must be done, it offers the suggestion of an area in which they can operate. When one is told what not to do, the world is their oyster - one may do anything, as long as it is not that particular thing.

As boys become men, the impact of unclear messaging leads to a great deal of emotional confusion. ‘Real men don’t cry’ is something we hear often. So, what do they do - what is an acceptable reaction when they face sadness, uncertainty and pain? In the first months of the pandemic, I had offered my time, to people who needed a listening ear. One young man who called seemed completely broken – he would simply cry, all the while apologising that he could not stop crying. He was completely embarrassed about his tears. Yet, tears are not defined by gender.

People - both men and women - get impacted emotionally. The time has come to make mental health conversations more inclusive - with inclusion, in this case, referring to the men. Changes in the way we 'message' the male of the species, be it within organisations or families, could help men and the next generation of boys embrace their emotions. Parents could bring up their sons to be more attuned to their emotions, much like how they do with their daughters.?

As a society, we pay a lot of attention to women and how they feel. Somewhere along the way, the emotional needs of the men have been disregarded - they simply have to manage on their own. Women are encouraged to seek help and support. Men, on the other hand, are expected to find their own resources. And seeking resources, such as counseling, is often frowned upon. Being strong always, as some of us know, is overrated.

Maybe it’s time to lower the decibel on what ‘real men’ should be like. Can they be encouraged to feel a little more? Can they be empowered with messages that seek a clear outcome? Can they be encouraged to speak out and show the emotion they feel? In a society where seeking support for mental health issues is taboo and the need to be a ‘real’ man is so aspirational, can we make a start by enabling our boys to feel equal by expressing what they feel and reaching out for support, if needed??