Shaming People for Feeling Badly

“No matter how afraid you feel or how much pain you have, you are deserving of respect, and that is dignity, regardless of how you have been treated.?Understanding this is extremely important.”?

?-- From Fear of the Abyss: Healing the Wounds of Shame and Perfectionism

The demand that people always appear happy or be labeled as "negative" is cruel.?People do not "choose" to be sad or depressed, and the last thing they need is being mislabeled as negative.

?As human beings, we have a whole range of experience.?Telling people to be positive when they have chronic depression, PTSD, grief, or are dealing with a very scary situation is wrong.?I have seen this so much, even by therapists.?This not only encourages denial, but puts a negative value judgment on the person and?the feelings they are experiencing.?I have never thought of people going through a bad time as “negative”.?To me, cruelty and malice are negative energies, not sadness, fear, or some kind of insecurity.?The people I have known going through these painful feelings were people I looked forward to seeing, kind people.

?It is appalling how judgmental people are?-?-not of terrible behaviors, but of feelings.?People already suffer from a great deal of shame.?It is so prevalent, I sometimes think that one can hardly make a dent?in relieving it.?Then, to tell them they are “choosing” to feel depressed is so unkind, and makes them feel that they are not worthy to be around.?There are times people need kind encouragement, but often they need someone to be with them and empathize with their feelings with compassion..?Often, I believe, people think they are being kind when in fact they are blaming the victim.?Yes, it is important?to find things?you like about your life and to try to make the improvements that are possible.?Yet, it is part of being human to have a range of emotions.?To add to someone’s shame when they are vulnerable is to do damage to them, as well as making them feel like “negative” people.?They are not negative, only human.?When people go through very difficult situations, because of a chronic situation or a sudden circumstance, the last thing they need is to be shamed for it.?People already beat themselves up without others adding to the shame when they are vulnerable.

?For those going through emotional pain, do not accept the shame that others may put on you.?Painful feelings can even be the impetus for change and can be powerful motivators.?I don’t know how, but we have somehow been misled into thinking it is kind somehow to tell people they control how they feel at all times.?I think the kindest thing we can do is to be with people while they have their feelings, without judging them.?Having a range of emotions?is normal.

?People know by now that my examples of people I have worked with are composites and are very disguised, but the issues are very real, even though identities are hidden.?That said, I knew a young woman whose mother had just died.?She had a great deal of grief, as she had not even lived with her mother that long due to serious illness.?She decided to go to a coffee shop and sit outside?to drink?her coffee.?A man stopped at her table and said, “Smile!?It can’t be as bad as all that!”?Perhaps that stranger meant well, but it would have been better to have said nothing.?An elderly woman I worked with had a prosthesis and a wheelchair.?She was a very bright, friendly, and energetic person.?She was so brave learning to use her prosthesis, which was very painful and difficult, like a stilt.?Her bravery was amazing.?Then one day, due to an accident, she lost the other leg.?She was so very grief-stricken, understandably so, that she was in an altered state.?I was asked to see her and “cheer her up”.?I said I could not do that, but could share her grief.

I don’t know where or when it came about?that people came?to view a suffering person as negative,?bad somehow, choosing to be upset.?I don’t know, but it is not only incorrect, it is a path that will increase the pain of others.?Life can be very hard without making someone feel unacceptable.?I hope you never let that kind of shaming define you or make you feel you are doing something wrong.?Going through emotional pain does not?make you negative or a bad person, and let’s stop shaming those going through?very?human emotional pain.??