She Can Wait

One day I will have achieved it all. The dreams that saw me burn the midnight oil. That career that I work my ass off to build. I will exit my startup with an 8 figure. I will travel to different destinations. The world will be on my palm. My beautiful wife in her seventh month of pregnancy and the two kids will be beside me. I will look back and smile. Momma I made it!

But, will I be happy? Maybe yes. If not, what else will I be looking for? Will I yearn for another life? If yes what will that life be like? Will I have time, energy, resources to live? Will life even be gracious enough to give me another chance? I don’t know. Maybe I’ll divorce my wife. What will I tell my two daughters and the cheeky young man I will call my son, who will resemble the admirable bold features of his mother. Will he admire the man standing right in front of him? Will I tear down the family investments and use that money to find new love, new life, new me? Will I be empty, like a wounded warrior, coming from a battle, with nothing to show; but dead dreams that I didn’t live, places I didn’t visit, industries I didn’t explore, good music I didn’t listen to, a concert ticket that I didn’t purchase, sport talents I didn’t scout, the violin lessons I didn’t take just because they told me it was too girly for me?

Maybe it will be that skinny girl, standing at the counter, holding her tray waiting to serve me another drink. Damn! I loved this joint. I was attracted to her, she had sharp eyes and a captivating smile, but the fear in me didn’t allow me to ask her out. Maybe I could have approached her, just in time, her other secret admirer would return from nowhere and punch me in the face. I will feel dizzy, lose consciousness. Will I wake from that first aid bed with a smile? I f**kd my fears! I gave life a shot and it gave me a blow in return! Hahaha, I swallowed that blow with a big smile!

But wait. Who will be standing next to me on that bed? Are they the people that make me feel complete, loved, free and valued? Or will they be mere pretenders, all wanting a piece of me. I sold a startup, remember? Did my success attract the wrong people in my life? Do they swallow my fears, Or do they inflate them so that I can fit in their dreams? Will my fear to live fully haunt me? Will these demons come back chasing me? Ooh No!

Or maybe I will be happy. I will have found her. Her whom my soul identifies with, my heart beats for. I will be happy to live life with a big smile there after. But until then, until I find IT, what my life beats for, She Can Wait. What do YOU stand for? What does your heart beat for? When you get yourself to this point in life, when you find her, Even death can’t steal your purpose. But until then every move has to count. 

I chose to write this piece for two reasons. Firstly, to act as roadmap guide and a reference point, that I will look back 2, 5, 16, 50 years from now, when things will not be working out. When I have bills to pay, pressure from my mother-in-law, a society that wants me to fit in, decisions in life that will require immediate attention, in a path full of doubt. I will look back and say this is the life I chose. These are the reasons for me to live. Without which my life will be empty. As a horse blinder, this piece will take me back on the path to seek and explore my personal legend.

Secondly, maybe all this will fade, the hype, the zeal and the energy. Maybe I will feel empty once again. Damn! I will be looking for a piece to fortify me. I will come back here, and with a smile, take myself on a date. I will stand at the counter where my love once stood, I don’t know how many years after. This piece will speak to my heart and say cheers! This is for you buddy! You stood for what you believe in. You made a $100K decision. You followed what was right for you and had the audacity to live fully, but it didn’t work as expected. To you scrambling to get to the top at all cost, was a path you choose to keep your feet off. I’ll shed tears of relief, knowing that I gave it my best. Then reach out to my wallet, pay for my two cold beers, *tip the bar attendant and walk home. I have closed my books! I gave it my best. Can’t wait for this time! But until then she can wait.

When we pursue her, we lose our fear. When we are connected to something greater than ourselves, fear becomes irrelevant. When we intuitively know what is right for us. I now know that my fears were wrong. Maybe that secret lover that I thought would have punched me and was not even there in the first place. Maybe she was waiting for me, to tell her how bad I wanted to know her, how I fantasised and pictured our lives together. Me and her would smile at the dark nights together. After all it was just worth it. With her my life would be complete. No, maybe it would be a complete mess. Something I never wanted, a bad dream, a haunting spirit that wanted not a part of me but all of me. 

Or will this piece whisper consoling words? “Her beauty was not in her sharp eyes or her the captivating smile. No! Her beauty was that light that radiated from her heart, that illuminated my dark world. It was not the cold beers and the boring DJ that played the lifeless jams from the 80’s; that could tell you how boring his life was. No! It was that light, the bright light from her heart that gave hope to the drunk and lost soul in me. Yes! That light in her brought me back to this pub.” But how would I know? I allowed myself to sink in fear. I didn’t just explore. 

Maybe that wounded warrior would be me, walking home with dead dreams in my heart, deep pain from the loss and the cuts that run deep in my veins. A shattered shield of hope, with wide holes through which frustration, misery, pain, and emptiness find free way right on my face. A bent cracked spear on the other hand, that looks worn and exhausted devouring things not worth, hitting on rocks, and other temporal things in my life. Will this arrow judge me on how I used it to triturate down rocks, dig the ground just because I had it on hand at such a time. Had this arrow lost purpose in my hands? Was it worth it? Age, energy, resources and relationships in life to me are very precious. Let me use them to brighten my soul and nourish my spirit for what really matters. Don’t be everything to everyone.

Maybe I have spent a lot of time listening to what my mind has to say, maybe it’s the lyrics in the lovely Francesca Battistelli song. But after all, it is my heart that has all the answers, and the holy book supports it; The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out. Maktub! What speeds your heart up, fills your heart with joy or makes it skip a beat? Or maybe you feel another’s pain and know that you can help. Follow your heart. Find your spark. Live life with a purpose.

I hope this piece will not judge me harshly in future, on the path I took. What I followed wasn’t real, it was an illusion, a fake thing that faded with the morning dew. For that reason, the words in this paragraph will console my heart. They will rejuvenate me and remind me that I was connected to something greater than myself. It will remind me of the girl I was waiting for. I know the words will sound sweeter then as the sound today. Maybe SHE will, speak courage and quote my words in my sleep. “ Stephen, somebody’s dream of becoming a Pilot/President should not make your dream of becoming a chef feel inferior. It’s not how bad you want to get to the top. It’s about getting what is right for you. Will I stop here and want to re-read this piece again and again? Or will this piece be too long to read that I will want to relieve myself with Linkin Park track; ‘Somewhere I Belong?’ If so, it will be worth it. Define your own path. Chase your own fulfillment. Everyone has been made for some particular work, and the desire for that work has been put in every heart. Maybe this piece will remind me. He who looks outside, dreams. He who looks inside, awakens. The sweet words from Carl Jung. Or maybe this just the letter I would like to read every morning. *Umm! Maybe! 

How did this end? Did I meet her? Was she all I thought she was? Or was she that bad dream? Part two of this piece will follow in two weeks. But before then, Only two things matter. His Presence and His Purpose. And everything else is secondary. What do you believe in? What does your heart beat for? When everything comes falling down, what is that one thing that you will hold on to? Maktub! Live it.

About the Writer: Stephen Nderitu is a Music and Tech Entrepreneur, a Data Scientist, and the founder; Legit Music World.