SHANNY'S MOTHER'S DAY MESSAGE

1. There is never a good time to have children.?

Yeah, I said it!!! I had my daughter two years after qualifying and got a lot of side eyes and words of caution about how hard it would be. Yes, it was hard. It is also hard to have a child before, during and after your degree, married, single, with or without help. No matter how ideal your circumstance, having children comes with a lot of unknowns. Even if all the stars align, something comes out of the left field and catches you off guard. Children entering your life will require adjustment, and it will be hard. Savour the delicious moments and persevere through the hard ones. Neither is permanent on the roller coaster ride called parenthood.

2. Listen to advice but don't be a slave to it.

It's great to have guidance from those who came before you, but there is no 'one size fits all' way to raise children. Your child is unique, and so are your circumstances. Even children from the same parents have different needs. Listen to what is being said around you but don't be afraid to go your own way. If your kid smiles 60% of the time, you are probably getting it right. Even if you aren't, kids are resilient, and counselling is affordable these days.?

3. Don't apologize for your choices if they are right for you.

To the outside world, for the first two years of my daughter's life, she was primarily parented by her father. He dropped her off and picked her up from nursery, and cared for her until I got home from work many times at a shameful 6 to 7 pm. This worked for our family because his schedule was more flexible than mine, and to be fair to him, he was being supportive of my career.

He was declared a national hero, and I got a proper hammering. Some went for the subtle comments questioning my decision to return to work six weeks after delivery. Something like: "I don't know how you could leave that precious, helpless child even for a second. I just wouldn't have it in me.' Others went for the passive-aggressive approach. Something like: 'Aren't you lucky to have a dad who drops and picks up your child every day so you can focus on your [pause for dramatic effect] work?'

I do not know the intent of these comments, but they made me feel like the gum under someone's shoe. Despite our plan working perfectly for our family, I spent a lot of time questioning it. I also resented her dad for the praise he received, and it affected our relationship. Anytime people called her 'Daddy's little girl!' I wanted to punch him in the face and then felt guilty for wanting to punch him. I wish I didn't waste time worrying about what everyone else thought about a plan that worked perfectly for my family. I also wish I had shown more appreciation for the effort he put into raising our daughter.

I learnt an important lesson in those early years. There is no perfect way to raise a child, and all the noise can make it more difficult than it needs to be. The way that works for you and your child is the best. Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter pitch in. Focus on the words of those pitching in.

4. Pour into your child every day.

I didn't go to all the sports days, swim meetings or PTA meetings, and yes, I bought cupcakes most days or had someone else make them for me. Grandmas are heroes too!!!?

I have no doubt that in those moments, my daughter missed me. She made her displeasure known on more than one occasion, but I think her disappointment is okay. Children have to learn they are not the centre of anyone's universe, including yours. My daughter has a sense of independence which could not have been cultivated if I was constantly around cheering her on. This is reflected by her decision to leave our little island and head off to university in the middle of a pandemic to a non-English country she had never visited before. She developed the skills to take on that challenge while I was busy working, which makes me an excellent multi-tasker. Two parenting points for Shanny and a tongue stick out to the judgy stay at home moms.

I will state one critical caveat. Even though I missed moments of my child's life, I made sure to pour undivided love and attention into her every day. Some days she got the whole 24 hours, and some days, she got 1 minute. She did, however, get attention from me every day. Yes, there were days I could only spare 1 minute to say, 'Mummy loves you to the moon and back.' Others, we spent entire days on adventures of a lifetime, diving, surfing and exploring the world. Most days, it was reading a story or chatting on the car ride to school or over dinner. Bottom line, she got a moment of my UNINTERRUPTED attention every day. A minute is all it takes for your child to know they are loved and cared for.

I also have clear non-negotiables. I don't miss my daughter's birthday for any client, case or judge. Consequences be damned. A judge once tried to shame me for this and even threatened to throw out my case. Sorry lady. Ain't happening. I also do not prioritize work over my daughter's health. Even if the sky is falling, if my daughter is sick, I will not be around to hold it up. Now I have been known to type submissions or hold meetings while my daughter is lying in my lap as we wait for a nebulizer to stop her wheezing, but ultimately, as narrow as the margins may be, she comes first.?

Decide your non-negotiables, and do not let anyone make you feel guilty about them.

5. You will remember your work successes on your deathbed.

I don't know which moron started this idiotic saying about only remembering your loved ones on your deathbed, but it was probably someone that was really shit at their job. My professional accomplishments rank equal to my parental accomplishments. Yeah, I said it!!!!

To me, this job isn't only about the money made, although it's a nice bonus. For those who dedicate their lives to the law, this profession is about the impact of our effort, grit and hard, unrelenting work. I love my career and am proud of my accomplishments. I am 100% sure that when I am on my deathbed, some of my professional highlights will flash before my eyes in between the moments with my loved ones. Heck, some of the people I worked with are my loved ones. If you cannot say that, LEAVE ... THIS ... PROFESSION ... IMMEDIATELY.

I love being a mom, but I also love my career, and I refuse to rank either over the other. I have so many beautiful moments which do not include my child, and I do not think I, or anyone else, should be made to feel guilty for feeling good about them. On my deathbed, when my life flashes before me, I hope I remember not only my child and loved ones but also the day I pulled a rabbit out of my behind for the unlikely win, my first arbitration, or the pride I felt when my award survived a challenge. If this makes me a sad or pathetic person - sad and pathetic I am. What I do is part of who I am because l love it. If you are not doing the same...... get out. Do not spend a second in a job making you miserable for the coins in your pocket. You will definitely regret that decision on your deathbed.?