A Short Article On How To Manage Conflict In The Digital Age

Have you ever been in a situation where someone in the office is behaving like a deranged tiger!?

Sitting in a meeting last year, a group of managers discussed their response to a staff member who, in tiger fashion, was doing just that: 

Storming out of the room and slamming doors (and, yes, he was in sales)! 

This employee had been approached about the behaviour and, like so many before him, had immediately hit the emergency button - namely to say he was being ‘bullied’.

Cue ambulance sirens!

Bring on the panic response! 

“We need to digitally record conversations” they cried. 

“We need to document it all” said another. 

“Get third party legal advice” tendered the third and so it went.

Spot the obvious mistake! 

At Stanford University, research into ‘What the internet is doing to our brains’, Nicolas Carr quotes that in a digital age we are less able to maintain concentration on a particular task and we are good at fast decisive action. 

In fact, he goes on to say that we are increasingly becoming more tribal and less exposed to people with interests or beliefs different from our own. 

And it is this lack of ability to hang-in, increased ability for fast decisive action and a lack of understanding of ‘difference’ that ring disaster bells for conflict mitigation. 

In a digital age we are loosening our minds and with it the ability to converse under emotional stress.

As I’ve spoken about previously - most people dread dealing with emotional people and difficult situations.

When I ask people what techniques they use to mitigate such situations they tell me they apologise and they take responsibility and they tell them they ‘understand.’  

Unfortunately, what most people don’t realise, especially in the heat of the moment, is that emotional people, like frightened animals, are responding with their primal brain. 

They’re in fight or flight mode.

They don’t always want to hear how sorry YOU are or what YOU understand and they don’t necessarily want YOU to take responsibility. 

Instead, useful words as an alternative are to begin your discussion with “That’s...” or “It’s...” The ‘I’ response is so close, yet so far and in handling emotional situations, near enough is not good enough. 

The second step is to reflect not only content, but also the emotion. 

Reflecting the emotion of what was said is recognizing the vast proportion of communication that is in the non-verbal. 

Why do we take these steps? 

Oddly enough, it is partly to buy time. 

Your mind works faster than your mouth and time to think can only be a benefit.  

Other reasons are to actually understand what the person has said. 

A third reason is that people in emotional situations want to ‘be heard’ and by re-framing their thoughts and feelings, you can help them feel comfortable.

Lastly, you answer the question, which I leave to you. 

Just remember, using the process does not mean ‘going soft’. 

What about the non-verbals?

Research shows to account for as much as 93% of the underlying message. 

Get these wrong and all the words in the world are just wasted puffs of air!

It is critically important when faced with a difficult, emotional situation that your body is not giving away some internal and aggravating message. 

Examples may be standing on one leg, head to one side, mouth tight or arms folded. 

Find a ‘rest’ or ‘neutral’ position that you can recreate over and over again with ease. 

Often this involves standing on two feet at shoulder width with posture up straight (not stiff) and one hand on the wrist of the other stretched long before you. 

While this position is necessary from a perceptual perspective, it is also important to put in in the best possible position for you to access your true voice unhindered.

It is a habit of many of us, that immediately before we answer questions we quickly glimpse off and away from the person to whom we are speaking. 

For a multitude of reasons best known to Nero-Linguistic programmers (of which I am one) this is not something that is seen to be trustworthy or confident. 

Keep your eyes directly on the person when you have finished listening and begin to answer (note: this is harder than it sounds!).

From working with clients for a lifetime - I can tell you that these tips are tried and true for managing emotional situations.

They will form the backbone of your success next time a heated moment pops up.

If you would like to dive deeper and let me train you on a deeper level - I have a very special 2-day retreat coming up in February.

We have just a few spots left - so if you’re curious to find out more, click the link here: https://bit.ly/confidentleadersydney

~Dr. Louise Mahler

#managingconflict #emotionsituations #communication