The Share-Out #1: What's stopping me, really?

I noticed this week when I was going to Share Out for the first time that I postponed doing it.

I was thinking about what I was going to write and how. Wanted to make sure it had high quality and standards. Started formulating sentences in my head.

That was an interesting observation, since the whole point of introducing this channel was to NOT overthink and overdo the things we share here. Rather to stay in the unfinishedness of half-processed thoughts, and dwell in the no-man’s land of unresolved issues.

And that made me think: If I have the outspoken intention of just blurting out what I am thinking about, or struggling with right now, and even then I fall into some idea about performance... Then there must be something inside of me stopping me from embracing the complete freedom I actually have, to express whatever I want.

There is obviously something getting in the way of just letting the words flow freely, letting them lead the way instead of me consciously thinking them first.

Obviously, it is about looking good in front of you guys. I have this idea about myself as someone who is clever, sensible, fact-based and well-spoken. And there is a voice within me telling me that you expect me to be that way, too. The logic being like “I think you expect this to be me, and therefore I start expecting myself to be that way”. Keeping the status quo by projecting my inner beliefs about myself on you, and then getting stuck in what I think you will think about me.

I guess I fall into protecting that self-constructed image, rather than challenging it by being fuzzy or saying stupid things.

But the thing is, I know about myself that what I usually say and write is far from being stupid or fuzzy. So why am I afraid of it being so, at least once in a while? Why don’t I allow myself writing something incomprehensible, and why do I feel ashamed when I – very rarely – am called out for not having fact-checked or having thought it through?

What am I protecting, really? And why?

I think it ultimately is about my inner beliefs of what is my “ticket” to being listened to. It’s about the vulnerability that I experience when stepping out of my comfort zone, expressing myself in ways that I am not used to, and that it will render me laughable and easy to dismiss.

So I guess a great deal of the work that I want to do through The Share-Out is being able to challenge myself in those ways. And also to challenge you, because I am convinced you have very similar patterns.

What are those patterns for you? When do they appear? When can you see yourself becoming self-censoring or self-diminishing? Please share! I am curious to know.