She Danced to Her A-Game at Work! Do You?

As I walked up to the cash register in Trader Joe's , I saw Crew member Colena dancing. The song Happy, by Pharrell Williams played in the background.

"Cool dance moves," I said to her.

In a surprised look and answer, but still with that brilliant and inviting smile, she replied, "I was! And I didn't even hear the music."

I responded with, "Ahh... but maybe you did. (pause) Would you like to know why? It's a little neuro-nerdy, but I'm happy to share if you like that kind of stuff." "

Oh! I do!" She said. "my husband and I talk about this kind of stuff all the time."

So we chatted while she scanned and checked my groceries across the register and into the bag. We ended up in a short but wonderful conversation about how our brains and hearts are taking so much more in than we're consciously focused upon. Most things are simply not in high focus. 10,999,996 of those bits happen internally and in the background. And those 4 bits of high focus remain available to us when we're in a good state of belonging.

Also, that, when we're in an environment of real #feelowncare belonging*, vs a sense of belonging, our brains (and hearts) get sustained dose levels of oxytocin and serotonin (#TeamOS) which leaves us in a state of higher performance abilities and wellness.

I additionally learned a bit about her past career journeys. Amazing what you can discover about somebody in just a short bit of time.

Her own positivity and self-belonging (internal stuff) got mixed and matched with the song playing in the background (external stuff)and she moved to the groove!

And I got the gift of walking into a friendly, positive, and joyous space brought on by Colena's smile and dance moves!

I walked out of Trader Joe's feeling that I had the best grocery store ever in my neighborhood!

(And here's a deeper dive into what we chatted about in just those few moments at the checkout.)

To truly dance your A-Game, your belonging has to be in good bidirectional status.

Understanding how much of your brain can actually hold focus upon might be pretty surprising for you.

Our brains process everything in and around us at 11,000,000 bits per second. In conscious focus, up to maybe 40 to 50. And, in high focus, 1 to 4 at most. Further, what we can put into the top 4 slots depends on our context and circumstances, especially regarding belonging. Any threat to your belonging, and your brain will dedicate slots 1-4 to it, bumping everything else out of the way!

If you want to ensure that your chosen focus holds steady and in place, create in environment that supports real F.O.C. n' Belonging.

What was clear from the dance moves at that checkout stand, Crewmate Colena belonged.

So, I shared a real-life scenario with her that I use in workshops to give attendees an understanding and a concrete feeling of their neurobiology and physiology in action.

I ask for a volunteer in the workshop and have them imagine this scenario:

1. You've just gotten to work and you're about to settle in.
2. You get a text from your spouse, partner, "I'm on my way to the hospital, our daughter's been in an accident, I'll call you right when I get there and know more."
3. (pause)
4. And then I asked the person, how well can you work?

The answer is always the same, some version of:

I can't, and I'm leaving immediately to get to the hospital!

My last volunteer a CEO/Founder, welled up in tears, as that scenario happened to him a couple of years ago. FYI, his daughter's fully healed and all good.

I always find it wonderful that our brains work this way, I mean, at that moment everything that he was focused on, learning about how to frame your HR/People Ops around belonging was completely displaced from active focus.

When I got to that point in the telling with crewmate Colena, I could see it hit the mark with her too. It's simple, we're belonging beings that feel and think.

How we define or understand belonging matters, because it alters the story we tell ourselves. And the story we tell ourselves is the story we live.

Feel, Own, Care Belonging vs a Sense of Belonging

First, the version of belonging that's limiting your empowerment

With all the good intent, the typical model of belonging that's found in most organizational design has a ginormous flaw. It's one-way transactional. And that leaves people powerless to belong. It's commonly referred to as, a Sense of Belonging.

Here's the definition from Cornell University

Belonging is the feeling of security and support when there is a sense of (1) acceptance, (2) inclusion, and (3) identity for a member of a certain group. It is when an individual can bring their (4) authentic self to work.

Technically, it's a fit-in receive-mode only model. It actually omits our agency by definition.

Ironically, we’ve been given a model for belonging that sets us up to be powerless in the story of affecting our own belonging.

1. It’s a one-way, passive receive mode, a must-get affirmation transactional model
2. It leaves us with a self-narrative that says we only belong with someone who gives us these four things
3. Yet, those four things aren’t necessarily indicative of belonging
4. Ultimately, this leaves us chronically stressed on the bad side of a fit-in stress

For bullet 3, I want to offer this caveat. You can have all 4 of these things and not belong, a sense of (1) acceptance, (2) inclusion, (3) identity, and (4) being your authentic self to work. And, you can have the absence of those four things and still deeply belong.

And then there's this question, would you work for a sense of a paycheck? I didn't think so.

Your Empowerment is in Feel, Own, Care, Belonging

Try shifting your definition of belonging to this…

Belonging, it’s the state of being, in relationship with others:

When you feel, own, and care for them, in their successes, dreams, and failures. And, they feel, own, and care for you in yours. It’s a two-way relational street.

It’s a two-way street of feeling for yourself and them, owning your life and theirs, and, caring for yourself and them. And they do the same with you.

If you prefer today’s typical business emotional intelligence language, it’s mutual:

• empathy (feeling),
• accountability (owning), and
• compassion (caring for).

It’s a relational model of bidirectional power that starts with you. Each one of us has agency. You get to shift into the driver’s seat of your own belonging. You’re not a tacit victim of circumstance, nor, are you an unfortunate victim.

When we define belonging this way, we get a frame for living out a new story where our belonging is within our power to create.

When we have all three, look out, we become a company of resilient people that’ll find a way for each other. In this belonging our resulting neurochemical cocktail puts us in #UniteAndFight instead of fight/flight. End of story.

And that Unite & Fight ability, that's a direct result of belonging creating a sustainable level of TeamOS. Sustained levels of oxytocin and serotonin do these marvelous things to our brains.

Why was my experience with Colena so fawesome? Look what belonging enhanced in her brain! (Hmmm... maybe we need to add dancing to the list?)

Oxytocin neuro-emotional benefits

1. Empathy
2. Cooperation
3. Generosity
4. Interpersonal trust
5. Social motivation
6. Altruism
7. Emotional recognition
8. Gaze and focus & eyes face

Oxytocin physical benefits (bonus, not in graphic)

1. Cardiovascular protection
2. An anti-inflammatory response
3. Relaxed blood vessels
4. Your heart rebuilds faster than it degrades under stressed performance

Serotonin neuro-cognitive enhancements

1. Repeat fewer errors
2. Faster learning
3. Calmness under pressure
4. Higher recall during high cognitive load
5. Clearer decision-making
6. Increased adaptability

I'm always amazed when I look at this list. It's everything that we want so we can be healthier and perform better. It's everything that our companies and various organizations would like more of from us.

When I walk into Trader Joe's, it makes me so happy to see a company that actively creates belonging. And wow, there's such a difference for the people working the store, and for those of us being cared for by them, daily, as we get our groceries.

To sum things up at the checkout here:

I'll close with this. Why was my experience with Colena so wonderful? Yes, I'm talking about a grocery checkout experience.

1. She F.O.C n' Belonged
2. She could be her empowered dancing self in her company tribe
3. Her TeamOS in belonging gave her enhanced neuro-emotional and physical abilities
4. She could focus on doing her job exquisitely because of that

And she sure did. Thanks Colena!

If you'd like help in guiding your teams to better belonging for hire well-being and performance, give me a call.

And thanks for spending the time reading this. If you found it valuable please pay it forward to somebody else. Thanks, Paul.

* #feelowncare belonging is now officially known as F.O.C. n' Belonging #FOCnBelonging thanks to Vicki J. O'Grady-Longo .