She Taught Us So Much
She was an idol.
An icon.
A legend, for defying the odds during what were not favorable years for women to be lawyers, never mind mothers and lawyers simultaneously, then taking on increasingly more prominent positions, all the way to Supreme Court Justice.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s loss was felt far and wide last weekend. Almost every woman I know expressed her admiration for Ruth on social media in the hours and days following her passing.
The New York Times re-published an old opinion piece she wrote, “Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s Advice for Living” this weekend, and it’s the inspiration for this week’s Weekly Wisdom. You can read the entire piece, originally written in 2016, here.
The sections from her writing below, followed by a few thoughts (I tried to be brief!) resonated so clearly.
“What enabled me to take part in the effort to free our daughters and sons to achieve whatever their talents equipped them to accomplish, with no artificial barriers blocking their way? First, a mother who, by her example, made reading a delight and counseled me constantly to “be independent,” able to fend for myself, whatever fortune might have in store for me.”
This strikes chord.
As adults, as moms, and as people with experience, mentors, and managers - we lead by example. Deliberately, or not. Others are always watching.
Every decision we make about our work, how we lead, and our career path is sending out a signal to those younger who are watching us to learn how to navigate their own experience. Women don’t have as many mentors and leaders to look up to - while that is changing - it’s ever so important for us to consider if we’d want our daughters or (insert a younger woman you know) to be in a situation that we just put up with.
If the answer is no, then why are you putting up with it? There's likely a pattern there to unearth and question.
“Do you have some good advice you might share with us?” Yes, I do. It comes from my savvy mother-in-law, advice she gave me on my wedding day. “In every good marriage,” she counseled, “it helps sometimes to be a little deaf.”
Ahhh…I would love for all women to take this advice from Ruth’s savvy mother-in-law to heart. My interpretation: You do not have to take everything on. It’s not your responsibility to take care of everything and everyone. And when you hear something that’s not on the wavelength you choose to live on (a higher one, I hope), let it go.
I practiced this just this week. My daughter shared some subtle-girl-bullying (you know the silent but cruelest type that teen girls learn). My immediate reaction was to be upset (ok, furious). I stopped myself quick, though, and consoled her though she wasn’t all that upset. Pretended I hadn’t heard it, therefore I couldn’t and wouldn’t dwell on it and let it impact my positive vibration. This has taken a lot of practice and meditation to master. The good news is, it's something we can work on with practice.
I also would love to extend this wise advice to be a little blind sometimes. Walk past the mess on the floor without stopping to pick it up. After grocery shopping, maybe be blind to seeing the bags of groceries on the counter that you just spent an hour shopping for, and let someone else put them away. Yes, for real…
Advice from my father-in-law has also served me well. “Ruth, if you don’t want to start law school, you have a good reason to resist the undertaking. No one will think the less of you if you make that choice. But if you really want to study law, you will stop worrying and find a way to manage child and school.” And so Marty and I did, by engaging a nanny on school days from 8 a.m. until 4 p.m.
Ah so much here!
No question Ruth made the right choice for her, by going to law school. It’s a personal choice; it was right for her. She didn’t shy away from it because it wasn’t the popular one.
Stop worrying. Amen. Worrying is not simply not productive. Not sure how to stop worrying so much? Ask, I can share some suggestions.
Invest in yourself, follow your dream, and go against the grain if you have to. Ruth hired a nanny so she could go to school, and made a big investment in herself, paying law school tuition AND hiring someone to care for her child. The trap we often fall into is thinking about the long term, and not thinking about the dividends an investment in ourselves will pay at a later date. And you are worth it. Each and every one of us -worth our dreams.
Ruth could have easily waited or said no to law school, and it would have been more than accepted by those around her. She listened to herself, not others, and followed her dream. She gathered support where she needed it.
Next time you have to make a hard decision that’s not the most popular one, remember what Ruth did. In my family, we recently made a decision that was against the grain, and it’s been one of the best decisions we’ve made in a while. Remember too, bold decisions require listening to our intuition and also take courage. Bold decisions make more history than conservative decisions.
Work-life balance was a term not yet coined in the years my children were young; it is aptly descriptive of the time distribution I experienced. My success in law school, I have no doubt, was in large measure because of baby Jane. I attended classes and studied diligently until 4 in the afternoon; the next hours were Jane’s time, spent at the park, playing silly games or singing funny songs, reading picture books and A. A. Milne poems, and bathing and feeding her. After Jane’s bedtime, I returned to the law books with renewed will. Each part of my life provided respite from the other and gave me a sense of proportion that classmates trained only on law studies lacked.
So much to say about this one. The primary lesson I take from this is to live in the NOW. Ruth could have only pulled this robust schedule off by being where her feet were. When she was at law school, or studying after her daughter Jane was in bed, she was fully engaged in studying. When she was with Jane, she was present with her daughter - allowing herself a break from the rigor of her studies and a chance to connect with one of the most important people in her life.
Collegiality is crucial to the success of our mission. We could not do the job the Constitution assigns to us if we didn’t — to use one of Justice Antonin Scalia’s favorite expressions — “get over it!”
Ah, my favorite piece of advice for women lies right here.
The only way the structure of our justice system works well is with collegiality and being able to let go and move on once decisions are made. There’s no room on the Supreme Court for wallowing or holding onto that which has already been decided. Nor is there in the good life lived. Once the decision is made, your best bet is to move forward with gratitude for what is, and consider what is becoming in the light you want it to happen.
Earlier, I spoke of great changes I have seen in women’s occupations. Yet one must acknowledge the still bleak part of the picture. Most people in poverty in the United States and the world over are women and children, women’s earnings here and abroad trail the earnings of men with comparable education and experience, our workplaces do not adequately accommodate the demands of childbearing and child rearing, and we have yet to devise effective ways to ward off sexual harassment at work and domestic violence in our homes. I am optimistic, however, that movement toward enlistment of the talent of all who compose “We, the people,” will continue.
Ginsburg was right. There is still so much work to be done on all fronts. On earnings, bearing responsibility for the demands of childbearing and rearing, on harassment at work and abuse in homes. We are making progress. As women it means an ongoing commitment to support all women, starting with taking good care of ourselves.
And for men, there is a role just as important, to support women’s equity at home, in the workplace, and in our communities. We must continue to lift up, hire and promote women, insist on equal pay, offer women support at home and at work with the enormous responsibility that comes with being a parent, not stand for any form of harassment or abuse, and speak up when we witness it. Each time we do, we stand up for all women, and teach others who may not be as enlightened, the way.
May Ruth's legacy live on. I believe so many of us relate to RBG on the inside, and yearn to be even more like her on the outside. Confident and compassionate. Courageous in our action-taking. Cool as a cucumber.