Shift from Directing to Connecting! - Part 8

As a parent of 3 children, providing direction and guidance to them came naturally to me. I took my responsibility as a mother very seriously and was committed to giving them the best advice, keeping them away from all kinds of trouble and ensuring they knew who was in charge at home. It was easier when they were still young and as my kids grew older, I realized that I needed to change my approach.

I had to make a shift in the opposite direction and learn how to connect better with my children in their teenage years and in a digital world, especially when the pandemic hit couple of years ago with virtual learning. Like everyone else, my children had to adjust to this new way of living and communication was very limited as they spend hours in front of the computer.

The communication shift involved:

1. Humility - I had to let my children know that I needed them. Humility is essential in connecting with people. In my entrepreneurial journey, I hesitated asking for help. I wanted others to think that I was already a success and I could reach new heights faster than others without much help. Soon I realized that my dream was bigger than me, I needed others to help me fulfill my dreams if I was going to make a bigger impact. I leaned onto my mentors and coaches to help guide me and it allowed me to lead by example as my children watched me asking for help! It helped me connect better with my peers at work and my children at home.
2. Curiosity - Honestly, I shied away from asking questions. I did not want to be seen as ignorant or silly, I wanted to appear "smarter than a 5th grader" and I felt remaining silent was better than making a fool of myself in front of others. It worked for a while and I took pride in learning by observing. What I realized slowly was that the journey to success was taking longer for me. I had to ask questions to help find opportunities and manage expectations. Knowing the expectations I have of others made me better able to communicate with my children and face reality.

John Maxwell says "Disappointment is the gap between expectations and reality. How do we close that gap? By asking questions so that we can adjust our expectations."

3. Encouragement - I took pride in being an encourager to others, I thought as a mother I was my children's best cheerleader. When my older son decided to pursue a job with Amazon and discontinue his undergraduate study, I was disappointed and devastated. It felt like I failed as a mother to recognize what my son wanted to do with his life. It took me a while to understand that my son had grown up and was ready to make wise decisions. I shifted from correcting him to connecting with him - it was not an easy shift and as a mom of a young adult, I do shift back and forth from "directing to connecting".

Everyone in your life could use the encouragement that only YOU can give.

When I read this statement, it gave me a greater sense of responsibility towards my family, towards my peers, towards my leaders and my circle of influence in the real world and even in the virtual world. One of the reasons I started writing these articles is to encourage you (my readers) to believe in your ability to lead better by sharing with you my leadership journey.

I am grateful to those who have taken the time to share with me testimonials about the impact my leadership journey has had on them and it has encouraged me to connect & help many others!

In the book "Leadershift" by John C. Maxwell, he shares 4 other ways to overcome the challenges of connecting and finding common ground. Let me briefly list them here for you:

• Effort - Go Out Of Your Way to Connect With People
• Trustworthiness - Be Someone Others Can Count On
• Generosity - Give First, Give Continually
• Listening - Open The Best Door to Connecting with People

I am glad I made the communication shift, I started listening better and my son started telling me not only what I need to know but he also connected with me better because he saw that I cared for him and that I valued what he had to say. I got introduced to the love of his life, Katie who will soon be my "daughter-in-love".

It was definitely not an overnight shift, I am still working on making this communication shift with my younger kids and with the team I serve alongside with.

I remind myself daily to listen well, to stop interrupting, to start asking questions so the other person has a chance to talk while I listen more intently.

As my mentor John concludes this chapter: When you direct, it's like building a bridge to others, but the traffic only goes one way. When you connect, it's a two-way street. Not only are relationships better, but ideas improve because they're flowing in both directions.

Next time we will look into "Team Uniformity to Team Diversity" which is the Improvement Shift. I would like to personally invite you to do a deep dive study with me for 4 weeks to see the impact this would have on you and the people you lead.

Let me leave you with an inspiring talk by Pat Summitt, legendary Lady Volunteers basketball coach and it reminded me of conversations I used to have with my own mom and dad... my dad never said much on the phone but when he did speak, it was gold!

My dad was my role model for many reasons and I admire him for changing his mindset and making the shift from "Directing to Connecting". Did it take time to build this connection? The answer is "yes" but it did not stop us and don't let that stop you!