A Shaving Grace

I pondered for a while about writing this. After all, who am I (as a woman) to say whether men should be upset or offended by the Gillette advert. I couldn’t understand the outcry or the anger, all I could see was an emotional piece imploring some men to do better, but that’s just me. Prepare yourselves for a mind-dump.

Let me go back a bit and give you some context as to why.

Let me start off by telling you about the male role models I’ve had in my life.

Dad

Sure, I’m biased, but my Dad really is the best dad in the world. When I was really little (let’s say around 2) Dad got made redundant so it was Dad that stayed home with me while mom went to work – pretty unheard of at the time. It was Dad who finally caved and got me a football season ticket at the age of 12, who not once tried to shield me from swearing or general football nonsense. It was Dad who did all the family cooking for us – unfortunately Mom had severe epilepsy as a kid and wasn’t allowed anywhere near knives or a hot stove, her signature dishes were Angel Delight smiley faces and jacket potatoes with an assortment of fillings (delicious, but not great as a staple diet). It was Dad who never batted an eyelid when he had to purchase sanitary towels for his two daughters and his wife. Dad also encouraged me to join the Cubs and then the Scouts where he was a Leader. I climbed trees with the boys, played tug-of-war with the boys and did all of the things the rest of the guys did – The rest of the troop even voted me in as captain (and said I was the best one they’d ever had #humblebrag)

In a nutshell, Dad made sure I was never exposed to stupid gender stereotypes – in his book, there was no such thing as ‘boy’ things and ‘girl’ things, they were just ‘things’.

My Partner

I don’t talk about Nick much. We’re private when it comes to our relationship and like to keep it that way. But, for the sake of this article, he’s someone that needs to be mentioned. We’ve been together for eight years and not once in those eight years has he ever made me feel anything less than his equal. Household chores? Very traditional here, I do the cooking – but only because I turn into a she-devil in the kitchen and hate people helping me. Nick does the dishwasher. He does all of the laundry (I haven’t done a load of laundry since we moved into our house three years ago). We split things, because it’s no single persons ‘job’ to keep the house nice. Funnily enough, he loved the advert.

Uncle

My Aunties second marriage was to my Uncle. Before he met her, he’d single handedly raised a daughter at a time where single dads with custody was unheard of. He took her to dance class and went to every one of her recitals. Took her through puberty and young adulthood. Then, as my sister and I grew up he was a fantastic Uncle. Ignited my passion for art and painting and taught me to express myself creatively. Taught me DIY and construction (I’m quite handy with a drill and a jigsaw I’ll have you know) and all manner of useful skills.

Do you know what they all have in common? They all know that things are solved by words not violence. They’re not afraid to show love, kindness and empathy.

And that’s why I can’t see that advert from a different perspective, because I’ve only had positive male role models in my life. I can only see the ‘good’ that the advert shows, can only see that there is so much hope for the next generation growing up with these strong role models.

Let’s unpick some key scenes.

We see a scene with actor Terry Crews, giving a speech about his experiences with sexual abuse. Why do men need to see this? Because at least 1 in 6 men have been abused or sexually assaulted in their lifetime, though the statistic is actually believed to be higher than that because it’s so many men don’t report these attacks. Men don’t come forward because of the horrific stigma attached to the abuse they suffer. They think it makes them ‘weak’ or ‘less of a man’ and has far-reaching long-lasting consequences. The fact is, men who’ve had such experiences are at much greater risk than those who haven’t for serious mental health problems. It’s only by speaking about it and removing the stigma that we begin treating these men as they should be treated, with kindness, compassion and empathy – not derision or questions over their perceived ‘manhood’.

In another scene we see a dad running across the street to prevent another young man from being attacked and bullied by his peers. Why is this important? In 2014, males accounted for 73 percent of all arrestees in the U.S. and 80 percent of those arrested for violent crimes. Males were more likely to be murder victims (76.8%). Men are more likely to be the targets of displays of aggression and provocation than women. Bullying of boys by their peers and domestic violence experienced by boys at home can also be expressions of toxic masculinity. The often violent socialization of boys produces psychological trauma through the promotion of aggression and lack of intimate relations with others. Such trauma is often disregarded, such as in the saying "boys will be boys". By preventing the attack, the father is showing his son that that kind of behavior is not OK, but it also draws attention to the fact that male-on-male violence is a serious issue.

Men who adhere to traditionally masculine cultural norms, such as violence, dominance, primacy of work, need for emotional control, desire to win, and pursuit of social status, tend to be more likely to experience psychological problems such as depression, stress, body image problems, substance abuse, and poor social functioning. This contributes to suicide being the highest cause of death for men aged under 35. So, if an advert can help us change those perceptions, help men show other men that it’s OK to not be tough, dominant or aggressive but rather kind, compassionate and empathetic – surely that helps everyone to be better off?

So, to all the wonderful men in my life, who will view this advert and identify with the dad, the guy that breaks up the kids fighting on the lawn, the guy that calls out his friend for cat calling – you’re already ‘The Best a Man Can Be’. For those that are upset that their damaging behavior is being called out? Maybe take some pointers from the guys out there already doing a great job.

Mind dump, over.