Shamelessness Misunderstood

Why some people seem to act without shame, what's actually going on and what leaders need to know about it.

I was reading in The Atlantic about how political accountability apparently isn’t dead yet. While on my dark days I feel that is debatable, there was one sentence in the preamble that activated me: ”Shame may have left politics in the Trump era, but consequences haven’t”. That’s a misunderstanding of how shame works. Shame is still holding a firm grip on us in general and on (US) politics in particular. Far too often we read about something that happened and think "how could they even do that?". It's alienating and destructive and often leaves us frustrated, so understanding something about the underlying structure can be helpful. It’s also a really important topic for a leader. And co-workers too, for that matter.

This article focuses on the anatomy of shame and ”shamelessness”. How to work and deal with shame is a topic for another time.?

Guilt and shame - what’s the difference?

First of all, we need to differentiate between guilt and shame. Guilt is associated with thoughts like ”I have done something wrong”, and shame is more connected to ”I am wrong”. They appear in similar situations, and often together. You feel shame and guilt when you think that something has gone wrong, especially in relation to other people. For example, that time when you spilled your hot drink in someone else’s lap in the lunch restaurant, remember? That probably made you feel guilt or shame, most likely both.

Guilt comes with thoughts like ”Oh, darn, I just ruined this person’s day”, or ”Maybe that was their favorite dress and now it’s ruined”. Guilt thoughts point to a possibility of repair. When you feel guilty about something you can often see ways to help fix it. The dress can be washed or worst case you can buy them a new one, and the damage will be taken care of. And the relation restored. It’s not pleasurable, but there’s usually something you can do to make it better.

Shame thoughts are instead directed towards yourself. For example: ”This is typical me, I always make these kinds of mistakes”, ”I’m hopeless” and ”What will they think of me now, will they even want to go out with me again, ever?”. Repair doesn’t seem to be in the stars, because the problem is me. ”I’m broken”, ”I’m wrong”, ”I’m not worthy of being liked” (not to mention loved). And to make matters worse, those thoughts are often followed by ”There’s nothing I can do about it, I’m just like this, and it’s how I always will be”. Not true, but it sure can feel like it. When shame walks on the stage, (self-)empathy walks off.

Shame also evokes a different sensation in the body compared to guilt. It’s hard to provide a recipe because it’s different for each of us. For me, guilt sits right in the belly, it’s very concentrated. A strong shame attack (and believe me, I know shame attacks) is rather felt in the skin, all around me. It makes me warm and I feel a little unreal and disconnected from reality.

Flavors of shame

Shame is a result of evolution and it fills a healthy and important function. It’s there to make us stay connected with the tribe. It’s a social signaling system that helps us adjust our behavior to stay within the norms of the group. Children use it to learn how to build a healthy conscience. Animals have it too. In small doses it’s helpful, although not pleasant. But in larger doses – or if it sticks with us for a long time – it makes us wander around in the world in embarrassment and humiliation, and that’s not very supportive.

The other distinction to make is between acute and chronic shame. Acute shame is triggered by a specific situation in the here and now. Like when you spilled that coffee. What you experience is a shame attack. And if it’s an attack, there must be an attacker, right? Yep, and the complicated news is that the attacker is yourself. Your thoughts might tell you it’s the other person, or the world, or life, but it’s actually you, judging yourself harshly in the moment. Having said that, it’s perfectly possible to have a shame attack while being all alone. And it can be short or long, lasting anything from a few seconds to days.

Chronic shame is more devious. We all have it to some extent, in one area of life or the other, but we might not even notice it. Chronic shame is that undercurrent of self-judgment that is such a familiar voice for many of us that we think it’s a part of our personality. ”Of course I didn’t get that promotion, the way I perform”, ”Why would anyone want to go on a date with someone like me?” or just ”I’d sure want [X], but it’s not even worth thinking about, that kind of thing just isn’t for me”. There’s a strong connection between chronic shame and self-esteem.

Finding your way

OK, so let’s get to what this article was supposed to be about – Shamelessness. What is it really? The standard move of going to Merriam-Webster doesn’t help, they just say ”having no shame”, which as we shall see is plain wrong. We have to dig deeper. Fortunately, psychiatrist Donald Nathanson created the? Compass of Shame for us, further developed by Swedish gestalt therapist Jojo Tuulikki Oinonen (dearly missed). In its most basic incarnation, it looks like below. Shame sets us off in one of four basic directions:

I’m personally somewhere in the East-northeast. I primarily blame myself, but I also have a rescuing side that can be triggered by shame.

Here’s the interesting part. As I said, not everybody experiences shame in the same way. For me it’s very clear when I’m in shame. But some people just don’t experience it directly at all. If the self-humiliation is too painful, some of us have learned to cover it up with behaviors and emotions that help us feel better. Anything to avoid the raw power of shame itself.

Now the picture looks like this:

But even in the “Doesn’t experience shame” category we have two possible directions:

Some people that don’t feel shame are acting it out towards others (West), for example covering the shame with anger or despise. The underlying logic is: “If I can’t stand the thought that there’s something wrong with me, I can at least find comfort in acting out towards someone else, making them lesser than me”. The bully or abuser is the typical example.

Others use a different strategy for their cover-up (South). Addictions of all kinds are a great way to not feel shame. (Ab)using relationships and sex is an example that clearly connects the behavior with the avoidance. Logic: “By constantly filling myself up with excitement from new relations, I don’t have to face how I’m really feeling”.?

Shamelessness

Now we’re at a point where we can talk about what shamelessness really is. It is shame-driven behavior, with the purpose of not experiencing shame. It’s your amazing brain inventing ways to divert itself from feeling shame, because that would just be too painful. Better then to choose another emotion. The more that has to be covered up, the more intense the distracting behavior needs to be.

If you live in this state long enough, it becomes a lifestyle and a part of your perceived personality.

It’s impossible to not mention Donald Trump in an article like this. His compass needle is pointing with an unbelievably strong force straight to the west, making him constantly attack, blame, lie and cheat to puff up his own self-esteem. He’s the most extreme example of someone whose life is entirely driven by shame, and who has learned to make it work amazingly well for him. George Santos is another example, but more complicated, leaning more southward. And not so successful.?

To hammer the point home: What we perceive as a lack of shame in public figures and others, and call ”shamelessness”, is exactly the opposite. It’s shame-driven behavior designed by the brain to avoid feeling the actual emotion. Westerners and southerners on the compass often use fame, status and money to cover up chronic shame and low self-esteem.?

Shame-driven behavior is a phenomenon we see far too much of in current politics. Not only in the US but in all parts of the world. And it certainly happens in the business world too. We can all come up with examples of famous leaders that seem to engage in this type of behavior, simply because it can be a very powerful driver towards success. Working, striving, climbing in order to get external recognition instead of the internal that we can’t seem to give ourselves. And even though I live in the North-east area I’ve explored this territory too. Because it worked to dampen the negative voices. Until it didn’t.

Let’s now complete the picture as Oinonen developed it:

Leadership

Last, I want to tie this back to leadership. It’s really dangerous to play armchair psychologist and to ”diagnose” the people around us based on their behavior, and it’s often not very helpful either, even when we happen to get it right. But I do think there’s an opportunity to use this knowledge as a backdrop in open and caring conversations. As a leader you may find yourself asking things like:

• Why doesn’t Lisa speak up in meetings, when I know she has great things to contribute?
• Why doesn’t Bob seem to be happy with his achievements when he’s doing so great?
• Why does Maya spend so much time supporting others that she almost becomes invisible herself?
• Why does Roger feel it’s useful to make those harsh comments about his peers and why does he seem to have a hard time enjoying their success?
• Why does Anita always seem to make a joke out of every presentation she makes?

The answer could be found in the compass. Or not, it could also be something else. Maybe there’s something in the culture and environment – that you’re at least partly responsible for –?that needs to be worked on to make people feel safe enough to rise above their shame.

If you truly care for the people you work with, creating a safe environment and supporting them in believing in themselves – as they are –?can be the best thing you will ever do.

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