Shifting the Weight: Calling BS on Work/Life "Balance"

This morning, I worked up a serious sweat. My heart rate was in the fat burning zone for a good 20 minutes. I did squats, dead lifts and bicep curls. I fought a little voice saying "I don't want to do it!" I persevered. I gave it my all. I didn't go down without a fight.

And just like that, my toddler was dressed and ready for school. (I use the term "ready" very loosely here.)

I, on the other hand, did not look quite "ready" by the time I made it out the door, on my way to a day packed with back-to-back meetings. Have I mentioned trying to make “Tough Mudder Chic” an intentional look?

So, why am I telling you this? Am I looking for sympathy or pity or "special" treatment? No. I am looking for acknowledgement.

One of my favorite things that people – with or without kids – say is "Well, it was your choice to have them." As if the decision to create a family is a choice to be punished for when times are tough.

I am not saying that everyone should have kids or that people who have them are better. What I am saying is that those of us who do have children face a different, difficult challenge when trying to simultaneously build, and succeed in, our careers.

And let me just speak as a woman – as a mom – for a minute here. So, men, brace yourselves.

Mothers face an even more complicated struggle when presented with the well-earned and deserved opportunity to advance in their careers.

Caregiver bias and the unpaid emotional labor women so often bear the burden of alone – or in an unbalanced way – affects women’s abilities to progress in their chosen professions. Sure, when women and men “arrive” at the same place in their careers, we applaud those companies who treat them equally – who give them the SAME opportunities. But, are they really the same? Are they really equitable? Were their paths really comparable in any way?

Why, when we offer women opportunities that we offer men, do we act like the choices they will need to consider and weigh, the sacrifices they will need to make and the work and family "load" they will be painstakingly tasked with juggling are in any way the same? They are not.

So, let’s stop acting like what we hold up as “equal opportunities” are in any way equitable.

In the Forbes piece, "The Motherhood Penalty: Why We're Losing Our Best Talent To Caregiving," the statistics speak for themselves:

• 69% of working Americans say working moms are more likely to be passed up for a new job than other employees
• 60% say career opportunities are given to less qualified employees instead of working moms who may be more skilled
• 72% of both working moms and dads agree that women are penalized in their careers for starting families, while men are not

My job as a parent is full-time, even when I’m not with them. That is a huge weight to carry around to and from meetings, pitches, conferences and events. After coming home from three days of work travel in two cities on Friday, I went straight to two parent-teacher conferences.

But before that, on Thursday night, I was in New York celebrating Have Her Back being honored at the Campaign Power of Purpose Awards. We were humbled to be in the company of 19 other incredible cause-marketing campaigns.

Because we believe that women are a cause worth fighting for.

On Saturday morning, my husband and I were at the pediatrician. Both boys have ear infections, bringing our total to six in 2019 alone. We were humbled to be in the company of 19 other parents trying to figure out why none of us have had a good night’s sleep since Obama was in office.

Because we believe that our family is a cause worth fighting for.

This example of work-life integration isn’t extreme. It’s the norm. And I don't call it balance. I call it managing the equilibrium.

Forgive me if this year's International Women's Day theme "Balance for Better" didn't have me buying the t-shirts in bulk.

Balance assumes that "give and take" has anything to do with parenting. When your kids are little, you give. They take. As they should. But it wears on you. Balance assumes the ebb and flow of work and family are coordinated and cooperative. In truth, "when it rains, it pours" needs a rebrand. It should be "when it rains, it floods." Balance assumes that life looks at all you have going on – all 360 degrees – and proceeds, with caution or compassion.

So, I have a challenge for you.

Next time plans change for one of your co-workers managing a family, make more of an effort to acknowledge the weight of their world.

And my goal for this week? To shift the metaphorical weight from all that I carry with me every day to the three pounders sitting neatly on the Peloton bike in our living room. After all, I deserve to work out without the weight of my children planted firmly on my shoulders. And so do you.